What Am I Here For?

[FaeTheProud]

TW: SUICIDAL IDEATION AND INTEREST IN SELF HARM

I don’t like talking about what I’m thinking/feeling normally, but damn have I been on the struggle bus lately. I haven’t felt this low in a good while and that scares me. It’s not often I get this low this quickly with nothing to instigate it. I don’t want my friends to worry about me so I put on a smile and I keep going like nothing is happening. But something is happening. I feel worthless. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I’m…I’m nothing. I don’t want to feel such sorrow all the time. I feel like I’m not worth having around. I feel so many things that I can’t even describe. I don’t want to leave my friends here by themselves, but I’m suffering and I just want it to stop. Whether that’s going back and undoing my clean streak or it’s going away for good, I wouldn’t mind either one. It’s so tiring all the time trying to be brave when all I can think about is what I can do to end whatever the hell is happening in my head. I don’t want to be here if this pattern of harmful thoughts never stops. I don’t want to worry anybody so why talk about it? If I were to undo my clean streak I wouldn’t need to talk about it because then it would be in a physical form. I could have that release I’m so badly needing for my emotions. Although, I would need to figure out how to hide it. I don’t want people to feel bad for me because of what they see. So for now not talking about seems to be the best option. But then that leads me to another reason why not talking about it isn’t ideal. Not talking about it will make everything build up inside and then eventually I’ll explode and if I do that my friends might leave me. So to prevent that I should just leave right? I mean if all I’m going to be thinking about it just that why not act on it? If I can’t focus on good, positive, thoughts for a very long time what am I even sticking around for? I’m not worth being remembered. I’m not worth the tears or the grief. I’m not worth much of anything from my point of view. I don’t feel like I bring anything all that great to the table. I feel like it would be better for the greater majority if I eventually disappeared. I wouldn’t be at risk of hurting the people I care about all the time that way. I wouldn’t have the chance to worry them since I wouldn’t be around them anymore. That’s what’s best for them and me. The constant fear that if I act on my thoughts my friends will feel bad for me, leave me, worry about me…it’s just too much. I don’t want them to suffer because of my suffering. That’s not right. Leaving is the only solution I can think of. It’s better this way anyway. No point in staying if I don’t have a purpose anyway, right?

[Wings]

I think the primary reason someone shouldn’t consider disappearing is for their own sake. I hate to see someone throw away all the zillions of great moments yet to come, and all the love they have to share and receive.

@FaeTheProud

I don’t want them to suffer because of my suffering.

If you were to be gone, their suffering would persist, maybe forever. The question would remain, “why didn’t they trust me enough to talk about it?” Or, "what if I could’ve spent more time with her? " The bottom line is, you won’t reduce anyone’s suffering by not being around.

@FaeTheProud

No point in staying if I don’t have a purpose anyway, right?

The essential purpose is to share love, support and all manner of experience and adventure with each other. Additionally, you’re free to choose a purpose, and if you want, change your mind and decide on another purpose. Purpose isn’t something handed down from on high. The gift from the Universe is the ability to choose a purpose. So, if you have no purpose… pick one or more if you want.

@FaeTheProud

The constant fear that if I act on my thoughts my friends will feel bad for me,

Fear isn’t a great long term motivator. Besides that, it tends to attract thoughts one wishes to avoid. As long as you’re not wandering on a road full of speeding vehicles, are you afraid of being hit by a car? As long as you aren’t entertaining SI, is there any reason to feel fearful?

It seems that the entire issue with SI is based on feeling worthless. The TRUTH is that you’re worth as much as anyone on the planet. With that said, you need to realize that there’s a social malignancy that’s been around for at least several generations that has resulted in countless people, perhaps a majority of them, feeling worthless, insecure, or if successful, like imposters who really didn’t get where they were on merit.

Self harm is a distraction, but it’s temporary and results in combining the initial trigger with the added effect of feeling bad about the SH itself. In other words, the net result is to feel worse than you did before the SH. It doesn’t feel like the same kind of “worse,” but that’s what makes it more insidious.

My alternative to SH was exercise. In fact, I’d run till I ached. Aerobic exercise clears the mind and releases endorphins that according to a lot of people, including me, are very effective antidepressants. You’ve probably heard about the “runner’s high.”

@FaeTheProud

It’s not often I get this low this quickly with nothing to instigate it.

It might be a brain chemistry thing. It might be low blood sugar. It might be something else. It’s worth talking to your doctor about. Are you in therapy?

[Aardvark]

Hi Fae,
thank you for sharing and reaching out here.
feeling that low, feeling worthless and not deserving is so difficult and hard. all of this, emotions, feelings that lead
to this point, to isolate yourself from your friends, because you think that you do not deserve this.
reaching out seems so far away, like a shout into darkness. the only thing we and you want to is to run away, have
a moment of peace of mind. all the thoughts running around in your head, in our heads are overwhelming.
we often tend to see the negative things, the sorrow and worries first, and then the things that matter in life.
if you let people know what you are going through, you do not share your sorrow and worries only. you share
vulnerability and trust ! and you show heart.
imagine yourself in the chair in front of you speaking. would you help a person reaching out to you ? i bet you would.
i definitely would help, no matter what, because that is what friends do. what people should do more.
if no one is knowing what you are going through, no one can look into your mind or around a corner.
reaching out is hard, reaching out is like showing someone your whole self and also you show yourself even more
naked then anything else. but real friends will be there, always and forever. they go with you through good times and
the bad times.
would you be there for your friends when they need you ? you can not hurt someone with sharing what you are going through. you are building up even deeper friendships and relationships with them.
as @Wings said really beautiful, if you were to be gone, they all would suffer so much, they would experience more pain. i lost a friend to suicide, not a close one, but one i have seen from time to time in my company, he had problems in his private life, let no one know of that. often when i am in the building he worked, i remember him, we were sitting down for a coffee and talking about work and all those bullshit crap we should care less about.
life is so much more. life is beautiful if you want it to be beautiful. life is blooming.
you are to be held , and not to be missed my friend.
you are loved and you matter most, feel incredibly hugged

[DiscordReply]

From: ManekiNeko

hey fae, Im so proud of you firstly for reaching out and talking about this. I know all you want is to hide and feel this weight lifting and doing that alone can be incredibly lonely and hard. I know those thoughts echo and tell you that your friends and the people who love you would be better off, but you offer them something no one else can. You are your unique own self, fae. There is such a strength to reaching out like you have and I hope that the words people share with you here help to build that strength. You are so loved. You have so much worth in this world. We love you. We have seen you grow and be a part of this community. It’s always an honour to have you share.

[Micro]

Dearest @FaeTheProud,

You are so very loved. So very loved. I mean it. And even form a distant perspective, I’ve never ceased to be inspired by you, by your growth, by your honesty while facing these obstacles throughout your journey. I care about you. We care about you here, so much. Let’s try to ease the pain, but not let it drive decisions that wouldn’t be right. You know how much our mind can go into this spiral of trying to convince us how much disappearing would be the appropriate solution, while it isn’t. You have a beautiful heart that more of this world need to know. You have passions that deserve to be pursued. There are hugs that are yet to be given and received. This is not the end of your path. <3

[MissTpyed]

Thank you for trusting us with your innermost thoughts at a time when you find it the hardest.

Putting on a brave face is a natural reaction when experiencing feelings that we are too embarrassed or ashamed to admit. The fear of how people might react if you were honest can be overwhelming and create a cycle that too often spins out of control. This fear of talking about your feelings may be the ‘nothing’ that has instigated your rapid mental decline.

Transfering your feelings from the mental to the physical the way you describe may provide a release and give you back some of the control you have lost, but it is not a long-term solution. Deep down, you know you need to talk this through with somebody, and reaching out to Heart Support is a positive start. It will help to put something in place before your desperation leads to actions that no amount of talking can undo.

However worthless you may feel, this is never a true reflection of your value. With you gone, there would be more tears and grief than you can comprehend. Just because you see yourself a certain way does not mean other people do. Your loss would be much more significant than you could believe.

Although it can be relentless, a period of deep depression like this will pass. Now is not the time for making plans. Instead, concentrate on looking after yourself and getting through this crisis. Once it has passed - which it will - you need to put your trust in somebody and learn tactics to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. Deep down, you know you have people around you who would be thrilled to help you make these positive steps.

[Bobohobo]

Hi Fae, thank you for sharing.
It seems like you’re having a lot of emotional pain and hardship. I know what it’s like. It seems as if you are not completely in touch with what’s making you feel like you’re not worthy or have an urge to self-harm so maybe exploring that or writing about it would help sort through some things and give you clarity.
Those thoughts about you not being worthy and that people are better without you are lies. Have there been people who cared for you recently? Who asked you how you’re doing or put an effort into being with you? If the answer is yes, then these people would not be better without you.
Many things in life cause pain, including relationships, but that doesn’t mean the people in them would be better off without us. It means something needs to improve, someone needs to realize their mistake, learn from it, and change.