So I’ll try to keep this as abridged as I can. On Tuesday of this past week, I was telling my friend about my first car that I bought. I wanted to show my father that I was trying to be responsible by getting my own vehicle and that I was starting to depend on myself more and more. His response to the car was “what the f*ck is that doing here”? He then stormed off saying buying that car was the worst thing I’ve ever done. That wrecked me emotionally and mentally and still has to this day. To put out some other stuff that he had done and said, he told me at age 6 or 7 that if I wanted a 4 dollar Batman toy, that I would have to figure out on my own how to make money, and get it for myself. He would always compare my brothers grades with mine and ask me why I couldn’t be more like my brother. He also would say if I got a c in a class, then it’s equal to failing the class. When my parents divorced, the weeks I was with him, family time was watching dr. Phil for an hour or some tv show like that, then I wouldn’t see him again till morning. This has raised a few questions that I discovered in therapy today. 1. What could I have done to get him to love me more? 2. If I had done better in school, could I have heard I’m proud of you more? 3. What did I do to make him not like me? 4. If my own father didn’t like or care, do I even deserve to be loved or cared for?
Firstly, you do deserve love. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, where you’ve been, or what your school grades look like. All human beings are deserving of love. That is a standard.
Unfortunately, not everyone is blessed with having good parents. No parent is perfect, but some are definitely worse than others. I’m sorry that you’re dad hasn’t shown you the kind of love you wanted.
I grew up with my mom and she was a different kind of bad parent. She dated an drug-dealing abuser for nearly all of my adolescence, and took little to no interest in my life, beside what would directly affect her. To this day, I still struggle with having a healthy relationship with her, and I’ve been moved out into a healthy environment for 4+ years.
She didn’t show me the kind of interest that I wanted her to show me. She didn’t know my friends. She didn’t understand my interests. All she really knew was my at-home personality. I’ve been in a very serious band for 3+ years now and she just learned what kind of music we play less than a month ago. She’ll act like she cares if I drag it out of her, but her actions make it obvious that she really doesn’t have any substantial selfless care for me.
Note: Of course, she cares about my safety and everything like that, but I’m mostly just talking about emotional support and social care.
The only thing you can do is try to have a serious talk with them about how you feel. Use “I feel,” not “you are” language. I know it’s hard. I’ve tried and failed repeatedly with my mom.
One thing you can do to be more at peace with the circumstance is to acknowledge the reality. Insert some reason into the emotional baggage. It helps a lot to realize and acknowledge the truth. You’ll never have clear footing if you never acknowledge your terrain. But never be stagnant about bad circumstances!
I wish I had better advice, but I’m right there with you! You aren’t alone, and what you’re going through isn’t the end of the story. Love you friend.
Austin
I wish I could have this talk with my father. He died 3 years ago from pulmonary fibrosis on the day my brother got married. I tried locking all these emotions and feelings up in a box and locking it away like it was Pandora’s box, but seeing the picture of the car Tuesday made it all come rushing back. I’m working on getting past this in therapy and the girl that I’m talking to now is extremely supportive and understanding of how my father was and helping me through it.
It’s hard not to base your worth on whether the people in your life love you. A parent’s job is to love you unconditionally. Optimally, it would be good to discuss your feelings about how he acts towards you. If he’s not willing to at least hear you out, that’s a reflection on him.
Video Response: