I won’t go too into detail but something in 2019 derailed my life. A death of a loved one, of someone I loved, totally spiralled my life out of control and I started stress-eating (more than normal). It was the only thing that could fill the void and, though I’ve started to stop it recently, I’m still wearing the weight I put on 2 years later.
I live with my parents, not by choice. Both of them are overweight. I used to be underweight as a child. I keep asking my mum to put us on a strict diet and stop buying things that count as junk-food. She always agrees, and then a month later she’ll come home with chocolate cakes, crisps, etc. I regularly exercise on one of those pedal bikes and do push-ups and sit-ups but nothing works. I can’t go out to buy my own groceries because I can’t drive (again, not by choice), and my social anxiety is that bad.
I want to know if anybody has any advice on how to lose weight under these conditions. I keep trying but it’s like trying to move a mountain. I feel like I’m trying for nothing, because nothing is going to change. I want to lose weight, I want to be confident in myself again, and I want to go outside and make real life friends once I go on testosterone without worrying about my physical appearance. I’m losing hope and my mental health is suffering because of this.
You’re not sharing details of your loss, but I do want to share how sorry I am that you’ve lost someone so close to you.
I’m wondering if you’ve had a serious discussion with your parents about your relationship with food.
I’d recommend that instead of asking your mum to … change her shopping habits… that you honestly share how you feel. Very honestly tell her how food and the subsequent weight issues, and all the shame around being overweight is affecting your life.
Or perhaps the three of you; you, your mother and father, have a honest discussion, and come up with a plan that all of you can agree to work together.
Emotional eating is a very difficult issue to overcome, we need to eat to stay healthy and stay alive. To self regulate food intake is so much more difficult, than to do it in a supportive environment.
Here is a link to OA, which is a support organization you may find useful. Be at peace with yourself, and calm your fears, you are not alone in this, and you will prevail. Look at the strength and courage you’ve shown for the past 2 years on your own, that could not have been easy for you. You can do this! Peace.
I knew it was here somewhere…I hope you find some answers here.
Thanks for the reply! I have previously tried to talk to both my parents about the issue, but it’s of no concern to them apparently. They are content eating whatever they want and have proven over and over that my mental health is on the backburner for them. I hate to be a burden on them but a lot of the fault lies on them for keeping me so sheltered and not letting me do things by myself when I was little and so I’ve developed very little adult skills as I grew up. A lot of my emotional turmoil stems from them as well. I also don’t get very far in conversation like asking them to not buy bad things because they both have short tempers with me.
It’s unfortunate they don’t appreciate how this is affecting your life, however I don’t believe the circumstances are impossible to overcome. I’d stress getting support through OA and other support channels, a support network with people facing similar struggles could provide more help than you realize now. I think it’s Very important to get the support you need around this issue, before you start to tackle it on your own. A call to a sponsor when you’re on the brink of a ‘binge’ has been a life saver for many in addiction. And emotional eating is an addiction.
I’m kind of curious what you mean by “adult skills”, unless you’re talking about social skills, but social skills, like all ‘skills’ can be learned. The important thing is to make sure you’re in a SAFE place when you’re taking risks. Stepping outside your comfort zone, initializing a conversation, or even saying hello is a risk, so be wary, by watching and listening to whomever, and when you feel that the moment is right, take that risk. There can be a lot of anxiety around taking risks so be prepared for that, and be prepared for it not working.
“Adult skills” are as much about coping as they are about anything. How I handle rejection, loss, betrayal is a skill set many of us have missed, so don’t think everyone you meet has better ‘adult skills’ than you. Take it in steps, very small steps, and soon you’ll be further than you thought possible. When we’re facing major changes, it always appears daunting, but if you can take it a little at a time, you’ll be surprised at your progress. Be gentle on yourself as you go, becoming ‘healthy’ in mind and body does not happen quickly, and it is NOT easy, but it’s possible for those who stay on the path. Peace
Adult skills being things like cooking, making a bed, cleaning a bath, etc. They don’t let me touch any of these things. They continue to treat me like a baby.
My auntie was going to teach me how to read bus schedules and take busses places but then she got breast cancer and had to go to the hospital, and now she doesnt leave the house often because of covid and her immune system(?) is compromised. Sometimes my parents tell me I’m mentally 13 or whatever, and then I look at everything my classmates have accomplished over the years and I just sit alone and cry. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.
I’m sorry your parents are sheltering you so much, but I’d still encourage you to try to make inroads with your parents as much as possible without causing too much friction.
Many of the skills I learn, are off youtube. If there is something I don’t know how to do, that is my go to place for solutions. These types of skills are nice to have, but not exactly necessary to live. Cooking is nice, but I think that microwaves are handy for those who don’t cook much.
Could getting out of your home more, maybe involve yourself in volunteering as a way to help others, and pick up on some ‘skills’ an option for you? In my experience most non-profits are short on help and willing to train you to do whatever it is they do for people. They are an ‘understanding’, group as a rule, and if you share that you have no experience, I’m certain they’d bend over backward to help you get started.
As to classmate comparison, you’ve had challenges that they haven’t, for example, your parents who don’t allow you to grow up. It’s not ‘fair’ to equate your ‘place’ in the world, with theirs. From your perspective you’ll always be the one wanting… and they’ll always be ‘successful’, but you can’t base this evaluation on anything but what YOU THINK, you can’t know their hearts and minds. They may appear successful, but appearances are seldom reality. Concentrate on YOU, and concentrate on becoming More the person you would like to be, don’t let others deprive you of you, and please don’ use others as a yardstick to measure your success.
I’m so happy you’re here, and sharing. It is super courageous, and I hope you continue. Peace
I’ve always wanted to go and volunteer at animal shelters but it then cycles back to the weight and dysphoria thing. I’ll try learning skills from youtube, I had to learn how to tie my laces from there at the age of 14 (and luckily i had a sweet friend during high school who didnt think i was weird for not knowing and would help). Your replies are giving me a bit of hope for the future, thank you so much. I still don’t know how to lose weight in this situation but I do feel better.
Just remember everything starts with a single thought or action. As I’ve said, a support system is Very important.
If for instance you get frustrated with your parents, and that triggers your food cravings, it would be helpful to have people to call, or turn to to help you through the event.
Many, many, people, (me) have tried to ‘heal’ on their own, but when you find yourself in a struggle, it’s so much better to have support, which is why I think it’s best to start working the support system first. In my case, when I was triggered, I didn’t have support, so I often gave into my very unhealthy addictions.
Also, as you make progress, (and you must acknowledge your progress!), as you make changes to become the person you want to be, you’ll start noticing how YOU Are changing too.
It takes time, it takes the desire to want to be who you want to be, and it takes support. Keep coming back here too, we’ll want to know how you’re doing. Peace.
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