So, I am dating this girl that I have known for 5 years. We met at church, but then we lost contact for quite a while (well, I lost all contact with her), and then one day she messaged me (January), and from there on our relationship grew more and more, and then we started dating. But, she isn’t the same anymore. I do love her so much, but it does bother me to see what she has become… She started smoking marijuana (and not just smoke for fun, she actually grew an addiction towards it). Not only that, but she started following Paganism (which-crafting, etc.), she tells me it is not the “dark” one that most of us grew up to know. So, I believe in Christ (I will not label myself as a Christian, because I am nowhere good enough for that). And, I was taught as a child, and even still to this day people (Christians) will tell me not to mix with other religions, because I will open doors to something. And yes, it does scare me… But, I don’t want to leave her, just because she believes different than I do, I mean, is it not then judging her religion, which is apparently wrong according to the Bible? And not only that, but also the fact that if I leave her for that reason, it will show her AND her family that I was not willing to accept her for who she is (One of the key foundations in a relationship in my eyes…)
I came to a point where I did tell her that I will go to her Pagan gathering, warning her from the start that neither her, the leader or her friends should expect me to change my beliefs, because that is where I will get defensive about what I KNOW for a FACT is true. (I do apologize if you are a non-believer and reading this). So, I am going to join her on the next gathering. Then one day we went out. I spoiled her for a bit of Sushi for lunch, and she told me that she is going to go to a ritual… Where they practice magic. And the reason why it got to me, is because, I am afraid she does open doors that are meant to stay shut, and that it will affect me… Or, will it only affect me in a bad way if I allow it to?
Now, the issue about her marijuana addiction… The job where I currently work at, two of my customers told me they had a friend who developed psychosis because of it. My father had a friend who developed schizophrenia because of it. And to top that off, I have two friends who also went into a heavy state of psychosis because of it. I know, there will be some readers who will maybe try to defend marijuana by saying it is natural. And yes, I do agree with you on that. But, do you really think it is a drug you should be smoking multiple times on a daily basis when you already struggle with depression, bipolar, etc? Because she does. (Well, not bipolar, but depression). And I can’t think that it is healthy for her mind, and I am so afraid that she becomes one of those victims to develop an even more frightening and heartbreaking (for me) mental illness… If she could smoke it more responsibly, I would have been more chilled with it. But it is a point where she will leave me at her house to go buy it, and won’t even tell me when I ask her where she is off to (I mean, I am a guest there, so I would like to know why I am being left behind). Her brother and his friend had to tell me where she was going. And when she got back, she left me alone in a room, already at a point where I am about to have a panic attack (had a horrible day to begin with), but it was as if she didn’t care. Until I told her I want to be left alone for the rest of the night. Only then did she come to me, and not even to say sorry, only to tell me she will take me home then. And I just fell to my knees and started crying… That was the only time she would actually try to calm me down.
She is so willing to leave me if I do not agree with her methods of doing things… After I have sacrificed so much for her (which is irrelevant, but still).
But… I do get the feeling that all of this started happening after her father passed away (2/3 years ago, I prefer not to ask her about it). I just… Don’t know what to do… I honestly believe that it is because of her father, but what I want to know is… Will she grow out of it? I have tried to show her how loving and accepting God and true Christians are. Because I don’t want to force her into anything, and neither do I want to be the one that changes her. I want her to hopefully one day make the decision for herself.
Am I being unnecessary? Am I just going on about nothing? Am I putting too much faith in this relationship to think it will one day get better? That all this pain that I have to endure is worth it, because nothing means more to than to see her happy. And if I am correct to have so much faith in her that she will one day realize what is actually going on, how do I cope with it now? How can I support her, without having her try to change me. How can I support her? But at the same time not give her the impression then she has me on a leash, but instead show her that I will support her and be there for her. And then hopefully one day realize that the path she has chosen now isn’t as full of joy as she thought… Please, I am scared. I am scared that I lose myself or lose her… I am scared that the old her will be gone sooner than I’d hope for… The girl that wouldn’t rely on smoking every 3/4 hours just to feel numb and forget about the bad things…