Was it rape?

Hi. I’ve just been wondering if what happened to me constitutes as rape. Around thanksgiving my boyfriend at the time gave me an edible. I was pretty hesitant at first however it was a small dosage so I took it esp since it wasn’t my first time. About fifteen minutes in I was having the worse panic attack and trip of my life. My heart rate went up to 140 beats per minute, I was quivering uncontrollably, and unable to talk. I managed to signal to my boyfriend that something was off & he eventually told his uncle who thankfully was a doctor. The uncle told me I was having a panic attack & they had me lay down on the couch downstairs. While everyone was upstairs my boyfriend stayed downstairs with me. I’d have reoccurring panic attacks & my heart rate kept spiking back at 140 beats per minute. My memory is a little foggy from here on out so bare with me. As we laid on couch we started kissing. He saw this as an invitation & asked if us having sex would make me feel better. I was so out of it but I nodded yes even tho I was having reoccuring panic attacks throughout the evening. Later on he mentioned he liked how vulnerable I was with him but he’s very bad at expressing himself so I didn’t read into it too much. He drove me home & the next day when I had sobered up & came back to my senses I told him I felt very uncomfortable with what happened that day. He barely acknowledged what I said and brushed off the topic. Later when I brought it up again he said he knew what happened that day was off but he didn’t want to say anything on the matter at the time. I broke up with him shortly after because he didn’t take my feelings into consideration. I didn’t accuse him of rape or anything but simply expressed how I thought it wasn’t right of him to have sex with me when I was deeply intoxicated coupled with the fact that his family was upstairs celebrating thanksgiving. I also have a history of sexual trauma which he knew about so that amplified my feelings of discomfort. Eventually, he apologized profusely and wanted to get back together. I stupidly got back with him and we continued having sex. Things weren’t the same especially considering that thanksgiving instance wasn’t the first time he had sex with with me intoxicated when I was uncomfortable. The thing is, I’m not traumatized or anything. I am more so disgusted with his actions and myself for enduring it so long. But the “sexual assault” itself doesn’t bother me. That being said, is it really rape?

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Hi Friend,
This is really a tough thing to talk about. So first I want to tell you that I think you’re incredibly courageous to reach out about this experience. I’m so very sorry that you had to go through that. I believe, personally, that consent can’t be given unless you’re sober. This is strictly my opinion. I experienced something very similar when I was a 16. A 32 year old man put something in my drink and I don’t even remember almost 48 hours of time. In my situation, what happened to me was absolutely rape. I was a minor. I was not sober. I could not consent. So, I think it’s absolutely ok for you to be questioning what happened. Going forward, I think it’s extremely important to communicate your boundaries when it comes to consent.
Again, I am so very sorry that you had to experience this. It’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings when your body and boundaries have been violated. I would strongly urge you to talk to a therapist about these things, if you haven’t already. Sexual assault and abuse can often lead to accepting that it’s normal behavior. And it’s absolutely not normal. Nor is it okay. Anything that you don’t consent to is a violation of your boundaries and your body.
Again, this is all just my opinion and my own experience. Please feel free to reach out on this forum any time. There is a huge community of people that care for your well-being here. Please take care friend.

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Hi Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport, its good to meet you.

I too think you are incredibly brave bringing this story out and im so glad you did and I truly hope that doing this in some way has helped you.
This is a very difficult situation. Of course what happened to you was uncomfortable, unpleasant, unkind and totally unnecessary. This guy was supposed to be caring for you not taking advantage of the situation and I am so glad you ended the relationship after when he showed no apology or disgust in his behaviour, however legally it is only classed as rape if there is no consent at any point.
I am so very sorry that you were in this situation, you never know what you are taking when you take these drugs, what is in them or what they can do to you so please take care, also as @JennaLouise has said with future relatonships maybe setting boundaries from the beginning might be a good idea, you can always change them later if you both want to but its a good place to start.
I hope this hasnt put you off of finding a loving relationship for the future, not everyone is like this. I wish you the very best. Much Love lisa. x

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Hi @sarahanne3 ,
I’m going to pick this post apart a bit to bring up parts that I personally think are a red flag in this situation, and give my opinion on it for you.

Your boyfriend expressed he liked how “vulnerable” you were with him. Where usually this means that people are vulnerable as in being 100% transparent with their feelings, I don’t think this was what he meant. You were in a dazed state, he took advantage of that.

This right here is not okay. He’s not owning up to making a mistake, and even disregarding your feelings on a serious important matter.

Honestly, he didn’t answer this at the first time, so it’s not good on his character even now to finally approach the subject and give an excuse.

Trauma manifests in several ways. This could still be seen as trauma, just as a different negative cognition than weird. I personally think that maybe looking into a professional counselor may benefit you in a situation like this. To me, it sounds 100% like rape.

Even though it looks silly, this video shows consent in the form of giving someone tea, and the many reasons someone doesn’t give consent:

https://www.loveisrespect.org/ is a website for a hotline you can call/text (I text them for added privacy) counselors to give relationship advice and a listening ear. They also help give plenty of resources when need be.

I am so sorry this all happened to you, friend. I’m hoping that I helped some, and things get better for you. :(( Keep us updated, we’re here for you always. <3

From: ManekiNeko

I’m so very sorry for this experience. It wasn’t one that you should have had to go through. During the middle of not being sober and experiencing panic attacks, as Jenna said, I’m of the mind that if someone isn’t sober, even if they do say “okay” in the moment, it’s something that should be left until both parties are clear headed.

I’m sorry he wasn’t communicating and discussing with you the events that took place and what to do better. To make you feel safer. It should be a wonderful experience between two consenting adults and not to add further to making someone feel uncomfortable.
If you ever want or need to talk anonymously to someone about your experiences and get some amazing resources rainn.org is a great site. You don’t have to give any information you’re not comfortable with sharing.
I hope that you continue to heal from this x

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