I might have made a big mistake.
During my battle with addiction, control has always been a big topic for me.
The struggle of having and losing control.
The tug of war between wanting to be in control and lying and saying that I’m in control.
When I started my journey of recover and in the first weeks and months of it, I carried pills and blades with me to prove to myself that I don’t need it.
The pills I threw out not long after I got used to not taking them and when I started to accept my recovery and that I don’t need to get high.
With the blades it was more difficult.
I always needed to have one on me, or I’d go crazy.
For me it was like, I need to have the option to consciously choose not to use it.
Most people didn’t understand.
Whenever I didn’t have a blade with me, I was constantly looking for something I could use, if I really “had to hurt myself”, but whenever I had a knife with me, I was more relaxed and not too focused on it.
The only addiction I didn’t go after with this irrational concept, was my drinking problem. I knew that I cannot, under no circumstances, have alcohol with me, or I’ll drink.
Almost 3,5 years down the road, I can manage to be around people who drink or full bottles (in my culture very useful).
I have bought bottles here and there when I was close to relapse, but I never drank them and asked friends to take them away from me instead.
Today I was grocery shopping and at check out the tiny innocent bottles of all kinds of alcoholic beverages smiled at me and spoke to me. They said that I won’t drink them anyways and that they do no harm when staying closed.
So I bought one.
It’s staring at me and it keep whispering to me.
It’s constantly in the back of my mind.
I know I should get rid off it, but I feel like I have to prove to myself once again that I can withstand the temptation.
In theory, that’s true.
But here comes my problem:
I’ve been very unstable lately and highly emotional.
Suicidal ideations kept me awake at night and it’s all been extremely difficult to be a functioning human being.
I might have made a mistake here.
But I’m not sure how to convince myself that I need to get rid off the bottle.