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Waves…it ebbs and flows

Depression is really kicking my ass this morning. I have friends I could probably dm but I chose to post here today.

I guess I’m feeling really disappointed in myself for letting my mental health get in the way of simple tasks.

Maybe I’m being lazy or a princess with first world problems. Idk.

But the daily business of living seems so hard. There’s always a mess to clean. But I just want to sit down or sleep after I cook or eat or do anything. I only have so many spoons, literally and metaphorically.

It bugs me that all these little things are so simple and that I’d feel better if I was just able to get them done.

But I can’t drag my ass off the couch or out of bed. I play on my phone for hours, searching for some distraction or connection with someone who might understand how I feel.

I can’t make myself get off the couch unless I’m doing something fun like playing a video game or watching YouTube or anything considered “frivolous”. All of a sudden I find energy to stay awake and focused for hours. But I can’t find the energy to simply take care of myself.

Wtf.

Some moments I think “I got this” but then I start to doubt and feel overwhelmed and then the wave crashes and I feel like I’m drowning.

I know how to swim, but if I stop, I don’t know how to stay afloat and tread water.

This morning I’m drowning in my guilt and anxiety and I hate myself for being/feeling weak and stupid.

I think that feeling like I don’t have a safety net and that I’ve gotta do this “all on my own” because it’s embarrassing to ask for help with something so simple…That feeling of being not confident in my abilities, regardless of whether or not I’m actually good or bad, is what’s keeping me from even trying.

And the length of time it takes me to do “normal” things - what would take everyone else 5 minutes takes me an hour. It makes me feel dumb.

Kinda like with this post, I guess. I thought for once I’d just write a few sentences but I’ve ended up ranting/venting for several paragraphs.

I’m rambling. I guess I just wish life was easier and that I didn’t have mental illness. Mental illnesses make everything so much harder. I wish my depression and anxiety would just go away so I could live. I just want to live.

4 Likes

do you accept hugs or handshakes? Cuz I’d like to send you one, or even a hearty nod of the head and a big smile!

You posted a post :slight_smile: that’s not nothing, that takes energy and courage and a lot of brain energy! :smiley:
That’s a huge accomplishment for the day already, and I genuinely mean that, no sass.

does making a plan help you? taking one task, and breaking it up into the smallest tiniest steps imaginable? Like say it’s to clean up your desk. One whole step can be - toss that one old coke can. And don’t replace it with a new empty one. And then you tackle the rest of things in this tiny tiny waves of baby steps.

This is why we say that waking up and taking a shower can be one of the greatest accomplishments, and we really do mean it, because we all know here the way things can get so hard, that the act of even a 2 min shower is a mountain high goal for our tired feet.

So please be kind and gentle with yourself and you keep making the goals. Maybe have a couple different goals, all with tiny steps, so if one seems like it can’t be done today, maybe you can do another thing? Like I don’t have the energy to take the coke can to the trash in the kitchen, but i can fold these clothes that are on my bed right now, or I can gather all my pens and see which are working and make a pile of those to throw away.

Or maybe get youtube to play on a device other than your phone, so it opens up the space where you can see it and hear it, and could give you an energy burst to do more stuff while you watch your fave stuff. Keep trying, keep fighting, we’re here for you, and I’m glad you’re here with us. It’s also scary to reach out, but those that love us also want to help us, and to listen to us too. Hope you have a great day today, doing what it is you’re doing!