What do you suggest?

[itsnotoveryet]

Hello, as some of you lovely people know (You guys are the best, I cannot thank you all enough for being there for me!), I’ve been considering moving out of my toxic family home. This consists of:

Me (Don’t work, don’t have an ID to work either)
Boyfriend (Works shift leader in job, pays rent. Has car thanks to brother, but can’t use it anymore since it’s always broken and bf doesn’t even have a driving license yet)

—brother said he would help us get these things, hasn’t yet happened in months/years–
*They all work the same job, it would be hard to switch jobs because then we’d deal with brother.

Narcissistic brother with anger issues (“man of the house”. Works as assistant manager at job but acts like the boss),

Brother’s fiancee I call his “minion” (works as shift leader in job), and

Mother with narc. tendencies but I still love her. Also handicapped without the benefits, can’t work and depends on brother.

To try to sum it all down,
-Brother controls all. Fiancee follows.
-Mom is tired and has no choice but to stay under the same roof, but if she had a choice idk if she would leave.
-Boyfriend and I are extremely emotionally drained. We’re done.

We have two plans to leave but there are downsides, but that unfortunately comes with any huge decision.

Plan A: Me and bf talk to his biological father in another state and move in with him.

-Downside: I don’t know how to cope with leaving my mother alone, boyfriend will be away from his family, and my family won’t have someone that pays rent anymore (which is my bf’s responsibility here)
-Upside: Freedom, haha.

Plan B: Bf moves back to his parent’s place and saves money there to help us get our own place eventually.

Downside- Long waiting time, probably a lot of toxicity to deal with when he leaves, and after he leaves. I’m afraid of how they’ll be around me when he’s gone. I’ll probably be the blame for something somehow, although it will be unbearable either way.

Upside: My Hopes are that my mom won’t react as badly if he left, compared to if we both left? I don’t know, honestly…

Just a side note, I tried to get an ID recently, but I didn’t want my brother finding out. Thanks to the car (this is supposedly my bf’s car btw, the only car that can be driven atm) having issues, now my brother takes my bf to work and all that. We don’t have access to “his” car anymore. I don’t even want to tell my brother I want to get an ID honestly because he always wants to be in charge of everything so I think he’ll just give me excuses like he has the past about 2 years.

We also have been having a hard time trying to save money since it’s going to my bf’s constantly messed up car.

What do you guys suggest I do? Does plan A or plan B sound better? How do I cope with leaving my mother or should I leave at all? Me and my boyfriend desperately need another perspective, I’m hoping I get some hope here. Thank you all so much as always. Take care.

[Wings]

It sounds like the options you are considering involve a whole lot of logistical issues that I have no clue about. I don’t get how your boyfriend came to be responsible for your mom’s rent. If he is paying mom’s rent, moving back home probably will not help him save money any faster.

It looks as though any decision you make, will result in “toxicity.” Therefore, as long as you will have to weather that kind of storm regardless of what action you take, you might as well make a move that is most beneficial for the two of you.

What would your mother do if something happened to you, and you can no longer help her? It’s really not fair for you to be held prisoner by her needs. If you want to hang around as a matter of choice and really want to help your mom, that’s okay, but if the circumstances there are intolerable, staying there will only prolong suffering. I think the best part of your mom would not want you to abandon your life just to serve her.

It sounds like “brother” can handle taking care of your mom. If she needs personal care, and has no income, there’s a good chance that she can get assistance from a Medicaid funded home health agency.

If your boyfriend’s father is a decent guy, I think moving in with him may be your best option. The two of you need to be in a sane situation, in order to get both of your lives on track. If the car is a money pit, it might be best to sell it and get something else.

I am just someone many miles away, and my observations and recommendations might not be the right ones for your situation. Still, perhaps my thoughts might help you to come up with some other ideas.

My impression is, as long as you are around your brother, your life is going to be messed up, and that is not fair to you or your boyfriend.

[itsnotoveryet]

Hello @Wings , thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I apologize for not being clear enough about my options, but the bottom line is leaving so I suppose that is the main issue.

My boyfriend has been responsible for rent ever since he’s moved in with us. I guess I should add that the house isn’t owned, it’s for rent. It’s only a tad pricier since I finally have a room for myself and my boyfriend now. I brought this up because I was stressed about leaving them with having to pay for that. Rent went from 500 to 975 since we’ve moved. It probably doesn’t matter, but it is not my mom’s rent, the place is in my brother’s name.

And yes, that is true, regardless of what decision I make, there will be a bad reaction regardless. So i suppose i should go with the most beneficial for me. For some reason, I did not come to this conclusion, so I thank you for putting that out there.

I’ve witnessed both of my sisters leave home. When one of my sisters decided to leave years ago, it left us in many financial issues, we became homeless, etc. I witnessed my mother being angry, bitter, and depressed during that time. Although, this was before my brother took charge of everything. My sisters left for their own reasons.That is why I have so many fears about the outcome.

When it comes to my mom getting assistance, they’ve tried to apply to something for a year and she was unfortunately denied. I don’t know for sure if they are applying for it again but I can only hope so.

I’d love to sell the car, but even though my brother gave it to my boyfriend, it feels like it’s my brother’s car. If we tried to sell it, I don’t know what could ensue. Actually, I just realized the car isn’t in my boyfriend’s name, anyway. No insurance…

I hope I cleared some things up, again thank you so much. Your thoughts helped me realize that if I’m going to leave, it will be bad either way so I should pick the most beneficial option. I realize no matter what I do, it’s an obstacle I have to cross if I don’t want to suffer anymore. I have this huge fear of leaving my mother so I need to figure out how to process through that…

I would also like to add that I woke up this morning and when I checked heartsupport my heart jumped when I saw your profile picture. I’ve always admired the amount of support you gives others so I was so grateful to see you take the time to message me. Thank you again.

[Wings]

Thank you for acknowledging my effort. I’m glad it was helpful. It’s too risky to drive an uninsured car. An accident related lawsuit could leave you owing money for the rest of your lives. If you get pulled over for any reason, the car will be impounded, and the storage fees usually run at least $70 a day. Also, they will not release the car until the fines are paid and insurance is purchased. If the car is in your brother’s name, he’s not likely to let your boyfriend leave town with it. You can’t sell the car, so that’s not even worth thinking about.

It’s not fair for your mom to trap you through the use of emotional blackmail. Even if you wanted to, you probably would not be able to do a decent job of caring for her if by doing so, you have to give up your own peace of mind and mental health.

So your brother is controlling everything while living rent-free?

You need an escape plan, even if it means pinching pennies. Unless you live someplace like New York City, you or your boyfriend need your own vehicle, that you can insure and drive legally.

Is it possible that your dad or another family member could lend you enough money to get yourselves established into a workable situation?

You probably already know this, but it’s not a good idea that your brother or mom know that you are planning on leaving.

I can’t say how it is everywhere, but in the states around here, applications for assistance are virtually always denied, then an appeal process follows, and sometimes it’s necessary to reapply. The initial denial is standard practice, as a lot of applicants just give up and go away, so there is less work for the social work staff to do. There are also social service agencies that help applicants navigate through the process and be approved. She might even be able to get pro bono legal representation.

It may come down to secretly setting aside a little bit of money from each paycheck until you have enough to make a move.

Knowing that your current circumstances don’t have to go on forever, might make it easier to cope.

[itsnotoveryet]

Thank you for another caring response, I want to clear up some things.

I apologize for mistyping, the car has insurance it is just not in my boyfriend’s name, and I agree that we won’t be having the car when we’re leaving so it isn’t worth a thought.

The situation with my mother has been a hard one to process these couple of days, but there is no going back for me and you’re absolutely right about my mental health and sacrificing that for my mom. I thought about what you said on this a lot today. I even went on a narcissistic parent subreddit and got a to-the-point response on how I should get out of there and care for myself first.

Yes, my brother is controlling and we take care of rent, and you writing that down upfront made me realize how that sounds, so thank you for that.

I am very grateful and thankful to say that my boyfriend talked to his dad today and he is willing to help us through this process of getting there and moving in. We both cried tears of joy, quite the day.

My only remaining issues are money and how we’ll pull off moving out without them knowing. My boyfriend though, is confident that we don’t have to worry about money and we’ll atleast have enough to help with gas and essentials of a couple of hours trip.

It is wishful thinking to leave in July, but we sure want to get things moving soon and done with.

When it comes to applications for my mother’s assistance, I recall her telling me how some people she knew were denied once or twice before getting it so I hope they commit to that and my mother can hopefully one day no longer depend on my brother.

Thank you so much for reaching out to me, it has helped me and my boyfriend process through this situation and help us gain a clearer perspective of the path we’re going through. I am so very thankful, @Wings . Thank you again

Here’s to hoping we figure out how we’ll go by moving out soon.