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When people change

When people change, and it’s not for the better…
When they change over time into the opposite of the person you loved at the start. Did they really change or were they always like that and hiding it from you? I feel like I’m always asking these questions but I already know the answers.
When people change into someone you hate when they’re drunk or high or stoned…
When they love to support everything that you stand against…do you still really love that person? Or who you wish they were?
Can you still love someone like that? When should you let go? How can you still love them? Can you still love them by hoping they stop destroying themselves with their addictions? Can you love them from a distance or should you just forget them? Is it worth it to remember the good times, or will they always be tainted?
Were you ever really in love or friends with the person in question, or were you in love or friends with the image you had of them?
Can you still give that person grace, or show them forgiveness, despite going down whatever harmful path they’re on? Can you still give yourself forgiveness for “caring” about them, when it seems like you don’t care about your own well being because you just won’t walk away??
When you see them change from someone you loved so much into someone that breaks your heart with their indifference to their own well being…when there are times when they say things to you when they’re drunk and it just hurts but “they don’t remember because [they] were drunk”…If they don’t love you or you can’t trust the nice things they say to you because it feels like they’re just keeping you around because they have a “use” for you… is it okay to love them even from afar or are you just allowing someone to poison you with their toxicity? Or are you the one who’s toxic? Are you just being judgmental because you’re someone who hates the things they’re addicted to?
What can you do when you just want to hold onto something to fill whatever void you have in your life…and you can’t bear the weight of that void so you fill it with your empty relationship…how can you let go and stay afloat when you’re drowning without holding onto something…how can you bear the pain until you find safer shores?
I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore…I usually try to only post when I can type something that makes sense, but I’m just so conflicted these days and I just want to vent somewhere where I can feel supported even if I don’t hear the answers I’m looking for.

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@TheMouseThatRoared -

I do the same thing. I will write, even if it doesn’t make sense to me, just so that I can get it out. And I am glad that you felt comfortable enough to share with us here. What you’ve written here now, I have had so many of those thoughts cross my own mind when I was in search of answers. And to be honest, I’m still searching for them. It can be so conflicting and confusing.

While I don’t have advice in this moment, never hesitate to share and vent here. I want you to know that someone is always willing to bear witness to what you have to say. It’s good to get it off of your chest as much as you can.

<3 Tara

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Sometimes I wonder if they’re doing the things they’re doing to get me to go away…and they’re laughing because I still choose to stay…

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with, in regards to humanity, is that we’ll never truly know what’s going through someone’s mind. It’s the hardest thing for me to process sometimes. And it’s also hard for us to let go because we’re worried about sinking. But sometimes, it’s better for us to take that plunge because you deserve something more than emptiness.

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I feel like I’ve lost connections with most of the people I was close to, like I was drawn into the wrong crowd. Despite all the similarities we have, despite how most of my friends seem kind and supportive, there are things about them I don’t like at all. All the drinking, the drugs, the pot, the casual disrespect for women, the disdain they have for children, the mockery of religion or spirituality or anyone who chooses to be conservative with their body/sexuality. It feels like so much toxic behavior is normalized in society, and not that I think I’m “holier than thou” but so much of that “culture” just seems so wrong and harmful. I sometimes participate because I want to fit in. People see their behavior as harmless fun, or a coping mechanism, or even a crutch, but the indifference to how long term a lot of the behavior is ultimately hurtful…
I feel so alone and confused, with or without the people I’ve called my friends.
And I feel like I can’t bring up ANY of this to them because it’s like, who am I to challenge them; who am I to say they “need to change”. It’s why I choose to ultimately remain anonymous on this forum, because I want to protect them and their privacy somehow, and at the same time I don’t want them to be upset that I’m essentially talking about them behind their backs. I care about them deeply, or at least, I thought I did. I miss who I thought they were.
I’m talking mostly about my internet friends, but some of the people I know irl are like this, too. And even if they’re not, I always feel like I don’t fit in. With what I choose to value in my life, I feel like the “sinners” see me as “too good” while the “saints” see me as “too bad”. Maybe that’s how I see other people, too. When people in general casually mock something I feel so strongly about, it’s not that I can’t take a joke, but it feels like a rejection of me. It hurts more when it’s my “friends” that make comments like that, because it feels like they care more about selfishness than they do about hurting people.
I know no one’s perfect; I’m certainly not. But I just miss those days when I was a kid when friendship was effortless and uncomplicated. Even in my judgement of others, I miss the feeling of being able to confide in others while feeling unjudged (sp?) myself.
I don’t know how to move on. The weight of the boulder that’s knocked me down makes it impossible to see any sort of happy future.

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Honestly, I’d say you’re not wrong here. Society, I feel, as a whole, has become very desensitized and demoralized in a huge sense.

I have this same issue when I am addressing concerns I have with people around me. I always think of it this way - would it be any different if you were talking to a therapist? I don’t see it as you talking “behind their backs” To me, that always implies that it’s gossipy. How I see this, right here in this thread, is you discussing and working through your thoughts and issues. You have to talk to someone. It helps to get it out in a safe place.

That’s super tough. As people, we are allowed to have a different view and opinion on things, but it’s also within our abilities as humans to be able to show compassion. I have very differing views on religion and other areas than some friends of mine (for perspective, I live in Utah, if that helps), but I know that it’s something I won’t mock or make fun of, because it means something to them. It goes back to society being very desensitized. I think most people tend to have the toughen up approach to anything or think they can dismiss everything as “Well, it’s just a joke” because it’s easier to go that route than to take a moment to step back and decide on another approach or course of action.

I am sorry you are having to deal with these feelings and inner conflicts. It’s not easy and I know it doesn’t feel good. Keep talking and processing with us here.

<3 Tara

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