Mike here,
Im not the usual story on a form on this based what Ive seen…hell I read some of these sad stories online seeking help and feel guilty even thinking I need help. I dont want to take away from somebody who truly is begging for help and has no support. The reality for me is the OPPOSITE.
I have such a strong support; family, friends, and a loving girlfriend of over 13 years. When I say I have a loving family it stretches the limits of your imagination.
In that same breath…these reasons make it so much harder to exist with my troubles. I cant keep going on like this and let me explain my troubles:
It all starts with my fathers passing in 2009-2010 when I was a senior in high school as a senior. I cant even type enough to give him credit. We didn’t see eye to eye on my life and future, but I loved him more than life itself. So much so in his decline, I neglected him and tried so hard to erase him from my life. I revolted against him every turn, in truth because I was so scared of loss. He died without ever really having the closure I needed as a result, and only in his final letter to me did I get some closure.
Fast forward to 2014…I just graduated college. I was so lost in the world with how to move on with my life. Mom was struggling herself with my dads death, brother whod younger, girlfriend and friends who didnt relate, I truly couldnt evolve as an adult like most did. Marijuana was my escape. No its not my issue, it was my escape. I never did any hardcore drugs or even alchohol. Once I turned 21 and graduated, I began drinking.
Fast forward to 2018…I work for a fortune 2000 company that I stumbled on from a family friend. I was making 150,000 plus USD a year living the LIFE. I could buy my girlfriend anything, bought my mom household appliances for birthday and Christmas gifts…giving people I loved happiness was such a rewarding feeling. Then the company was shut down for bad business practices. With a recent house purchase and bills I began to see the struggle. It was this time I realized my drinking and depression was becoming a real thing and growing. It had always been there, but was flourishing at an alarming rate.
HOPE…I found an investor to buy my model of “success” in my field. We set up meetings and such, finally I signed an agreement without a lawyer because I was so happy I had got a second chance in my field…well it all went downhill from there. In 2019 they sued me for 1.5 million plus for damages that were bullshit. My drinking became worse, I wished to die. I begged my girlfriend to let me do it. I told her “lets have a good month and then after that let me go”. I wanted her to escape me because I didnt want her to suffer. We werent married, because all I wanted was to give her a wedding so good I could never give her it due to expectations. I worked uber and instacart due to the lawsuit. I also brought us both in 15k plus in additional debt.
During Coronavirus, the company dropped the case…after all that they were afraid of my defense. I felt nothing. I was so emotionally devastated when the lawsuit happened I couldnt even truly be happy it ended.
Now we are here to the present. Im drunk every other day. Not just drinking but binge drinking. I dont like to tell anyone but I have real life visions (similar to the movie A beautiful mind) of me just killing myself in peaceful ways since the lawsuit. They seem so real they scare me. All the while I pretend I am okay because I cant have my family be worried for me. My girlfriend knows im not okay, but has no idea the true reality. When I drink, the truth of my feelings come out alot easier. I beg for help, but because im drunk I dont think it is taken as serious.
Im scared of myself…if the visions of suicide dont come to reality…the alchohol consumption will end me. Im not asking for advise but for somebody to hear my story and see how they feel about it.
Thanks,
Mike