i don’t know what i should do.
i’ve never considered myself to be a depressive person, but recently, i’ve been hating myself more and more. i feel like a disappointment to my parents. they paid good money to enroll me into summer classes to get me ahead, and i can’t even keep up with it. my dad really wants me to finish it soon so i can get my credits, and he keeps asking me how long it will take for me to complete it, and i keep lying to him because i don’t want him to know i’m stuck a third of the way there. they got my sister into the same class when she was my age, and she finished in a week. it’s been two months since i’ve enrolled. i feel so stupid. why can’t i be more like her?
my dad confronted me about it last night, just to tell me that he lost faith in me. he was super upset, shouting and telling me of how much i tired him. when i went to my room to cry, i couldn’t stop. my breathing got really quick and my face was numb and tingly all over. i kept saying the word ‘worthless’ over and over. my dad’s expectations mean everything to me, but now i’ve really convinced him that i’m a waste of effort. crying never hurt that badly before.
and yet, i don’t know what to think. maybe i’m just being too sensitive/dramatic. i’m a young teen, so this won’t be the worst thing to happen. my mom wants me to apologize to him, but all i want to do is cry. i should get up and complete my lessons with determination. but when i try to tell my body to get up and sit at my computer, i just never move. i think i’m just lazy. and i hate it.
reading over this now, i think i sound like a whiny child. i really don’t know what to do or think of myself. i don’t know how to deal with my situation. but i guess writing it out made me feel better.