What's Worng With Me?

Have you ever just woken up one of the happiest people, then the first thing that someone says to you is the worst thing that anyone could possibly say?

I’ve been struggling with depression for about 5 years now, so when I woke up really happy, it was a big deal for me. I felt like I was on cloud 9 at the moment. I remembered stuff I usually forget, and I even tried to eat in the morning. Granted, I couldn’t, but at least I tried. I was actually happy for once. I didn’t hear any voices in my head and I didn’t see anything that wasn’t there. I was having a great time. I couldn’t explain it, I was happy. Now, for the 1st period, I have gym class. I had a really rough night last night, and I ended up opening the skin on my thigh. I didn’t worry too much about it and just changed in the shower stall. What I didn’t know was that I had reopened one. I cleaned it up, no biggy. I was still happy. I had gotten out to the gym floor, and all the hot/popular girls are staring at me. I had made the mistake of saying that the main girl was hot. As someone of the female sex, I been have deemed a “pervert” for it. I have no friends in my gym class, I can barely keep the few I have. The main girl walks up to me. She towers over me, as I’m only 4’11" and she’s about 5’4"/5’6". I smile and say and walk away. She tugged on my hair and started to make advances you would on a significant other. I was so confused. I let her do it. I didn’t want her to, but she did. I never said no. I never said yes. She didn’t rape me, but she did touch me in awkward spots and scratched open a cut. I don’t want to report it because I never said no, but I feel unsafe now. Things went downhill from there on out. I kept getting picked on all day. I lost control at lunch today, I almost broke down in tears. I have one rule, and it’s not to break down in front of others. I almost did. I tried to eat again, well, was forced, and I couldn’t. I felt sick taking 2 toddler-sized bites of a tater tot. I can’t eat, and now there is a girl that has my mind in pieces. I don’t even know how to tell my girlfriend about what happened today. She was forced to go to a Catholic school by her parents. I don’t know what to do, and I feel so dirty for letting it happen. What’s wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? What do I have to do to make it stop? What the heck is wrong with me?

sorry for it being so long…

You really need to come forward and talk to a teacher or counselor about what happened. Her assaulting you is NOT okay. It really sounds like you need a break from everything right now and need to talk to someone about everything going on. We are here for you but there is something therapeutic about talking to someone in person and just having them listen.

We really care about you, you are so strong and you are doing so well. Just take the little victories. We love you here :heart:

Hi friend,
I’m so sorry that this happened. No one deserves this to happen. You are a human being, you are loved, Immensely. Please try and reach out to a teacher or counselor, what she did isn’t okay. If it made you feel unsafe and uncomfortable, that’s how you know somethings not right. You didn’t deserve this, but you can help yourself by reaching out and talking to someone. Yes it may not feel good at first, but i promise it’s worth it. I know this must be hard, but i’ll be praying for you friend.
You’ll be okay, everything thing will be alright. Praying for you <3

What’s really interesting is that this is something that someone else forced on you, and you’re wondering what’s wrong with you. Which, knowing part of your story about your home life and the way your mom treats you, it makes sense, right, your mom taught you to blame yourself for all of HER problems…but sweet friend, this isn’t your problem to take blame for. That girl launched herself uninvited and without permission onto you sexually, and then orchestrated or influence or at least didn’t stop all of her friends from making fun of you and harassing you. Really really really really really sucks. I think you’re asking the wrong question – what’s wrong with THEM? what’s wrong with HER? gosh, dude…I don’t blame you for this. I don’t think you should either :\

I understand I wake up happy then get a wave of hate and it destroys me but my messages are open always

Hey friend,
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you, you should not blame yourself for her forcing herself upon you. She is the one at fault. Silence is not consent, and that is something she should’ve asked before she came into you. I really suggest you tell someone, anyone about this incident she should not be allowed to get away with this, no one should. She needs to be dealt with, what if this person does this to someone else because they got away with it the first time. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, you are so strong and brave for opening up.

Hold fast friend,
Luna :heart: