Going to start this post like I start all of them! Love you guys, and love this community! Y’all are amazing freaking people, and you guys are all so worthy of love and support, and I’m so glad to call you guys not only my friends, but part of the huge heart support family. Never forget your worth, and your value. And remember there’s always tomorrow to try again.
Per encouragement from my support group, I decided to reach out to a local abuse shelter to see what resources they had available to the public, and well I went for it. I went to their women abuse support group tonight (it was both for domestic and sexual). And man it tore my heart apart, per the name of the post “When Reaching Out Makes It All Too Real”. Other then the community, I haven’t really been forced to talk about anything, or even really think about it other then when I’m drowning in my thoughts.
Guys, why is recovering and getting help more painful then being alone, and not getting support. It’s so much easier for me to be alone through this, and not talk about it. Because as soon as I talk about it, it brings up all the pain again. I just can’t deal with it. I have a therapist appointment at 9am, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to go, because it’s too much. Opening up hurts worse then getting it out, even though I want the love and support, honestly I long for it.
Sorry for the post, I know it’s dumb, and it’s just me being petty and overthinking, but it just hurts guys, I just don’t know what to do. I made a promise that I would go to these meetings, but it’s so freaking hard, and it was only the first meeting.
Hey Monkey,
We love you so much, and we want you to know you are worth every moment of encouragement and help and admonishing along the way because you are worthy, you are loved, and you matter, so so much, to this community and to this world.
I can’t tell you how freaking proud I am of you for opening up to a whole brand new group of people about such private and difficult circumstances in life. These things that life has dealt to you, it’s so difficult to talk about, it’s so painful, but your vulnerability speaks not to your weakness at all, but so much to your strength. Your strength to be able to say that you need support. That takes strength. When you break your ankle and you need crutches to support yourself, you use the strength in your arms a lot of times to get yourself anchored on those crutches.
Monkey, you are strong, even when you feel at your weakest.
As real as all of this has become to you, I hope that it just helps you to grow in that strength rather than tempt you to shut yourself up and away. You don’t need that in your life. Your support group guided you to something that showed you how much reaching out helped, even though it hurt. That alone lets ya know, the people around you who want to help aren’t gonna leave you hanging out to dry. So you can let them in. They’ll fill you up and strengthen you even more so than you already are.
I hope you still make it to your therapist appointment. You’ll be hearing from me in the morning on that one. Keep on reaching out. The more you reach out, the more real it will feel. The more real it all feels. The less of the fake and the lies you’ll think you have to turn back to.
Love you so much Monkey, we’re holding fast with you and for you.
Eran
It is because no matter what it hurts especially when you’re open about it. It makes waking up in that misery all too real. When you’re aware & focused on the issues that trouble you. You can’t help being horrified that what you’ve experienced wasn’t a dream. That there are people out there that are willing to hurt others and have harmed you. That there are circumstances that exist that wreck your world.
It bears the question am I strong enough to cope with this?
It is amazing though. You find the kindest of people when you reach out. Sometimes it is by opening up to others that support you that you find strength.
Communities like Heartsupport just amaze me and fill me with hope. I wish you the best.
Keep on reaching out. The more you reach out, the more real it will feel. The more real it all feels. The less of the fake and the lies you’ll think you have to turn back to.