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When distraction just doesn’t help

There is this pain that is deep inside my heart, and I cannot let go of it.
I feel alone and lost and I do not know for how much longer I can keep up the facade. I feel like I am close to breaking down and breaking apart.
Eventually, I will explode and burst into a thousand pieces of pure frustration and pain.

These thoughts keep me on my toes, I cannot just have a second to relax or refocus, I have to be in control at all times and I have to be careful, always. Or else I will give in and give up.
Already I have been too close to putting my thoughts in action, and I hate this so much. I feel ashamed.

I know I cannot keep this inside, but I do not know who to burden with this.

I see myself doing horrible things when I close my eyes, so I do not want to sleep, because then it gets worse…but I am so tired; tired of feeling this way, tired of dealing with all of this, tired of having to act fine, tired of putting up a mask, tired of doing and doing and doing in order to stay busy and distracted so that I do not have enough time to overthink, tired of being me, and tired of life itself.

I am going to sleep now, and no one knows what will happen after I close my eyes… wish me luck my friends.

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Hey, Fiji.

Sweet friend. I’m glad that you feel the wall is a safe place to keep coming back to and that you’re able to use it as an outlet. I think it’s really good to reach out when you’re hurting and you have continued to do that. That counts as something, you know? You’re making small strides to help yourself come through these tough times.

I can relate a lot to these feelings. That deep pain inside our heart. A pain that sometimes feel so deep that it feels almost impossible that someone else could understand or see it. The ache that grows due to the weight of loneliness and the frustration of not knowing how to explain and show it to others. I think that’s one of my biggest frustrations in life. My inability to know how to talk about what I’m feeling to people. To deliver it so that they understand.

I think sometimes the need to be in control all of the time can really tug at us and slow us down. It’s okay to not be all of the time, you know?

Friend. You don’t have to feel ashamed for your thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to feel ashamed for that pain. And you don’t have to feel ashamed for the dark place it puts you in. Especially here. It’s good to talk about it. The first step of healing is admitting, facing, accepting and/or realizing where the struggle is. You’re hurting and that’s okay. You’re allowed to hurt. The next step is to reach out, which you’ve done. It may not seem like much, but it is.

The next step is to maybe find ways that could help you, even if just a little bit, to come through that. Which is not always easy. You coming here again and again seems to help a little? Do you ever talk to maybe a therapist about it? Or your doctor? To see if maybe you can talk about it more on a regular basis with someone who can offer you some guidance and healthy methods for healing? Or maybe to someone who can help with maybe some medication that can help you feel more balanced?

I used to be so afraid of that step. And it really helped me a lot. It took a while to find the right therapist, doctor and medications but when I finally did find the right one I found myself feeling so much better.

Fiji, have you ever worked through Dwarf Planet by Ben Sledge? It’s one of many books in Heart Support. It’s the book that talks about and is a practical guide for depression. I’ve been working through it myself. It’s really helped give me a space to self reflect. And I am challenging myself to work through it. If you were to decide to go through that and you wanted just a casual buddy to talk to about it, I’m willing to talk with you. I’m no professional or expert but I could share my experience with it. I have someone working through it with me and it’s always nice having a friend. Let me know okay?

Friend, I hope that you are able to find some rest. I know you are hurting but you don’t have to keep fighting this alone. We’re strangers but I care. And I hope that you will be able to find strength and courage to keep fighting, to keep hanging on. Because you are worth fighting for. I’m sending you a lot of love right now.

Here’s a link if you don’t already have it for the previously mentioned resources: https://heartsupport.com/resources/

  • Kitty
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It seems like you feel your walking on eggshells. Im sure many of us can relate to that especially in this forum community.
Please do not feel ashamed because of your thoughts/emotions. Your feelings are their to guide you, not make you feel worse. Surround yourself with people who understand and embrace your uniqueness and presence of being different from others. It’s okay to rock to the beat of a different drum.
There are people out there that understand so you dont have to put on a facade. There are members in this community going through similar or the same thing. We all care and all do our best to help. Just keep trying and stay connected here. You will heal just have HOPE. NEVER GIVE UP ON HOPE! This helps me get through the day. Hopefully it should do the same for you. The day may seem dark. But with HOPE, things will get better. It takes time but dont stop believing.

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@fiji,

Friend, it’s okay to feel. To be.

Like you, I hate the idea of you being at the edge of putting your thoughts in action. But that doesn’t make you a bad person or a failure. Only a human being. Actually, it is really positive to hear that you hate being in this situation. That frustration can be turned into something positive and healthy for you. You know already that you don’t deserve to feel that way. Just don’t let that feeling of shame being a way to be hard on yourself. You don’t need it.

Thank you. For being here despite those thoughts and tiredness. I care about you.

I’m glad to see you here, that you keep writing, sharing, reaching out. That you allow yourself to let this out of your mind. But like Koyangi I’d like to encourage you to seek for varied kind of support in your life. It’s a huge step. A scary one. But it could be so positive for you to actually talk to someone.

We’re here for you. But having to deal with this exhaustion can’t be a long term strategy. You know that. And I know you’ve been struggling for a long time with this idea of wondering who you could talk to, because you’re afraid to be a burden. Well then, if you ever need to vent or talk privately about what is draining you, I’m willing to listen. You’re absolutely not a burden. And if it can help you to take some steps further then it can only be worth it. I understand the struggle of putting some words on how you feel, without any detour, and being vulnerable in front of others. Words can be scary. Sharing your story can be scary. But you can take this step. Whether it’s in this community, with friends who are close to you, family members or a therapist. Just do it progressively if you need. Set your own rules as long as it remains healthy to you. And keep fighting against those thoughts that make you think that you’d be a burden.

I hope your sleep was restful. And even if we don’t know how it’s gonna be now, I hope today will be a good one to you.

Rest as much as you need. But also take care of yourself, friend. :heart:

Thinking of you.

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thanks…

i really appreciate it.

I do have the book, but i havent used it yet, maybe that is a good start.
I used to go to therapists and counselors, but nothing helped.
I have one friend now that i trust and i know she knows what she is talking abuot, i just havent seen her in a while now…

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thank you friend!

it means a lot…

therapists are apparently not for me, at least none that i have t4ried so far helped me. but it will be alright. :slight_smile:

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@fiji

May I ask what are, in your opinion, the reasons that made therapy/counseling unhelpful to you? You mentioned therapists, so I guess it’s part of the answer and I just wonder what bothered you in their attitudes, words… anything.

As it’s a matter of human relationships, it can be quite a struggle to find “the right one”. And it remains important not to conclude that it’s “not for you” too quickly, as it could based on disappointment - even though it would be valid to feel that way. As difficult as it sounds, and it’s only my opinion, I think when it doesn’t work with 5 people then there’s always a possibility to give a try with the 6th one. But it requires some energy. I get that. It also requires from you to be aware of how you perceive the person you’re talking to and what you expect from them.

If it’s not only about the therapists, it can be about the kind of therapy or counseling you tried. Fortunately, there are many different ways to approach our personal situation and how we feel. For some it would be about talking, for others it would be through active interactions and exercises, or even by using creative supports, or being in a group… There are many possibilities. And it depends on what you need the most. For example, I personally need a therapist who will talk with me and not only listen. Someone who’ll share their opinions, who’ll challenge my thoughts, who’ll be part of the conversation, actively. Otherwise I’ll tend to think they’re not interested in what I say, which makes me feel worse, or that they’re just stupid… which is not really kind, okay. :smile:

But I understand that it can be exhausting to navigate between these until you find the right combination between the therapists and the therapy that suit you.

On the other side, we can try therapy to a certain point and realize that it is, indeed, not made for us. But this conclusion requires for us to be 100% honest with ourselves and not use our fears as a reason to hide. Plus, we always change. And if it’s not helpful now, it doesn’t mean it would be the same forever.

Not saying that avoiding is what you’re doing, of course. You are the only one who have this kind of response. So in this case, we have to explore and gather all the things that are helping us on a daily basis. And to be careful with our natural tendancy to isolate when we’re struggling. Just because… therapy can be helpful, but life is more than this.

Maybe you could take some time to reflect on this, to write it down. So you could see that you’re not 100% helpless and you can focus on what is fulfilling, relaxing, pleasant to you. You have a gift for writing. But I’m pretty sure it’s not the only thing that you have in your life. It’s quite an exercise to shift your perspective, to actually see how things are beyond how you feel. But with or without therapy it’s always worth it. :heart:

I’ll stop here, but again the door is open. Anytime. No pressure intended. I just want you to know that you’re not running out of possibilities, even though it can take some time to find the ones that suit you.

Love. :heart:

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Sorry that theory didn’t work for you. Sometimes it takes seeing a few different ones before you find the right one. But I know it’s not for everyone. What wasn’t working for you? Was their methods just not right for you?

I’m glad you have a friend you can trust. Is she someone that you can reach out to and reconnect with? You mentioned it’s been a while. Would it be worth to just ask if she wants to get together or talk some time?

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I have tried multiple therapists and counselors for about 3-4 years now. I’ve tried “traditional” therapy and online counseling and all the things.
Right now I’m giving nutritional psychology a chance and so far I like it. My friend who studied psychology and is a counselor suggested it and it seems to help, at least things are not getting worse because of it.

So far, therapists haven’t understood me, or at least haven’t communicated that I’m not crazy or that things are figure-out-able. Maybe it’s just how I perceived it, but that’s how it felt. It felt like I’m just talking in circles because they don’t get what I’m saying.

It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to talk to them and to be honest (unless it’s all written, I’m better at that than talking)

My last therapists dumped me out of no where (for good and personal reasons [she didn’t just dump me, she took a break in general]) but since it came out of no where and I was standing there alone, with no warning, I guess that has impacted me since to not want to find a new therapist.

I would be willing to try new therapists, because I do still hope that there is someone out there who can help me, but I’m not willing (at this point) to risk getting hurt and being misunderstood again, at least not right now.

Maybe I’m just super picky and crazy, but I feel like no therapist (so far) was able to let me feel like I can do this and am able to get out of this.

I think a therapist who talks with me would be very beneficial, but yeah…

It’s hard to find good therapists.

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I’m actually going to see her tomorrow and I hope I’ll be able to mention some things or start the conversation again.

With therapists so far, I always felt like I’m talking to a wall and that I’m talking in circles. That they are not actually listening and just stating basic or random things and that they didn’t get what I was saying, and that therefore I have to keep saying the same things, but they just don’t seem to understand what the point was of what I was saying.

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Oh, good! I hope you guys will be able to enjoy that time together regardless of what you talk about and spend the time doing.

In response to the therapy and feeling like you’re talking to a wall and going in circles. I get that. I stopped going for many years for that reason. Things felt really off for me, I didn’t feel connected. I became stressed and worried that it wasn’t something that could work for me. And it took many years before I went back. But when I did, I found a really amazing person. Took going through 2 but it felt worth it once I made that connection.

It’s hard finding that connection that feels good. It can be discouraging sometimes. So if you need a break, I get it.

But I hope things go well with your friend. :heart:

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@fiji

So far, therapists haven’t understood me, or at least haven’t communicated that I’m not crazy or that things are figure-out-able. Maybe it’s just how I perceived it, but that’s how it felt. It felt like I’m just talking in circles because they don’t get what I’m saying.

It takes a lot for me to trust a person enough to talk to them and to be honest (unless it’s all written, I’m better at that than talking)

With therapists so far, I always felt like I’m talking to a wall and that I’m talking in circles. That they are not actually listening and just stating basic or random things and that they didn’t get what I was saying, and that therefore I have to keep saying the same things, but they just don’t seem to understand what the point was of what I was saying.

Ugh, I relate to what you said… so much. When I tried different therapists (not so much, “only” 3), I systematically ended to be annoyed by them one way or another. Like they learned a lot of things, theories, and didn’t make the effort to step out of it.

Also I felt like I didn’t learn anything from them. The very first appointment I had, the therapist told me “you already thought a lot about your situation”. Well, yea… if I come here it’s because I’m kind at the end of the rope, so good luck to tell me something new. :+1: I don’t want to sound pretentious or anything by saying this, nor that I’m saying that they weren’t smart or not sincere when they were talking to me. I’m really sure they were genuinely invested in this. But I guess, as you said, that I was picky too. I felt like they just didn’t understand what I was saying and I couldn’t find the right words to let them know.

Somehow it also reflects the expectations we can have about this and… more generally, I’d like to think that it shows how much we’re actually willing for it to work.

Just some ramblings, but this make me think about a major scene from the movie Good Will Hunting - Sorry if you know it already.


It’s only my interpretation. But I like to see it as being about honesty, humility, and the fact that the more supportive relationships arise when one truth is shared: no one knows what it is, how it feels, to be in someone else’s shoes. So there has to be common values, compromises, honesty between people. Otherwise it can be counterproductive, or even hurtful.

Actually I’m thinking about something while writing this. I never tried a therapy saying: “I already met some of your colleagues before. I have already negative prejudices about who you are - profesionnally - and I doubt that you could help me”. That would be honest. And something to work on. I guess we can easily forget about metacommunication sometimes.

Anyway, sorry if this is a bit off-topic.

I see that you don’t put away the possibility of another try, which is already a positive state of mind. But also super glad to hear about the nutritional psychology though! And especially that you like it. That’s quite an interesting entry door. And I guess more like a “complete”/complex kind of therapy than a traditional one.

You know what… You’re doing great. Seriously. And thank you for explaining, sharing. Wasn’t aware of all the things you tried and the things you’re already doing now.

I still hear and understand what goes along the words you shared in your first message. Hitting this dark place, having those thoughts coming back and forth is exhausting. But as on the matter of seeing your friend and be willing to try to talk to them… I’m glad to hear that. You know… maybe you don’t see it through your own eyes, but you are strong.

Take care, friend. :heart:

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I can relate to what you said and your experiences.
I’ll keep trying to be a decent human being and maybe one day I’ll see a new therapist, who knows. And maybe I’ll even find a good one, one that fits my way of therapy and one that is right for me.

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I am almost near in this same boat with you. Distracted during the day only gets you so far. Its those times that you have a minute alone to yourself that are the most dangerous. Thoughts turn into a snowball, and gets bigger as it rolls down, and before long it turns into an avalanche when you are ensure of when you’ll be able to get for air.

I feel for you. I know how you feel.

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