What if she thinks I'm using her?

Hey guys, me and my girlfriend (nad) have a very close relationship, but I’m scared that I’m using her without realising or even that she thinks I’m using her even tho I’m not.

What are ways to know if I’m using her? Cause I’ve heard of multiple ways that you can use her that sound fake to me but I just wanna make sure that I’m not using her


Hey there @Edreep,

These are some very important and valid questions. Would you be okay with sharing a little bit more of context? What do you mean precisely by “using her”? I’d like to be sure to understand what this is about, so we can do our best to share some thoughts and perspective with you. :hrtlegolove:


Hi, welcome to Heart Support!

As Micro says, more detail would be helpful.

When couples get close, they usually end up relying on each other for emotional support, and quite often other things as well, such as sharing housekeeping duties or expenses. If you feel that she is doing more for you than you are for her, let her know how you feel. I think she would appreciate knowing that this is something you care about. I think is pretty inevitable that two people in a close relationship end up “using” each other, but as long as they remain attentive to each other’s needs, and negotiate how they use each other, it’s not a problem. In fact, it can actually make the relationship stronger. It’s a way for two people to contribute what they are best at doing for the relationship.


Hello @Edreep

Appreciate your concern for your relationship and trying to make sure you are doing right by your partner. I don’t know the full context of your situation, but it is a good sign that you are aware of something that doesn’t feel right. I would suggest that you openly communicate with the partner and see how they feel.

I believe intent is key in this. If it is something that was happening innocently that later you discover is a problematic behavior you can choose to correct that behavior and make sure your partner knows it was an mistake.

And if it’s nothing, at least you opened the door to a conversation worth having with your partner.

Take care/Mish


From: twixremix (Discord)

hi edreep! welcome to the HS community! i agree with what wings wrote to you. relationships are a collaboration, an equivalent exchange where what you give is returned with what you get. would you be able to have a conversation with your girlfriend regarding these concerns and if there’s any way you can help her more in the relationship so you don’t feel like you’re using her? i’m looking forward to helping you more if you are comfortable with sharing any other details on specifics of how you might be “using” her. wishing you and nad all the best as you expand your relationship to be more honest, equal, and supportive! you got this, my friend! love, twix


From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi, Welcome to Heartsupport, its really nice to meet you and thank you for sharing your thoughts. I would like to try to put your mind at rest a little if I can. You have really answered your own question because you said yourself that you are not using your girlfriend so I don’t think that you really have to worry? I would be inclined to ask what has made you be so concerned about how and why you might or could be? If you are both happy then you have nothing to worry about, ask you Nad if she feels mistreated my you, then ask her to tell you if ever she feels mistreated by you then you can move on, stop worrying and start enjoying your relationship once again. Go and have some fun together. Life is short. Make happy memories. much Love Lisa


From: eloquentpetrichor (Discord)

Hello, Edreep! Welcome to the community! Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you have a special relationship with your girlfriend and that you truly care about her and making the relationship work. That is great. Without specific information I cannot really weigh in on how you might be worried you are using her but I know that all relationships rely on open communication. If you are worried that something may be bothering her about something you do or don’t do I suggest talking to her about it. I’m glad you two have a close relationship and I hope that can help you be open with her about it. Can I ask what sounds fake about ways you’ve heard of people using each other? What things have you heard and why do they sound fake? I hope you find support here now and in the future. We’re here for you whenever you need a hand or hug. Good luck :hrtlegolove:


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