I wish I had fallen off that bridge down into the deep canyon and died. That’s too bad. Everything around me could easily kill me. But it doesn’t. And I feel like an idiot about it. I really did just overreact. Things didn’t suck. Things were actually good. It went okay. Which makes me happy. I think. I don’t really feel like that though. It’s empty in there. But when there’s nothing there, nothing bad is in there, so that’s good. I’ll probably be in the same situation next week, or the week after. But it doesn’t matter. It might be a cycle, but its not too painful. Who knows, maybe I’ll build up a tolerance and I’ll do something right for once. But this week was all right. No reason not to be happy. I don’t care though. I should stop caring. Then I wouldn’t have a problem. Because I wouldn’t recognize it. I wouldn’t recognize anything. I wouldn’t recognize that sharp scythe right behind me waiting to remove my head. I feel happy!
I’m glad you didn’t. But I’m sorry you have to live in a world like this. It sucks here.
Idk what happened that went okay, but sometimes when we deal with so much negative things we start assuming it is negative as a defense mechanism. Which makes it even scarier and more frustrating to live. Being empty does help with pain, but in the long term it can cause issues with sanity. Though, so can too many emotions of course. It’s all about balance, which can be almost impossible depending on how stressful live is. So I don’t blame you. Don’t stop caring though, if you’re happy just cherish that moment. It’s probably the best feeling to have in life. But do remember to protect your emotions when the time comes.
I hope the scythe fades over time. We all have a place here.
Thank you for posting
I am glad that you are still here to be able to share your thoughts, its ok to be worried about what could happen especially when you have been through trauma. Even when things seem good its ok to wonder if anything will go wrong, I think its human nature to have those thoughts sometimes, that doesn’t make you stupid or an idiot.
I wouldn’t want you to stop caring because that is what makes you, you and you are a very special person who deserves to feel, just like every one else does. so be kinder to yourself if you can and allow yourself to be happy if you feel that way because that’s ok.
Totally understand that feeling of having weight on your shoulders or a feeling of doom. I can imagine you are going through a lot of feelings and the negativity can feel so heavy that the positive seems unreal. I hope you can find some way to persist through the pain you are dealing with and come through stronger.
I know you can do good in this world. I personally have found it to help me from those feelings of negativity to be helping others, whether that was in person previously or virtually. I know there are ways to heal that are different for everyone, but I know it has helped me.
Wishing you kindness, patience, love/Mish
hi @Swix (hey we’re kinda twins with our usernames, swix and twix),
first off, thank you for sharing these raw emotions with your heartsupport community. i’m thankful that you are here, with us all, in this moment, reading these words i’m typing to you. so for all that must have happened on that bridge near the canyon, i am happy that you were able to rise above it. if you need to talk through any of that, i am here for you.
when it comes to things occurring in a cycle week-after-week, all i can say from experience is that life is a rollercoaster and with every high comes a low. so while the ride might come with fear during the dips, i hope that you’ll feel the joy that comes from riding the highs on that rollercoaster. let us all know if you need anything, my friend, we got your back.
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