What have i become?

Hey im here to ig talk about my feelings, idk how to do it honestly, not many times i have talked to ppl about my feelings but being anon about it makes me feel a little more safe sharing these thought and feelings.
(english is not my primary language but i have a good understanding of words so sorry for grammar fails and such)

Well ig these thoughts came up to me about 4-5 yrs ago, when i struck rock buttom for the first time, at first i tried ti ignore it but the feelings of regret, sadness and the urge to disconnect from everyone incl. my family became stronger and louder in my head, i woke up everyday wishing i hadnt woken up, i hid it away most of my life. That was until about 2 weeks ago where i got black out drunk and aparently broke down infront of my entire school, i personally dont remember anything from it at i was so drunk but i keep getting some hugs from closer friends and it feels nice, but i feel i dont deserve it, i know i need it but i dont deserve it. I know im all around the place and this is hard to read bcause there is no flow, but ig i just got to get it out, and i dont really care about readability, but anyways just before my breakdown, i had just gotten out of the mind space, some good things were happending for me and i felt complete and happy for the first time in sooo long, it was so nice, i had a girlfriend, then we broke up i got another then she said she wasnt ready for a relationship, after ghosting me for 2 weeks. then i got a 3rd and me being together with her ruined my reputation on my current school so that sucked but i felt that choosing the girl over reputation was a good choice for in my head a girlfriend was prob gonna be a life long investment if not then atleast about 2 yrs and the school is just untill summer next year so i saw that the girl took priority. That was a mistake as she broke up with me, ruining me and my reputation, made it real ugly too made sure that only like 15 out of my ENTIRE school liked me, that was when the depression hit again, i really hate self diagnosing but i feel more and more depressed for each day that come my way, i bagan SH about 2 ys ago and stopped when i got the first girlfriend then began again after the 3rd as i had nothing left, and it was a nice mental feeling to come out with some anger on myself. when i think back to me when i was a child i was the happiest little kid with the biggest ambitions known to man, but now i just me tired sad piece of human waste. The truth is that i dont expect to live for more then 4-5 yrs longer as by then i have a motorcycle and will be able to either kms, or escape everything i have and fake my own death. Its not as much dying i want its just to simply not exist i wish that i could just evaporate, dissapear from the face of the earth, i cry every single night thinking of waking up the naxt day, i hate myself and what i have become, i want to leave everyone i know, i want to die.
I will be honest with myself i didnt realise this was how i felt until i sat down to write it.
for any of you kindhearted enough to care about little me, then i am seeking pro help, i have reached out to a therapist, but its expensive and i dont want that burden either on my or my family, but i know its the only way to help myself, its the only way for me to get curage, confidence and trust that i wont hurt myself anymore,
im sorry i wasted your time by posting this but i felt like getting off my chest was what i needed, im not hopefull, but mby this is the start of something better, i have said that to myself every time i do something to help myself but i always end up back here, the onl depressed me.

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I don’t know what your circumstances are, but when it comes to feeling like a burden, getting therapy when you need it, rather than letting your emotional state decline, is less of a burden than the long-term consequences of depression. In other words, take care of yourself now before things get worse for you and those around you.

What have you become? You are a person who is going through challenges and changes. A person doesn’t just “become.” Instead, we’re always in the process of “becoming.” Some experiences are difficult, and through them, we gain wisdom, hence “becoming” a more evolved and intelligent person.

A “ruined” reputation tends to dissolve in about six months, especially when a person continues to have positive interactions with others. Keep in mind, being embarrassed doesn’t mean your reputation is ruined. Acknowledging the embarrassment by saying something like, “yeah, I really didn’t like how that turned out,” can actually gain the respect of others.

Reputation can be overrated. It’s far better to focus on having a decent friend or two, than to struggle with reputation. It’s strange, but quite often, the less you worry about being liked, the more people will like you.

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i hadnt seen it from that perspective(reputation wise) and i guess mby i was just blinded by my own self pity to actually see that it wasnt that bad, i mean im just back to where at my last school so i guess before long i will settle in the old way, thx for replying and well saying honest stuff, i feel like it actually might help, im not great at getting compliments so they usually just gets though one ear and out the other, but i appreciate you taking time out and actually giving wisdom/honesty about the subject, thx for this :slight_smile: i might update this post in about 1 month and see if anything has changed. Thanks

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Looking forward to the update! Thanks for the response!

hi H8myself,
thank you for posting and welcome to Heart Support, sharing your story and worries.
don’t worry about your reputation at your school, or failed relationships after a short time. i think on your
way becoming older, getting out of school, maturing you will learn that there are things that are more
important in your life. you always should remind yourself that what you think of yourself comes first.
don’t be bothered by other opinions, it’s hard and easier said then done.
treat others like you want to be treated, and you will see. the right people will recognise this.
to get out of depression, and feelings towards yourself, do the things in life that you enjoy and love, spend
time with your friends and family. let everything out whats on your mind, reach out whenever you need to.
if you can’t afford a therapist, maybe consider a self help group or other resources near you. there might
be something.
thanks a lot for posting here, you matter and you are worth of everything good in life. you matter.
Feel hugged and Greetings my Friend

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, Welcome to Heart Support and thank you for reaching out. I hope it helped you to write what was in your heart. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time right now. Know that we see you and care about you. I remember high school as being heavy on reputation and status. I know right now it seems pretty horrible and that you can’t go on, but you have so much more life to experience and so many more people in your life to meet. Believe it or not, but what happens in school won’t matter once it’s over and you are out in the world. I hope that you can see that your life is way more valuable than a girl who doesn’t see you. You matter. ~Mystrose

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello there, new friend! Welcome to HeartSupport :hrtlegolove:
I know that having this anonymity can be really helpful for opening up and sharing what is happening in your life. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your struggles with us.

School and the teenage years are such a difficult time. I remember struggling a lot. I was also in the middle of hiding my mental health problems while in school and I regretted doing so, so it is wonderful that you are reaching out and being open about it and seeking professional help. Keep with that, please, it will do you good. I truly believe that.

Writing things out or even saying them out loud to yourself can bring about so many things you didn’t think of before. I encourage you to keep writing and keep expressing yourself. Keep a journal, either written or audio/visual, and keep expressing yourself. Therapy is wonderful but sometimes you can be your own therapist a bit to just help you express yourself and look inward at what you are feeling. Self-reflection is such a powerful tool and can help you be more open in therapy as well.

School and the social pressures are frustrating and everything can feel so major but I promise you that once you leave school those things will disappear and seem less important unless you carry them with you and let them take hold in your memories. Take the lessons with you but not the pain and ridicule. Remember the good times and the laughter you’ve experienced. I wish you so much luck in finishing off school and finding your place in the adult world where you can find more accepting and mature people.

Thank you again for sharing with us and I hope that you continue to return and share more whenever you wish. We are always here and happy to listen to anything you have going on. Hold fast and remember that you matter :hrtlegolove:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Welcome to Heartsupport and Thank you so much for finding the strength to share all these thoughts and feelings that you have. You have been though a lot in recent times and I can see how that has taken its toll on you and I can understand how that can make you want to disconnect from people and spend time alone, it is something I too choose to do in moments like that. It is so very hard when you wake in the morning to a new day and nothing feels new about that day, you feel the same fears and sorrow that you felt when you went to sleep the night before. I am sorry this is happening, you do not deserve this. The break ups you have had are disappointing and upsetting but they are not who you are they are experiences in your life that make up moments, some happy and some sad, moments that make up grow and learn, moments that we carry forward to new experiences as we get older, of course these normally involve feelings which hurt and take time to recover from but we do recover each time and some take longer than others, that does not mean they are not valid, every feeling you have is valid but it is also perfectly normal. Finding a way to work through these thoughts and emotions is key and you are doing that. Talking of which the mention of doing something on you motorcycle is not the answer, having an accident on a motor cycle is more likey to leave you bed or wheelchair bound for the rest of your life not dead and that is no answer, you deserve a better life. That is what i want for you. that is what you need. Much Love Lisa. x

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