This is such a difficult position to be in. I’m sorry you were experiencing that level of stress and uncertainty for your friend. Even though it’s a manifestation of love, it’s still heavy. Also on the updates: what a relief to hear that she’s feeling okay today!
She is also one of those people who, like a lot of us, will put on a brave face when others are looking.
I’m in a similar place with a friend. They have people in their life but are also really good at hiding how they feel. They share things with me that they don’t want to share with their therapist or anyone else. Even though I encourage them to do so, I can’t rush that process and I want to honor their trust. So during this tough season we got to the point of agreeing for them to send me one message everyday, even to say nothing, with no obligation to have a conversation, otherwise I’d call the emergencies to check on them. It feels like supporting someone only with a thread that connects us - it’s fragile, but also strong at the same time. In such circumstances, I have to keep in mind that it’s better than nothing. When we go through a rough time, there are also things we need to learn and understand by ourselves. But as a friend it’s hard to evaluate, again and again, where is the line between doing too much or not enough. I hear you.
This situation is stressful, especially when you know that struggle from a personal standpoint. And because of this very reason, it’s also important to really take care of yourself too. It’s both the beautiful and tough part of being in this position: you understand the value of trusting someone with your heart when you’re at your lowest and contemplating the idea of giving up. But also when you are the one who’s trusted, you really don’t want to fail on that person, with all the stress that it can bring from time to time.
You have a good heart, Tara. It is obvious that you care a lot. You’re a good friend. And even though I don’t know the details of this relationship, I can tell that you are doing your best. Both thankfully and unfortunately: your best is all you can do.
The other side of this situation is that you’re still an individual with your own life. You also have a need for safety and peace, and some boundaries can’t be crossed. I hope you know that there is absolutely nothing selfish in that statement. As you can only let the doors open to your friend, trust becomes also mutual: you trust their capacity to make the right decisions and keep in mind, during their darkest times, that they are loved, seen, and cared for.
During these moments, when we’re really struggling it’s like having two voices battling in our head. I’m pretty sure you see what I mean. There’s the one that is expressing an insane amount of pain, and the one that knows where the truth is. But it’s like losing our grip on reality, and the second voice is drowning more and more. As a friend, the best you can do is to be that second voice when your loved one is losing sight of it. But the moment they feel it is not something you can force or rush. You can’t erase the pain they feel. You can’t carry it on your own shoulders. You can only inject soft touches of love, care and peace, with the hope that it grows stronger in their own heart. Whether it’s through listening, connecting, sharing experiences, resources, and advice eventually. That’s what you’ve been doing. I really want to thank you for what you do for your friend. You’re a precious ally to them. Despite the ups and downs, despite the cycles that keep repeating and can be discouraging, it is obvious that you’ve been a pillar of strength and stability to them, in the midst of doubts, hurt and uncertainty.
You did the right thing by sharing this. I hope it helps to know that you are not alone and you are absolutely free to share what’s on your heart, especially when you are facing such a stressful situation. It’s so important not to stay alone - even just to let things off your chest. There are deep emotions at play and you also need to be cared for. There is no doubt that you’re a huge supporter to your friend and you want to do as much as possible to help them. But I also understand how it feels when you face this difference between the love you have for someone and what you can actually do. I hope with all my heart that they will feel progressively better and this dark cycle will give space for a new light. You’re already a light to them. And while you are holding the hand of your friend, we are holding yours. 