Back to heartsupport

Well, this is fun

tw//suicidal thoughts, self-harm

It’s really interesting having a therapist that doesn’t know you exist. We aren’t safe enough to be out as a system to those around us yet, so we can’t tell her about us, but I wish we could. I’m at the point of being suicidal. I have terrible anxiety to the point of breaking down shaking in the kitchen at night. I’ve started self-harming which I wish I didn’t do because that hurts the body and just leaves us with more scars than we already have, but I don’t know anything else to do.

I’ve completely stopped crying. I could feel tears right on the edge of my eyes, but they wouldn’t fall. Even if I wanted to cry, I can’t do it. I don’t tell anyone what’s going on, especially not the people I’m closest to because then they’ll worry about me and I don’t want them to worry about me.

I don’t even live up to what I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be a protector, but I can barely do that because it just ends up making me more and more depressed every time I get yelled at, or told that something I did was wrong. It’s exhausting but I can’t do anything. I can’t ask for help from our therapist because we can’t tell her about us yet, and I can’t tell anyone what’s happening because then they’ll worry about me. My mental health has deteriorated over the past few years and I feel like I’m going insane.

-Jordan

5 Likes

I wanted to tell you that you are loved!
You matter, you are cared for by all of us here!
You mean so much, you are worthy of a full happy and fulfilling life.

You are worthy of being free from self harm and free from pain. If you feel like you are unsafe at home, there are a number of resources available, and I would highly suggest talking to somebody about it or posting on here if you need resources and waiting for a site moderator to reply with information

If you feel you are in a situation where people will be too worried about you if you do say something. Then you know that your friends, family, or whoever you would say it to love you and they know you matter and they care for you. You are loved so deeply and widely, your friends want to know the pain and want you to get better.

I would say you probably live up to not just what you’re supposed to be, but more than that. Everybody is always learning throughout their lives. I am the husband in my household, but I’m not the breadwinner. I am a stay at home house husband and that can feel like I can’t even do anything but fold laundry and do dishes, but I also know that it’s a very important job and that I still am doing all the things I did before. But it took me a long time to get there and it took me a lot of support from my friends to get to that point.

I have felt that point where it gets worse and worse when I get yelled at. I learned a lot about relationships then, and journaling too.

I’m a big proponent of journaling. As you are now waiting for your therapist, is it possible for you to journal about everything going on? (The bad AND the good?) I say that because there’s a lot that a therapist can see in a journal you make which you bring along for your visits that can help them sort through your feelings, even if you don’t give it to them and you are just using it for your own thoughts to make sure you know everything you want to say to them over the course of time you’re with them. I know I would give my journals to the therapist but he wouldn’t read more than the front page of what I wrote down and give it back. My journal’s front page of the week was always stuff like “what was my best moment, what was my favorite meal that week, what did I have the best time with, what was my worst moment”. Things like that can simply be what your journal was, it dosen’t have to be written like “Dear Journal, today I went to MrDanny’s Burger Hut and got a Slice of Apple Pie and it stunk like a rotten tomato”. It could simply be “Today’s good things - got to go out and get a MrDanny’s Slamming Burger”.
At first journaling might feel like chaos because you’re waiting for your therapist and you want to get all the answers like yesterday, but if you start by doing things like writing down a list of what were 10 things you liked about the day, you will find at first it might be hard to fill in a page, but if you begin with 1 or 2 things, then the next day you might write the same things down and then the next day it might be the same, but add one more. after 10 days it might be the same things but you add an 11th thing and so on, but you may not always have that.
Journaling is a constant reminder of the good (and positive) things you can hold on to in life while things are going on. I use gardening as my thing, there are a lot of things. My wife does a lot of coloring with the coloring books she finds in the dollar store using the gel pens or colored markers to help her relax. She started with the little ones and works her way up. Are there any positive things you enjoy that may be able to help you work through this while your on your way? Like do you enjoy singing or such? There’s so much.

I hope I’ve been able to be of encouragement to you.

You are loved! You matter! You are cared for!
You are worthy of healing and remaining happy!

You are not alone, and you are loved.

2 Likes

Hey @TheRats ey @th

The HeartSupport Houston Team responded to your post here. Hold fast friend, and lean on our community.

3 Likes