Alright why is it that life always seems to give us a very big struggle when we dont seem to need it. When life seems to give us the worst we really seem to struggle the most. This is no way a pitty party or me asking you to pitty me because legit I HATE THAT. That is what I get all the time so please do not pitty me for what has happened too me or what I share in this post. As I am not asking for that. I may have had this happen but right now I am not asking for pitty that just makes it worse.
So my life has been rough to start out here is something you should know as my name kind of gives it away I am disabled. I have multiple health issues. I am blind, and deaf. I have a seizure disorder that currently is in the process of being found, I have what is suspected to have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which could cause some other issues. Well it has made find a job really hard and that is making it hard to see past the fact that I cant do a lot. Lately it is putting a strain on my relationship with the person I am closest too. The one I live with my roommate/ best friend/ almost sister kind of friend. We kind of each help take care of the other and the other day she got so mad at me over some cleaning I had done to give myself some space in the apartment (common areas) she threatened me. Than a few days ago she got mad at me over some dishes and refused to go do anything. And said that I would have to do all of the dishes. She made it seem as though that all I am good for is to be this slave that does everything because I choose to be this disabled individual. Well yesterday she told me that because I have yet to find a job that is accommodating to my many disabilities. I am struggling to find ways to ends meet and so her parents keep getting mad at her because they feel like I am not putting effort in but yet I am. I do not sit around this apartment doing nothing all day. I legit am trying my hardest to try and find work and do crap. I have legit been in a place where all I think about is how worthless I am because my health keeps me from being like others and keeps me from being able to just go out and work the every day jobs that others do.
On top of all my health issues I also have recently in the last month had an issue I havent shared with anyone happen. So with the recent move I moved to an area that is new to me. I have had a very troubling childhood and I am not going into that but lets just say lots abuse and lots of other things I dealt with childhood sexual abuse. I was rapped in college too the point I dropped out. I was bullied for being different. I was told that I was just screw up and that there was no reason to keep trying at legit am a survivor of trying to commit suicide multiple times. Well when I moved out of my old state I thought I finally had left all that bad in the back ground. I thought I had left it all behind me. Well I guess not. But at the start of March I was out and about and on my way home when I realized someone was following me. That not just someone but a man. I was headed to a bus stop that was not very busy but of course because of my mobility issues I do not have much choice because my cities very spread out and I had been picking up meds and at this specific spot the buses dont go by very often which sucks. I at first did not think much of the man just gave him the okay he will be fine kind of thought. Well after a little bit my thoughts were wrong and the hairs on my neck stood up as the man began to corner me. (As I sit here writing this the pictures and the panic is hitting so please know I may skip some specifics for my own sake but I can not handle that). I suddenly felt the man gentle place a knife to my side and say dont make a noise. The man than lead me into a back lot. The man from there the forced himself on me (sorry I dont know that I can use other words or I might just end up in a ball).
I have been struggling to just feel like I can ever feel normal and real. To have dealt with so much of that in my younger life and legit I mean dealt with it. Like I legit have gone through counseling. I went through years of it. I have the self harm scars. I have the pains from that. I have them. I tried the addictions to cover it. NONE OF IT WORKED. NONE OF IT NUMBED ME FROM THE PAIN. I JUST want to not be in pain and it wont happen. The stress of feeling and knowing and seeing over and over again that someone keeps doing this to me hurts. WHY?? AM I CURSED IS IT ME. DID I DESERVE THIS. Is it that I was a bad friend did I make my roommate made and not do something for her so this happened. I keep asking myself these things time and time again. I am fighting in my head just how much this happened. I have yet to inform her this happened. She has up too this point kind of blown off my mental health issues from my PTSD so I feel she wont care. Sadly lately a lot that has been on my mind has been the idea that perhaps the world is better off without me and that I am just after all really just helpless.
thanks for reading to this point. I dont know what my point is with this post but thank you for reading.