Was i groomed?

my ex (for this post i’ll refer to him as D) broke up with me last month, i have told my friends everything since they were really surprised because we were together for so long and “seemed so in love/happy” and after telling them the truth, they think i was groomed by him. that news really confused me and i still do not know what to make of it, i always thought i was smart enough to not fall into a trap like that but maybe i guess i was wrong. i cant directly quote what he said when we broke up since it was through text and he has since deleted his messages.

we were together since november 2020, i was 13 when we met and D was 15. i am 15 now and he is 17, he turns 18 next year in jan and i turn 16 in feb. when i put it into perspective i think its really weird he would go after someone who was in middle school and who was ltierally 13. we met either july or june of 2020, and then in november he confessed that he had a crush on me, but said he liked me since october and only then got the confidence to tell me. i was 13 and i thought nothing of it at the time, i remember thinking that dating someone older than me would be cool. skip ahead a few months and in february 2021 my depression was really bad because of things i was dealing with in my personal life.

i did anything i could to try and feel something other than the sadness and anger i felt at the time, so i broke up with D briefly for about four or five days. it just felt the same, and eventually his posts on instagram and his status updates made me feel bad, like i was responsible for his feelings so i went back to him and apologized and made up some bullshit excuse because i never really told anyone about my depression up until a few months ago this year, because i still am struggling with it. D has depression himself, but i still thought he wouldnt understand the reasoning behind my choice to break up with him and i still havent told him, as far as i know he believes the lie. D used to have problems with disordered eating and i would always be fucking exhausted, i felt like i had to deal with it because he would say things like “youre my s/o and i tell you everything, i would appreciate it if you helped” etc and i was/still am struggling with anorexia and those things he would basically make me deal with made it worse and trigger it, but i never spoke up about it and gave everything to help him. he would give me the support i needed only a few times but even then it was half-assed and he would repeat himself like a broken record every time.

D did something to me in march 2021 that still affects me to this day and i try not to think about it because it was awful. and that should have been my thousandth red flag. after this point, for the rest of the relationship i was super unhappy and it felt like every month that went by it made my mental health worse and worse. i have only brought it up a few times over the course of our relationship/during arguements and he would always turn it back on me (“i was in a really rough place”, “well you broke up with me”, etc) but i still stayed and i dont know why. but even now i still feel like what happened in march was my fault and that i deserved it. this whole ‘maybe i was groomed’ thing feels silly to me because i cant accept that maybe it was what happened, even though my friends are telling me that i am a victim of it. there are many many more examples of how shitty he treated me and how bad he would make me feel, but this is all i can think of and i dont think anyone would even attempt to read this if it was just me listing off all the things he said/did.

before anyone asks, i do have him blocked on everything we would talk to each other on/followed each other on (instagram, discord, twitter, etc) and i gave him a very nice FUCK YOU message before doing so. i am so angry at him, i wish nothing upon him but misery for how he made me feel and how i wasted almost three years of my life because of him. i have so many emotions about it but all i can feel right now is anger. seeing him post on social media about how he is the victim in this just makes me more angry because he will be an adult next year and he needs to act his age. honestly he deserves everything he feels right now because thats his fault for dating someone younger than him.

TL:DR i am very hurt and scared because i might be a victim. the stuff above is context/information; i just want advice on what to do/how to deal with this realization.


It’s alarming to think that what was love may have been grooming, no doubt about that. You’re young, and some folks take advantage of that. Hell, even grown people experience grooming sometimes too, and it can happen to anyone, even if you’re vigilant.

You sound like you’ve suffered a lot in this relationship, and it will take time to heal and forget some of that stuff. You’ll have to make peace with some of those incidents, and maybe you might need a therapist or counselor to help you through some of it.

I’m so sorry that he hurt you and didn’t treat you right. I’m glad you’ve blocked him. You are not responsible for his emotions. Now you can finally focus on doing all the things that are BEST FOR YOURSELF, and give yourself priority.

You matter, you are valuable, you deserve love and respect , and to be safe in your relationships. I’m glad you’re here. We’re here to support you on your journey. Glad you’re here with us, friend.



Hi Friend, Welcome to Heart Support! Thank you for trusting us.

I think you were in an abusive relationship and now you know what red flags to look for in the future. I’m very sorry that you’ve had to experience something like this. I hope it doesn’t make you think that you won’t be able to find a healthy and loving relationship in the future. You are still very young and will probably date and meet lots of awesome people. Put this in the past and treat it as a learning experience. Take care! ~Mystrose


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, welcome to Heartsupport its good to meet you and thank you for sharing all this with us. My goodness you have been through such a lot for someone so very young and I am so sorry that this boy has hurt you emotionally. It is very easy at any age to believe someone and be taken advantage of when feelings are involved so it has nothing to do with you not being smart, you sound incredibly smart to me. I am very pleased he is not in your life anymore and now is your time to focus on you. You have mentioned various issues that you are carrying around on your own shoulders and I would love for you to get them dealt with, could you ask to see a therapist about you eating disorder and depression? its so important that you get this under control now and also you dont have anyone else taking your time up. Once you have learned to love and care for yourself I have no doubt that you will find a person that will respect you for who you are and that is what you deserve. I wish you the best of luck. Lisa x

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From: susieqzz

Firstly, welcome to Heart Support, I’m so glad to see you here, thank you for sharing with us.

This truly seriously 100% straight up sounds like it was an abusive relationship. My heart aches for you that you had to go through something like this at such a young age. I am so happy you have your freedom now and you have blocked him on everything.

Your anger is ABSOLUTELY valid. Feel all the emotions that are coming up as you need to, that is an important part of the healing process. I would encourage you to maybe talk it through with a trusted adult in your support system, or even a therapist would probably be best, because they can help you get through this trauma you experienced.

All you can do is hold your head high and move forward. I’m so sorry that this happened to you during such an influential and important time in your childhood, you did not need to go through this and I am angry for you that he put you through it. You have value, you are loved, and deserve someone who will give you the best.

Thank you for sharing and trusting us with these thoughts, we are here for you! -Susie


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