What makes People happy what keeps them going I’m 21 and i haven’t figured any of this crud out… but first a too long didn’t read back story dictating my whole life. (sorry for the inconvenience kinda required for context)
so from the top the first mistake of my life being born my mum was raped by my dad in order to make me only figured this out last year (basically it was mum left dad before i was born so they were on the rocks for a while my dad being an abusive druggie arsehole so in order for me to be conceived my dad would have either A: cleaned up his act and stopped being a cunt rash for a few weeks or B: he raped my mum) the doctors gave my mum the option to abort me because i wasn’t that healthy a person even as a fetus then i was born 2 months early the doctors pumped me with steroids because one of my lungs weren’t developing properly then 14hrs later i stopped breathing the doctor brought me back (his mistake…) the doctors said I’d be lucky if i made it a year (course i made it longer than that “luckily”) then came my mums break down and me having to live with my dad for 4 years where i kinda didn’t really get toilet training as i had encoperisis (basically IBS for kids i get constipated, it hurts to shit when i want to, i don’t shit until my body wants to usually in my pants this went on till i was 12) my dad considered slamming me against the walls and doors proper punishment along with rubbing my face in my own shit this went on till my mum got me back of course being the broken woman she was, she wasn’t the best at being a mum (kinda glad i live in Australia i likely would of starved if it wasn’t for centerlink) she never got a job, barely cleaned up the house the quality got worse and worse with the years and she rarely bought us new school stuff (uniforms, books,bags) until the labour goverment put in the family bonuses. then there was primary school for 7 years i had basically no friends and the whole school hated me hell my own sister hated me because she took some of the flak from it, i made two friends in that time but they didn’t chill with me that much so people who didn’t hate me seens more appropriate. At age 11 my mum lost a court case that led to me being put in foster care funny thing was my encoperisis nearly saved me no one wants to take in an 11 year old who shits himself but one family was kinda forced to they were harsh and i think they hated me they played around and joked about how dumb i was (except i was one of the smartest kids in school having no friend’s and being bullied by everyone made the library a very safe place i spent most of my time reading non-fiction because fiction never clicked with me, i guess now should be the time to say i have autism spectrum disorder/Asperger’s syndrome ) i reported them to Child Services and they got in trouble they took it out on me basically then i was transferred to the town i live in now and started high school there i had fixed my encoperisis but autism is still funny to laugh at when you get someone riled up apparently and i went back to being the social outcast i was in primary school then i transferred only for it to happen again during this time i went from carers where my foster dad threatened to ram is fist so far down my throat I’d wish i was never born to my aunty who is a nice woman to a nice couple who felt like the mum and dad i wanted except they were temp carers (during this time i had a nice week long stay in a mental hospital) then i got transferred to a group of old protestant nut jobs the only experience i got out of that was a 2 week trip to japan (one of my few nice experiences) and they could not stand i didn’t want to go to church with them so they decided if i was going to be a heathen animal they’ll treat me like one until i was kicked out and sent to my aunties again then her lesbian friend wanted to take me in so i went along with it until we were at each others throats over what i was and wasn’t allowed to do (me being a 16 yr old rebel at the time) then i got transferred to my final foster care stop a refuge which was out of all of my places was my favorite they didn’t care i spent my life in my room because i hated the world and my life i went on to college (yr 11 and 12 in this country) and was there for a semester then i was pulled out by my caseworker as i wasn’t applying myself enough he sent me to a tech college to do a certification in IT but it was too complex and i lost focus so because i couldn’t get a job and couldn’t study i was sent to live with my mum which was hell no jobs i had to deal with my mums headache of a boyfriend and it felt fucked so i asked a college buddy of mine if i could stay with him he said yes he kicked me out 3 years later because i wasn’t respecting his privacy (i agree with his assessment though i was being a super big asshole at the time) however while i was there i tried weed for the first time and for the first time in a long time i felt happy and calm and content life felt manageable until the high ended and sister anxiety came back swinging with full force anyway after i was kicked out i moved to an extended stay hotel after a few nights going between hotels that the goverment paid for and sleeping on my aunts couch, and I’m still at that extended stay hotel to this day I’ve made some friends through it but after all of these years of fake friends and manipulators i find it impossible to trust them no matter how much i do which makes me feel like shit, then there’s where i live i hate it there a roaches,mice and the place is old and dilapidated, added to the fact i can’t get an actual private rental in a proper apartment and i can’t get a job i couldnt even last 4 months at McDonald’s i hated it and quit and I’ve recently realized the Certificate I’m doing in mental health is useless i feel like absolute shit I’ve done everything i can to improve my life but it’s either too expensive or not possible in Australia, so I’m basically at the point that I’ve given up I’m starving most days so i eat on those days but today i don’t feel that hungry even though i havent eaten, i know I should be looking for a job but i can’t find the effort, i know i could get out of this hole of a building if i just work but i can’t do this anymore a good half of me wants to commit suicide the other half doesn’t mostly because a small part of me holds out the hope that I’ll meet some special lady and find some magical way out of this hole but then theres the rest of me that knows my history with women and knows i suck at it most of my relationships 3 in total if your wondering ended because i was too clingy or because they weren’t comfortable with me then don’t even get me started on friend zoning i feel like if i don’t kill myself I’m going to become some fat incel troll that hates life but even then i don’t think i even have the effort to care that much about me or whether or not I’ve had sex. So i ask what motivates people i can’t figure it out every new morning feels like shit every day is almost torture if i haven’t been smoking weed and i don’t want to end up some dependent addict but i can’t stand being alive as i have nothing really to live for.