Hey there,
I’m new here. I’m really struggling. I feel like I’m just a waste of space, and time, and resources. I always have. I can’t afford therapy anymore. Sometimes I think about how it might be imposter syndrome feeling like I am this burdening pile of crud that has duped everyone in her life into not hating the sad, useless, awful person I am by fooling them all into thinking I’m worthy of kindness or love. In theory there are people who actually care very much about me… but also, the more people get to know me the more they hate me. My family abused me, all but one of my exes abused me, my current partner doesn’t abuse me but doesn’t ease my feelings of being a burden very well because while they are happy to give me any reassurances I need - they also don’t talk to me about really serious things that include both of us and they act like I basically am not even a mutual partner in our relationship/lives sometimes. I think it’s because I’m very disabled and they have to care for me all the time, and they don’t understand what it is like in my head/in my body and it is rough for both of us… I know they try very hard to be supportive. But sometimes it feels like they just treat me like another child that needs to be cared for and coddled because I am not useful or helpful enough. Which I know will just make them feel like a shit bag if I try to tell them that, so I keep it to myself because usually it is fine. But we also got in a fight earlier and stuff that keeps me up at night got dragged up, and made me feel even more like this horrible person who doesn’t deserve love or kindness or anything…
And part of why I struggle is because I don’t feel like I deserve love, or kindness, or self-care, or food… and so I just don’t take care of myself so I can save those resources for others that matter more than me.
Honestly, I qualify being successful as having a roof over my head, utilities paid, food to eat, and affording therapy. But I haven’t been able to afford therapy in years and I desperately want it again, I can’t even afford food most months.
Sometimes I want to crawl out of my head and my worthless-feeling body, and just leave behind all the parts that make up the me that hold me back. That make me this burden. That ruins other peoples’ lives having to deal with my limitations and needs.
Sometimes I wish I could teleport my life to another country where I could have better/cheaper/free access to mental health care as well as the physical health care I need to get my chronic illnesses and chronic pain back under control enough to be able to focus through a day. I get no disability benefits or food snaps or anything because I’ve been rejected for them.
I just don’t understand why I should keep going most the time… all I do is ruin anything I touch and make others miserable.
