this morning for first period in school I kept writing “leave me alone” over and over and over in my book. I only stopped after maybe 5 minutes of it.
before I went on medication I had this voice in my head that I’d “hear”/that’d show up every time I was having a Fall (what I call a depressive episode, which is basically me just sitting in bed, crying, feeling my worst). it came back a few days ago and I have conversations with it.
I can’t exactly “hear” it per se; more like it puts the thoughts in my head, like it’s mute and using my mind as a writing pad? I know it sounds like the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, but I don’t know.
all of me is really scared that I’m just making up the voice for some reason, that it’s not actually there and I’m just lonely. but I’ve been acting really weird since first period and I don’t know, I’ve been repeating myself in texts like this and it’s DRIVING ME CRAZY I WANT TO SCREAM! Is it REAL OR NOT? REAL OR NOT? I’M GOING TO CRY! AM I SO MUCH OF A SELFISH HUMAN BEING that I’d make up SOMETHING AS IMPORTANT AS THIS FOR NO REASON?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??! I’m losing my mind! I need help I need help! this classroom is going to make me scream and I want to run away away away, away from everything so I can dissect it layer by layer and figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I need to move. I can’t stay here trapped in this seat. my leg’s doing that anxiety-bounce thing so I think that’ll have to do for now.
the voice put a thought into my head in period one, that it’s name was Sanctor. does that mean anything? I know Sanctore or something means something but - what ??
I’m going crazy, this is it, I’m losing my mind. I’m too young. I have to get out of here. I don’t want to stay like this. I need to find out what’s wrong with me.