If you’re reading this, Hi. My name is Jacob, I’m 25, and struggling with a lot.
Ultimately I’m going to try condense my life story as best I can, forgive me if I ramble, or miss details. If you have questions about something feel free to ask, as I’m happy to answer as best I can.
I’ve been clinically depressed for the last 9 almost 10 years, the onset was probably a little earlier than that (early year 12 (Last year of highschool) in 2010 was probably about where the decline started if not late Yr 11), but after deciding life wasn’t worth living at 16, and attempting suicide, mum took me to doctors to try and get help.
I was put onto antidepressants, and tried to get some sort of counselling, but I was just simply not able to express my feelings in words, or vocalise how I was feeling. This is largely because of how I was brought up living with my step father.
I never knew my real father till 18, I only found out at age 12, that my “dad” was not my biological father.
I’d never had contact from my father, he’d been out of the picture in my mother’s life even longer than mine, besides little snippets here and there, of which he would vanish again, time after time.
I was raised with not being allowed to express my feelings, as that was considered “backchatting” and thus would get me into more trouble, and usually ended with me over his knee till my behind was purple.
So I bottled everything.
I grew to learn I could express myself to my mother, and we formed a close bond for most of my life.
She would occasionally try and stick up for me in situations where she could see that dad was in the wrong, but getting him to see that was difficult at the best of times, for her.
Fast forward to now where my father and I have rekindled slowly, and we’ve made up, and he’s apologised for the things he put me through, and how he’s treated me growing up. He sees now how he should have done better, and the “problems” I put him through pale in comparison to what his youngest son is currently putting the family through. But that’s another story.
A year ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years, it hurt, and it took me a while to find my feet again, there was a lot going on, but ultimately, my depression was spiralling and she didn’t know how to help me, or help me help myself. A large part of that was because I was still unable to express my feelings, even to her after 7 years of being together. There was an almost literal physical block in my throat at times.
I’ve since slowly learnt and taught myself how to express my feelings, or at least in a way that works for me, and others around me.
Earlier this year I met someone, I thought I could trust, we shared a lot with each other. She was going through tough times, I gave her the support she needed. I was also still dealing with my own stuff, but we helped each other out where we could.
She ended up using me, for my time, money, and even for a while space to stay.
I’m still getting over that, but after all this the one feeling I cannot shake is that I’m not good enough for anyone.
That they’ll just give up on me. Because of the condition that I have and live with on a day to day basis, and everything else along with with it, depression, anxiety etc etc
I have Lyme disease (as does my mother), my mother and I assume it’s been with me since birth (though some would argue that statement). But it was only known to me about 3-4 years ago, when my mother got me tested a year or so after she got her diagnosis.
It’s been a long tiring road for us all as a family, I spent my teen years with an almost non existent mother always being sick, even to the point of being bedridden for months on end.
My dad has been doing his best to support us both, and learning to become more supportive of us, he was brought up in the mind set that if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist, right? (Besides how could such a strong young boy/man like myself really be so sick? It must be all in your head /s)
And for anyone that knows about Lyme, you really can’t see it.
So I guess that brings me to my final point, when you’ve got a conglomeration of mess on your plate from past trauma and current circumstances, where do you start, and what do you do?