What does it matter?

what good is taking care of myself if I don’t want to be here? and not just here in this room… but just in general… I’m just living because other people want me to, but what good is it if I can’t even remotely function normally more than a few hours in a couple of weeks? sorry

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Miffy,

My heart goes out to you. I understand what it’s like to not want to exist. Waking up is a chore and taking care of yourself, even more so. In the depths of my own depression I foumd it so hard and exhausting just to get up and take a shower. I’ll admit it, I didnt shower but maybe once every two or three weeks. Not because I didnt want to, but because I had zero energy or motivation to do so. But I learned that when I did take those showers, for some reason, I felt so much better after. It’s okay that you cant function “normally”. Do not be sorry for what you are feeling and how you are dealing with it. You are still here and that’s all that matters. It’s okay to not be okay, and if you just want to lay in bed for days until you feel better, then go for it. You are loved.

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Hey @JustAnotherPerson, you’re loved. When we’re deeply struggling, when we can’t seem to find any value in ourselves, we’re likely to question our life and wonder why we’d keep trying. And if you don’t see yourself as worthy, then what’s the point, right?

It’s heartbreaking and exhausting to feel like you’re living only for others and not for yourself. I had hit the same wall a couple of years ago. I felt like the only thing that was keeping me alive was the idea that my disappearance would hurt the few people who loved me. I even started to feel some anger towards them, I was frustrated to be loved without being able to embrace it. I understand how it feels to be in this situation. And it makes sense. But your questions may be also misdirected.

what good is taking care of myself if I don’t want to be here?
but what good is it if I can’t even remotely function normally more than a few hours in a couple of weeks?

Sometimes, we’re not ready yet to see our own worth and treat ourselves with compassion. In these moments, it’s important to give yourself the time you need to feel differently. You don’t only fight for others or yourself. You also fight for the possibility to feel better, to have less and less breakdowns, and more and more opportunities to smile. Time is important here. And the love you receive from others is part of what you can hold on to when you feel like you can’t give yourself the time you need to heal.

I’m sorry you feel like you can’t function normally, like you had to hit the same wall again and again. I hate the fact that you’re struggling so often. But I also believe in you and your capacity to go through this. As Joe said, even if it implies not to do anything, it is part of taking care of yourself. You just adapt your strategy depending on how you feel at the moment, and that’s okay. Give yourself the time and grace you need, friend, without any judgment. I know it’s frustrating when we just want to feel better, when we want all of this pain to go away as soon as possible. It will go away. And you will keep being. You will grow stronger through all of this.

I see you. I know your heart. I care about you, friend. And it’s okay if you wonder why, right now. It’s okay if it doesn’t make sense, if your mind keep telling you some very strong lies about yourself. This fog will go away. And when it does, you’ll see that those who love you are still standing by your side.

Holding your hand. I believe in you.

it’s not though… because I still need to do stuff… I still need to do schoolwork, I still need to practice, I still need to be a teacher, I still need to be a good friend or a good family member…
but at the same time… I can’t… I don’t know how… where to start… what to do…
it’s always… okay first this and then that, and that and that… and I can’t start doing that before I did this… it’s so much… and it never gets done
sorry