What's the point anymore?

HeartSupport Support
,
1

For years I’ve struggled with chronic depression and anxiety. I’m a nervous wreck 99.99% of the time and I’m constantly consumed with the thought of suicide. It’s been this way as long as I can remember.

My life isn’t perfect, but it’s looking up, according to others. My boyfriend/highschool sweetheart of almost 3 years and I are engaged, I’m moving halfway across the country in August, I for once in my life am taking charge of my decisions, and yet I feel depressed and suicidal every day.

Day after day it’s hard to get out of bed to go to my classes and when I do, I’m late, then throughout the day, I’m plagued by a lack of motivation which has lead to my dropping GPA.
To top it all off, I’m nervous and anxious constantly because I’m surrounded by people.

This fear and anxiety of being around people came to a very vivid point today when I hung out with a friend of mine who I hadn’t spent time with since November. I realized that this was the first person, who wasn’t family or my partner, I’d spent time with one on one since early December. Then the whole time we spent together consisted of my venting about life and her abruptly leaving, also marked with long periods of awkward silence.

When I got home and skyped my partner, whose 3 hours ahead of me, it was time for him to go to bed and I felt like such a burden because I spent 45 minutes breaking down and having a panic attack.

I feel like I’m in this endless cycle. I’m so tired of feeling shitty every day and having the constant feeling of wanting to die.

I have no friends anymore, I feel like a burden to my partner, my home life is fucked up, and I don’t see much of a future for me. What the hell’s the point anymore?

3 Likes
2

From: dyllonkg

Hey friend. There is a lot here - but first and foremost, thank you for posting and opening up your heart to us. That takes an incredible strength

3 Likes
3

From: dyllonkg

I constantly battle feeling like a burden. But the thing I have come to change is to start giving those around me more credit. They are adults who make grown-up choices to allow me in their life. It isnt on me to second guess their choices

3 Likes
4

From: rydergrovest

An important thing to understand is that almost everyone has felt what you have so its normal. So in reality, They are too busy to think about themselves to care about those small things you feel anxious when even thinking of doing. You dont have a spotlight on you.

3 Likes
5

From: kayla1508

I know what you mean by taking control of your own decisions but still feeling trapped and suicidal. I feel that way right now too. Lean on your other half… Communicate with him. Communication with the people that love me is the thing that’s kept me going. Hold fast <3

3 Likes
6

From: tromboness

I definitely remember some of those feelings that make it hard to get out of bed from when I was in grad school. I was only able to finish by having something scheduled on campus every weekday morning. You are not a burden, and the people in your life that love you want to help in the best ways they can. Hold Fast!

3 Likes
7

Video Response:

Also… I made this for you. I hope it reminds you that you matter and that someone cares:

Ghost
Ghost.jpg2372×1003 1.52 MB

6 Likes
8

HOLY HECK WHAT?? that is absolutely the dopest thing I have ever seen, thank you so much!!

as of rn, it is officially my forever desktop background and reminder that I am never alone. also, tysm for the advice and the support, it meant a lot.
have a great day and thank you again for taking the time out of your day to support another person.

stay safe and much love!

2 Likes
10

Sorry for the late response, but it is crazy how a set schedule can really structure your mental health. Proud of you all for staying strong! To those feeling the same way, just know that these moments will, and are going to, pass. Waiting is such a tedious game, but sometimes it’s one we have to play.
Your advice has given me a new light and perspective.
Tysm for the sweet words and advice, stay safe, hold fast, and much love!

2 Likes
11

You wrote:
I have no friends anymore, I feel like a burden to my partner, my home life is fucked up, and I don’t see much of a future for me. What the hell’s the point anymore?

Just know that your feelings right now are not a good guide to reality. What YOU can see and feel is not all there is. Depression narrows and distorts our vision. It’s like if you were taking a multiple choice question on a test and all you could see was choice A and choice D you could tie yourself up in knots trying to decide between the two but the best answer is B and your brain is so impaired you didn’t even know that was there!

Not your fault. Science proves our brains just don’t work right under depression. You have to fly on instruments and not what you see out the window. Find someone you trust and listen to what they say not what you see

2 Likes
12

Wow. A full year since this post, since all of the responses, since I’ve been in this community.

I wish that I could come on here and say that a year did a world of difference for me, but I can’t. In a way it did. It has helped shape me into the person I am currently, however it is not entirely in positive ways.

This past pandemic year has made me bitter and more resentful than I would like to say. There was a culture of people who felt as though quarantine-ing would mold them to be healthier, happier, etc. Personally it robbed me of moments I felt would be stupendous, moments I’d fought for my entire life.

I never thought I would be alive to see sixteen, let alone eighteen. As the same for my graduation from high school or moving out for the first time.

All of those moments, I spent in quarantine. My birthday fell practically on the day CA closed its borders, and it all felt so trapping. In retrospect I realize I made decisions, then, that were immature and un-smart. Like moving across the country at the start of the pandemic and then flying back a couple of months later for my graduation.

Spending my first actual year of adulthood in fear and anger, feelings I try to not let eat me alive.

So much has happened in the gray areas in between, too much for writing or speech, just enough though to let leak through.

As I’m trying to stand on my own two feet, with the help of my partner and my best friend, I realize just how hard it is to survive.

Survival within itself is funny to me because that’s how I spent my childhood, my growing up. This older survival is more primal in theory.

For example, I’ve been struggling to get back to work because just that thought alone makes me suicidal. I’ve been trying to prioritize my mental health and circle back to my projects and passions. To survive, however, is tough because my state has denied me unemployment despite all of my mental health issues. This leads to me not being able to get any sort of health insurance due to my lack of funds. I’m constantly running in circles and chasing my tail. ‘What’s the point anymore?’

It’s a question I’m asking myself everyday.

To be honest, I don’t know.

My reasons vary day to day.

Some days it’s because I want to see my partner on the other side of the aisle or because I want to see my projects thrive, or some days it’s just sheer willpower.

Maybe in a year from now I’ll look back on these two posts and laugh, or reminisce.

Cheers to all the people that responded or helped me through last year, I hope you all found some form of joy in your life.

signed, ghost

2 Likes
13

Dear Ghost
There’s a Christian saying that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope that doesn’t disappoint because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.

I used to say that character is overrated because I got stuck there and didn’t experience hope!! I have bipolar disorder and the depressions are severe. I didn’t want character— I wanted the depression to go away for good!! I thought character was the booby prize.

Well I’m still dealing with depression and bipolar but my children think I’m an amazing person even though I haven’t accomplished a lot in worldly standards. I have good good friends (finally after years of having no real friends at all). Lots of people with no mental problems have a lot less than I do. And the older I get, the more I like myself and the more loving and kind I am. That isn’t always the case. Some people get nasty and unlikeable and angry and self centered as they age.

Character matters. Every time you make a good choice despite what you’re going through builds a person you are content to be and that others value and want to be around. I really didn’t know that when I was younger. And probably if I did I would have said fine but I’m hurting now and I might’ve said I don’t want to live that long to see if it’s true.

When I’m depressed I have trouble seeing purpose or meaning or reason to keep going. God seems far away and not interested in my pain. I have children so that’s some reason to go on, but frankly there were depressions so bad that it was extremely hard to stay alive for them. I’m glad now that I did but at the time the pain was sometimes greater than they were.

No matter what you’ve faced and no matter how pointless going on seemed at the time you consistently made the choice for life. You have endured. You have added to your character. That’s really more of an accomplishment than most people can understand.

Though it doesn’t always seem like it underneath it all hope is growing in your heart. Maybe not your head. Maybe not in eyes that see purpose or reasons. But hope is taking root in your heart. And it’s our hearts that keep us alive and getting up when life flattens us.

Though you can’t always see it, have faith that your life matters. Stay alive long enough to get the perspective you need to see that’s true. Ask God to show you the meaning and purpose of your life. If you do that you will find meaning and purpose that you don’t have to conjure up or invent. It will be solid.

Congratulations on making it this far!!!