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What am I doing

My stomach hurts, my body aches everywhere up to the lungs, breathing is a struggle. I can’t explain what’s in my head, it’s so loud it goes silent. I feel like fainting, I’m so dizzy, at the same time I feel nauseous. Scissors… couldn’t cut my skin deeper, maybe I hesitated, because I’m a believer. I keep on repeating over and over, I wrote it down to a paper God, You can take my life, it’s alright. I can’t bare it. I know that. I don’t know what to do. I’m so… tired.

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@Merida, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds like were really experiencing a rough time when you posted. The stomach that hurts, the body aches, the breathing… I feel the same way when my anxiety is at its worst, to the point on begging of my knees just for a little spark of relief. Just something to be at peace.

Is it possible that something triggered those thoughts and physical reactions today?

It’s okay if you don’t know yet. And please don’t feel any obligation to respond to this specifically if you don’t want to. The priority is that you remain safe. Please make sure to let these sensations and urges pass, even if it has to happen through tears or a long nap. Your body and your mind will need plenty of rest after such an emotional storm.

Keep us updated, friend. We care about you. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:

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hi @Merida ,

i hope that in the time between you posting and this reply that you have found some peace. i want to echo everything the marvelous @Micro shared in the previous reply. you are far from alone in these intense feelings that anxiety and depression can bring.

i hope you are able to take some moments when you can to take care of yourself (napping, a nice warm bath, a walk in nature, listening to your fav album, baking a fav dessert, hobbies, etc.). as long as it brings you any sense of positive comfort and security, i think you will truly benefit from it. have you also tried grounding techniques? by engaging other thoughts and senses, you can get your mind off of the pain you’re feeling and focus on something outside of yourself. these, of course, are all helpful tools and suggestions but i hope they are able to benefit you later on if these feelings arise again.

all that to say, you are far from alone and we are all here to help you remember that you are safe, you are okay, and you are loved. your heartsupport community will be walking beside you as you face these tough times so please reach out if you need anything, whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. you give this world so much value and i’m so thankful to be able to connect with you in this moment. i’m here for you always.

love,
twix

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Dear @Merida

You are hurting, I can see that, and the frustration and pain of anxiety can be so horrible. I can tell you it does get better. I know this because I have anxiety and depression. I have had moments where my heart was pounding and racing thoughts, made my stomach upset, gotten headaches, the works.

I want to share with you things that help me. I am not a therapist or medical professional but this is what works best for me over the years.

  1. Identify what is causing the feeling, and acknowledge it.

  2. Working on controlling my breath, cyclical or diaphragmatic breathing.

  3. I will have things in my reach that have a texture or are squishy that I can “worry” on with my hands and that can move a lot of the tense energy out of my system.

  4. Listening to music or weather sounds. Audio books can be good as well.

  5. (probably most important) talking to a doctor or therapist and working on a treatment plan. I used to take medication until I was able to manage my anxiety without. I have sometimes had to go back to medication if I have a relapse.

I truly hope you can take some of my tips to mind. You are not alone in this world and so many of us want to help you be your best self. I imagine that the toughest times shape us into the strongest version of ourselves.

With care/Mish

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Hey Merida
Thank you for your post, Anxiety is such a monster that can either creep up on you when you really are not expecting it or is there to bash you in the face when you are either way it causes all those feelings and more and its horrid and you will try anything to make it stop.
There are different ways of coping with anxiety, mindfulness is one, there are many you tube videos on that you can look at.
I also listen to thunderstorm sounds. that relaxes me.
I hope this helps a bit.
I would suggest talking to someone about what is causing all of your anxiety to help with it
Best wishes to you
Lisa :heart:

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It’s not that I don’t want to reply, but I don’t know how to reply without being too burdensome because I can’t just say thank you for all the replies and makes people think they’ve helped my problems… because it doesn’t. I don’t know how to say, that I’ve heard and read all those similar answers and solutions, and it doesn’t help, instead it becomes something I heard too many times, that it hurts me.

I talked to my academic advisor today. Everybody in my class talked to him since it’s a mandatory thing to do, whether they just complain about the lesson or professor.

My counselor told me I have to speak with my academic advisor. So I thought, this is my chance.

I got into the breakout room on zoom, face to face with the academic advisor. I never intended to tell him my story, but he insisted that I have to tell him something so he can help.

The feeling I felt and I still do now, is anger and shame. I’m angry for having to tell my story again, and listen to the same, exact, answer that everyone in my life told me, especially my parents, every damn day, and I’m sick of it. I’m ashamed because I cried. I cried when I first told him just a tiny part of my story. I hated it. I asked myself why I cried, and why I always cried when I told someone my story. This is exactly why I don’t do video call with my counselor, instead we only text each other during the session.

I left a scar again, yesterday, and today. My chest hurts, I don’t mean it in a metaphorical way, but literally hurts. I hate that pain. My mind has been filled with endless violence where if I can’t hurt someone, then I could only hurt myself physically. It becomes my anger outlet and a need.

All of you would be able to help me, and I know it for sure, if only you’re really with me in reality to get me out of here. But the fact is I’m only here virtually.

Regardless, thank you for all your concerns towards me. I’m still alone in this and I’m just looking at myself in this 4 years of -time robbing college- if I’ll live through it with my sanity, or not live at all. Well, I did wrote a letter for me if I ever reach the age of 25…

do you have access to your own therapist? Not sure what services are available to you. You said counselor but I assumed that was an academic counselor who suggested you speak with the academic advisor?

Yes, it’s an academic counselor, they’re kind of the psychologist for students but free of payment so obviously they won’t help much. I don’t have access to therapists because I’m not financially available to pay for such expensive thing myself, and I’m even ashamed to say that when I’m a grown up 21 years old woman. I told my parents I just want to work from scratch, like I don’t care if I start from a cafe, restaurant, or cashier, or a warehouse, I just want to earn my money from there, but then they insulted those works as in those works are for “those people” and they’d rather force me to finish college, again, than me working. I don’t even have the energy to argue with them. Especially in this wretched family.