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What I wish

Trigger warning? This could possibly be triggering. I don’t really think it is, but I’ll put the trigger warning at the top of the post anyway. And to be honest, replies aren’t necessarily needed, but if you have one, it is welcome.

Brad Paisley sang a song a few years back called “Letter to Me.” I don’t know if he wrote it or not. I’m sure it would be easy enough to look up. I really like this song. The first words in the song are, “If I could write a letter to me and send it back in time to myself at seventeen…” It makes me think. What would I say to myself at that age? What did he say? He said quite a bit, some about heartbreak, but this is what really sticks out to me in the song. “And oh, you got so much going for you, going right; but I know at seventeen it’s hard to see past Friday night…”

I guess in some ways it’s true, but looking back, I have a hard time seeing what was going right. Forget looking past friday night. I had a hard time looking past the next five minutes, and to be completely honest, I still do.

If I could write a letter to me, what would I say? To be honest, I don’t really know how I would advise myself for the future. I know what I wish I would have done when I was younger.

I wish…

I wish I would have told my mom the first night he touched me, instead of never saying anything. I wish I wouldn’t have felt bad for him when he told me he would get kicked out and be homeless if I told anyone what he was doing to me. I wish I wouldn’t have had to spend the next two years living in the same house as him, when he finally moved out on his own. Maybe I might be somewhat normal now. I might be more open to new people. I might actually be ok with someone touching me instead of running the opposite way when someone tries to give me a hug.

I wish I would have stopped all contact with him as soon as he moved out, instead of waiting another 20 years. I wish he wouldn’t have brought it up everytime he saw me, and I wish he didn’t stand there and tell me it didn’t affect my life. I wish he wouldn’t have went around telling all of his friends what he did because, as he put it, “I was feeling bad about myself.” I feel like he took my story from me, making himself out to be the one who was wronged. I know that in the end, maybe that doesn’t matter so much because it’s still my story, and I’m the one who lived it, but it isn’t his story to tell. It’s mine.

I wish I would have quit school instead of putting up with the daily bullying. At this point in my life, I feel like I would have been better off without the education, and I feel like that’s saying something in a world where it’s hard to get a job when you don’t have a degree. If I would have quit school, I might at least have some respect for myself, and I might not tell myself everyday that I’m dumb and fat and useless and worthless and ugly… a few things among others. I might have figured out what to do with my life besides being a useless lump.

One thing I would tell myself is that getting that weight loss surgery was one of the best things I’d ever do for myself… And it would help me to realize that the reason I was always overweight is because I had PTSD from about the age of four, and the crap that happened to me when I was young changed my body, changed my metabolism and made me end up being fat.

But then… I wish I wouldn’t have gone to that so called “doctor.” The one who lied about everything he wrote in my files. I wish I wouldn’t have had my license taken from me for absolutely no reason. I wish I wouldn’t have had my body shocked so bad that I thought my brain was being torn apart in the moment that it happened. If I wouldn’t have went, maybe I would be able to leave the house without having a panic attack. I might be able to work, and bring in an income to help my mom with the bills, because the government sure as hell doesn’t want to help me. I might be able to walk to my doctor’s appointments without having a panic attack, and maybe the semi’s and dump trucks that drive past my house wouldn’t cause me to have a panic attack. I might not wake up in the middle of the night whenever someone hits the manhole out front, in a panic that there was an accident. The weight loss surgery might not have been a complete waste of time, money and energy, and maybe if I wouldn’t have gone to see him, I might not have gained every single pound back that I worked so hard to lose.

I still can’t see what’s going right, in the present. Life is… complicated… to say the least.

I wish… I wish so many things, but it’s pointless to wish them when you can’t move past yesterday. It’s pointless to wish that things were different because they happened and they are what they are. But I still wish them.

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Sounds like you have a lot going on. As much as I don’t know all about your current situation Im here for support and encourage you to keep going. No need to feel bad about your situation. I will pray for you

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thank you :slight_smile:

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Of course. If you need to talk more let me know.
-Trevor

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Hi @Daisy,

Thank you for sharing this. It’s really intimate and I’m glad you feel safe enough here to write it. :heart:

I’m sorry you’ve been through all of this. And I’ve got to say… It wasn’t your fault. You’re a warrior. And you’ve been through these years with the ressources you had at the moment. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here and you were brave enough to write this.

Thinking about your wishes (or maybe we can talk about regrets?) isn’t necessarily useless. Yes, you won’t change your past, but it can help you to acknowledge what you’ve been through and how that makes you feel, now, in a very honest way. On the other hand, it would be useless to drown yourself endlessly in this. It would only be harmful. And so… perhaps the second step of this personal exercise could be to write about your wishes for the future? To think about what you want for yourself in 10, 20 years? (I mean for yourself, I’m not pushing you do to this here :wink: ). Can help to put the past, present and future in perspective, all together. As you said, maybe the present is too complicated for the moment. But you have wishes, desires, feelings. It’s not pointless at all. It’s part of your inner strengths and what’s going to help you to keep going on, in a safer way for yourself.

Your feelings and your wishes matter. You matter. :heart:

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I wanted to reply earlier, but I find myself having less and less energy as the days pass by.

I don’t generally think about the things that happened when I was young- BUT they do affect me daily. Everything that happens to us when we are young teaches us something, gets ingrained in us, and so even though I don’t generally think about the bullying on a daily- or even monthly- basis, it affects how I think about myself. I agree I’m drowning at the moment, but I’m not so sure it’s reflecting back on things that happened and more about I’m caving in because of a mixture of how the things that happened affect me in the long term and my current circumstances and I have no way to change them. Medication isn’t helping and my current life… well, it’s a long story that I’m not even sure how to begin explaining. I can’t afford to see a therapist because of no income, and I know heart support has something with betterhelp for a week trial, but to be honest, a week wouldn’t be anywhere near long enough. I already signed up for betterhelp about two years ago, so I doubt I could get the free trial anyway.

I used to have dreams. I used to dream of finding love, and getting married, and having kids… among a bunch of others… and all of my dreams died as the years have marched on. I have a terrible memory because of the shock my body was given by losing my license so going back to school wouldn’t be an option, even if I didn’t panic when leaving the house. I’d never be able to pass a class. I don’t even know where to begin to even find a dream that might have a chance to come to fruition.

It’s hard to see myself as a warrior. Looking outwards, I know that’s what I would tell someone else who has gone through the same things but… I’m just me. No one special. There aren’t that many people that would notice if I was gone. It’s just the truth. I don’t see myself as a warrior.

The only reason all of this came up was because I was trying to describe some of the aspects that come with my type of PTSD, and then I shared that song in a server on discord, and because the PTSD stuff was so fresh in my mind… this post just happened.

Thanks for the replies. :slight_smile:

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I cannot begin to imagine the thing you have been through, but what I will say is that I am glad you confided in this site. We will all be here to support and cheer you on, I hope you understand that none of what happened is your fault. I wish you a well and happy life :slight_smile:

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