I’m sorry in advance for the fucking novel. I got out of the Army six months ago. I’d spent the majority of my time in fantasizing about getting out and going home. Being with my girlfriend of several years, seeing family again, hanging out with friends again, and being rid of the general stress of being in the army infantry.
And now I’m out. I’m away from dudes that I’d fucking die for, surrounded by people that can’t relate to the past four years of my life. My pre-army buddies are in college or doing their own thing. My relationship failed a couple of months before I got out, and I wasn’t able to patch things up. The purpose I once had in life is gone, and I’m drowning myself in CrossFit, and BJJ/MMA training to make it through the days. I pour my pain, anger, frustrations, and loneliness into these hobbies. But it feels like I’m putting a band aid on a missing limb. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore and I often find myself thinking about dropping everything and disappearing to a random corner of America without telling anyone to restart my life. That, or filling a backpack up with cement blocks and jumping off a nearby bridge into a river. I don’t know anymore, and I’m sick of the desperation.