Depression is really kicking my ass this morning. I have friends I could probably dm but I chose to post here today.
I guess I’m feeling really disappointed in myself for letting my mental health get in the way of simple tasks.
Maybe I’m being lazy or a princess with first world problems. Idk.
But the daily business of living seems so hard. There’s always a mess to clean. But I just want to sit down or sleep after I cook or eat or do anything. I only have so many spoons, literally and metaphorically.
It bugs me that all these little things are so simple and that I’d feel better if I was just able to get them done.
But I can’t drag my ass off the couch or out of bed. I play on my phone for hours, searching for some distraction or connection with someone who might understand how I feel.
I can’t make myself get off the couch unless I’m doing something fun like playing a video game or watching YouTube or anything considered “frivolous”. All of a sudden I find energy to stay awake and focused for hours. But I can’t find the energy to simply take care of myself.
Some moments I think “I got this” but then I start to doubt and feel overwhelmed and then the wave crashes and I feel like I’m drowning.
I know how to swim, but if I stop, I don’t know how to stay afloat and tread water.
This morning I’m drowning in my guilt and anxiety and I hate myself for being/feeling weak and stupid.
I think that feeling like I don’t have a safety net and that I’ve gotta do this “all on my own” because it’s embarrassing to ask for help with something so simple…That feeling of being not confident in my abilities, regardless of whether or not I’m actually good or bad, is what’s keeping me from even trying.
And the length of time it takes me to do “normal” things - what would take everyone else 5 minutes takes me an hour. It makes me feel dumb.
Kinda like with this post, I guess. I thought for once I’d just write a few sentences but I’ve ended up ranting/venting for several paragraphs.
I’m rambling. I guess I just wish life was easier and that I didn’t have mental illness. Mental illnesses make everything so much harder. I wish my depression and anxiety would just go away so I could live. I just want to live.