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What the hell am I doing

I might have made a big mistake.

During my battle with addiction, control has always been a big topic for me.
The struggle of having and losing control.
The tug of war between wanting to be in control and lying and saying that I’m in control.

When I started my journey of recover and in the first weeks and months of it, I carried pills and blades with me to prove to myself that I don’t need it.

The pills I threw out not long after I got used to not taking them and when I started to accept my recovery and that I don’t need to get high.

With the blades it was more difficult.
I always needed to have one on me, or I’d go crazy.
For me it was like, I need to have the option to consciously choose not to use it.
Most people didn’t understand.
Whenever I didn’t have a blade with me, I was constantly looking for something I could use, if I really “had to hurt myself”, but whenever I had a knife with me, I was more relaxed and not too focused on it.

The only addiction I didn’t go after with this irrational concept, was my drinking problem. I knew that I cannot, under no circumstances, have alcohol with me, or I’ll drink.
Almost 3,5 years down the road, I can manage to be around people who drink or full bottles (in my culture very useful).
I have bought bottles here and there when I was close to relapse, but I never drank them and asked friends to take them away from me instead.

Until today.

Today I was grocery shopping and at check out the tiny innocent bottles of all kinds of alcoholic beverages smiled at me and spoke to me. They said that I won’t drink them anyways and that they do no harm when staying closed.
So I bought one.
It’s staring at me and it keep whispering to me.
It’s constantly in the back of my mind.

I know I should get rid off it, but I feel like I have to prove to myself once again that I can withstand the temptation.

In theory, that’s true.

But here comes my problem:
I’ve been very unstable lately and highly emotional.
Suicidal ideations kept me awake at night and it’s all been extremely difficult to be a functioning human being.

I might have made a mistake here.
But I’m not sure how to convince myself that I need to get rid off the bottle.

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Hey there,

Thank you for being here and sharing this with us. What a hard battle you’ve been fighting. Seeking recovery takes an incredible amount of strength and courage and you did that! Although recovery is not linear, you have had the strength and commitment to continue to recover.

Addiction and control or a feeling of the loss of it tend to go hand in had. So having felt out of control for so long, wanting to prove to yourself that you are in fact in control now is understandable. On the one hand you want to leave it behind but on the other hand you want to keep part of it around just as a reminder to yourself that you can resist. Based on what you’ve said here, your willpower to stay committed to recovery is extremely evident. So although those little bottles called out to you, know that you are much stronger.

I can appreciate wanting to reassure yourself that you are in control, but because you have been experiencing difficulty functioning and feeling unstable, your safety is what is most important. I would encourage you to remember that you are in control. You truly are. The progress you’ve made thus far is evidence of that. You made the decision to seek recovery. You got rid of the pills you used to carry around and even now you are aware that having that bottle around is not healthy for you. Recognizing that does not mean you are not in control. In fact it says quite the opposite! It says you know yourself and what could be potential triggers for you. That is healthy and that shows just how much strength and courage you have. Maybe even the act of throwing that bottle out could prove to be a greater sign to yourself of how much control and strength you have than keeping it around. To have bought that bottle, then recognized it was not healthy to have and then to get rid of it all on your own volition could be a healthier way to prove that to yourself.

I am so glad you reached out here. You do not need to shoulder this alone. We are here and hope to support you as best we can.

Hold fast, we believe in you.

Hannah Rhodes

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Hey @fiji,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I can imagine that it wasn’t easy to open up about what’s going on, but that’s such a huge step. We’re freaking proud of you here, and I hope you’ll allow yourself to be proud as well.

What if “being in control” has just a different definition than your first idea? What if, instead of the idea that being in control = being able to live next to alcohol in any circumstance, it was = being able to make the healthiest decision based on the circumstances?

As you said, you’re going through a rough time lately, and those changes in your life, with your mood as well, have to be considered. Being in control can be a very flexible system without affecting your main goal, which is to not drink/not relapse. Maybe sometimes it will manifest by being able to be next to a bottle without drinking, because you’ll feel okay and confident already. But maybe some other times your capacity to be in control will manifest through taking the alcohol away from you, because there would be other factors in your life that are increasing your vulnerability. It’s still a way to say a big “no” to what makes you vulnerable, still a very strong way to empower yourself.

To get rid of this bottle won’t make you weak and it won’t be an admission of failure. It’s the absolute opposite! It’s a way to say: I know myself, I understand the circumstances that I’m going through right now, I understand how I feel, and based on that I can make a very healthy decision for myself; I can still prioritize my well-being.

You can do this, friend. You can get rid of it. I believe in you.

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Hey @fiji . @taylorpalmby sang a song for you on our live stream!

Hold Fast

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You need to prove to yourself that you can trow it away now. Put it in the trash, take the trash out, watch it get taken forever away by the grabage man. Don’t open it.

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