Hey im here to ig talk about my feelings, idk how to do it honestly, not many times i have talked to ppl about my feelings but being anon about it makes me feel a little more safe sharing these thought and feelings.
(english is not my primary language but i have a good understanding of words so sorry for grammar fails and such)
Well ig these thoughts came up to me about 4-5 yrs ago, when i struck rock buttom for the first time, at first i tried ti ignore it but the feelings of regret, sadness and the urge to disconnect from everyone incl. my family became stronger and louder in my head, i woke up everyday wishing i hadnt woken up, i hid it away most of my life. That was until about 2 weeks ago where i got black out drunk and aparently broke down infront of my entire school, i personally dont remember anything from it at i was so drunk but i keep getting some hugs from closer friends and it feels nice, but i feel i dont deserve it, i know i need it but i dont deserve it. I know im all around the place and this is hard to read bcause there is no flow, but ig i just got to get it out, and i dont really care about readability, but anyways just before my breakdown, i had just gotten out of the mind space, some good things were happending for me and i felt complete and happy for the first time in sooo long, it was so nice, i had a girlfriend, then we broke up i got another then she said she wasnt ready for a relationship, after ghosting me for 2 weeks. then i got a 3rd and me being together with her ruined my reputation on my current school so that sucked but i felt that choosing the girl over reputation was a good choice for in my head a girlfriend was prob gonna be a life long investment if not then atleast about 2 yrs and the school is just untill summer next year so i saw that the girl took priority. That was a mistake as she broke up with me, ruining me and my reputation, made it real ugly too made sure that only like 15 out of my ENTIRE school liked me, that was when the depression hit again, i really hate self diagnosing but i feel more and more depressed for each day that come my way, i bagan SH about 2 ys ago and stopped when i got the first girlfriend then began again after the 3rd as i had nothing left, and it was a nice mental feeling to come out with some anger on myself. when i think back to me when i was a child i was the happiest little kid with the biggest ambitions known to man, but now i just me tired sad piece of human waste. The truth is that i dont expect to live for more then 4-5 yrs longer as by then i have a motorcycle and will be able to either kms, or escape everything i have and fake my own death. Its not as much dying i want its just to simply not exist i wish that i could just evaporate, dissapear from the face of the earth, i cry every single night thinking of waking up the naxt day, i hate myself and what i have become, i want to leave everyone i know, i want to die.
I will be honest with myself i didnt realise this was how i felt until i sat down to write it.
for any of you kindhearted enough to care about little me, then i am seeking pro help, i have reached out to a therapist, but its expensive and i dont want that burden either on my or my family, but i know its the only way to help myself, its the only way for me to get curage, confidence and trust that i wont hurt myself anymore,
im sorry i wasted your time by posting this but i felt like getting off my chest was what i needed, im not hopefull, but mby this is the start of something better, i have said that to myself every time i do something to help myself but i always end up back here, the onl depressed me.