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When it rains it storms

I found out on Tuesday that my mom tried committing suicide by taking a bunch of pills. I’m not really sure how to feel about it because we have a very estranged relationship and it’s been like that for many years that I’ve lost track of exactly how many. Maybe a decade, maybe a bit more, maybe a bit less? I thought I was indifferent about it by going about my Tuesday as normal. It wasn’t until that evening that I just kind exploded because I didn’t realize how infuriated I was at the situation that I took it out on my husband and now we are sleeping in different rooms. At the time I didn’t care when I lashed out at him, I said really nasty things and just shrugged it off. Now I’m kind of spiraling downward. I want to talk to him but he’s made it clear he isn’t ready yet. So I’m giving him his space but my mind is all over the place. I am thinking of all the abuse and trauma I grew up with which is why my relationship with my mother is estranged. I’m thinking how close I use to be with my family but we keep seeming to grow apart and maybe if my mom wasn’t around we could be in a better place. I don’t wish ill of my mom because I know there are people who care about her and they would be heart broken but I can’t think of how things might be easier. Part of me wants to disappear and maybe things would be easier for everyone around me. Part of me is considering cutting because at least I’d feel something other than heart ache and constant crying. I’m scared because I obviously don’t want to be in this mind space. I’ve locked myself away and tip toe around the house so I don’t cause any further issues. I just feel isolated and alone right now. I’m upset with myself for being the worse human being to someone who just wanted to be there for me and care about me but I just pushed them away. I’m not really sure what to do and thought maybe sharing somewhere with anonymity I could get it off my chest and feel a little better. Thanks for reading.

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@incognito

This is a hard topic to respond. Don’t have the right words to encourage you. I’m sorry.

I hope your mom is talking and getting help in some way
I am only guessing but offering some thought:
it seems that alot of emotion to come up all at once, for you, and your husband,
for him it may be something he did not expect or know how to deal with, or understands you need a little time to sort out, hes not angry , just patient to hear a calm return to your voice and ccalmer thought As you have the right to be upset over mom , of course! and out of the blue.
and the news was new to you, and that initial thought storm ,
let it wear down…take some deep breathes.
What can you do with what you have about it? start with simple things,
Find another to talk to for the moment can also be very therapeutic for you. a friend , heck even a pet. they listen well and hearing your own words out loud, helps let you know if your being honest with your thoughts…
its ok to just smile and be present, no words needed to let husband know, you understand as well. as simple as handing him coffee , breakfast… No words need done.

@incognito,

I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s attempt. I hope she’s safe and taking care of herself now.
But I hope you are safe too right now.

There’s indeed a lot of emotions that may arise when this kind of event happens. And having a difficult relationship with your mom doesn’t make it easier. I have an difficult relationship with my mom too. She was very abusive when my sister and I grew up - emotionally, physically. She attempted to her life several times. Her personality is quite toxic: she needs a lot of attention and she ignores others needs, including her kids (we’re all adults now). Everytime my mom was in pain, it was hard for me to have compassion for her. I love her, but I also have a lot of inner limitations when it’s about her. Often times, I feel awful about myself because I can’t have as much compassion for her as a would for anyone else.

How you feel is okay. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Something unexpected happened and it impacts you, it affects your emotions and it makes you wonder a lot of things. That’s okay. Even if it’s disturbing at first. I understand why this voice telling you to disappear or hurt yourself is here. But this world wouldn’t be better without you and cutting is not an option. There are healthier ways to take care of yourself and your heart.

I’m sorry you had an argument with your husband. He’s been certainly very surprised to see you lashing out at him. As he said that he needs time, this has to be respected. You’ll have plenty of time to discuss later. And until then, know that you are not alone in this. We’re with you. :hrtlegolove:

You’re not a bad person, friend. You’re not the worst human being. Your heart is in pain. It makes a huge difference. And sometimes we don’t express it the right way, especially when we have hard time to identify how we feel and what’s going on. It’s a very human reaction.

I’m glad you are here and found this safe place to talk. This community is here to support you. :hrtlegolove: I’d want to encourage you to consider reaching out to a professional as well - a therapist or a counselor for example. You may need some guidance during this difficult season. To help you understand how you feel, to have a safe place where you can express yourself to someone face to face. Know that it’s absolutely okay to ask for some help.

I am thinking of all the abuse and trauma I grew up with which is why my relationship with my mother is estranged.

If there are things you need to let out of your chest, know that you can do it here, friend. Whether it’s on this topic or privately. Even with another account if you need. I know how heavy it is to bottle up memories of abuse. In the long run, it only hurts. You have the right to share your heart and your story - if you are comfortable with this, always. Just know it’s a possibility here.

You are loved and cared for. Sincerely.
:hrtlegolove: