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When the lights go down

I’m sitting on the floor, and tears are falling down. I couldn’t stand on my feet anymore, suddenly. Sometimes, this heaviness all around me is too strong. My body is weak. It’s like melting from inside. But I know it’s not meant to last. At least I can write here. It’s one of the rare places that makes me feel safe these days.

I feel like I should do something. Or be someone. But how does someone start to exist when there’s nothing left of them? When their soul has been ripped away. I try to be careful with self-fulfilling prophecies. Yet it doesn’t feel like I’d be allowed to think about having a future. I’m tied to the past. I can’t let it go. It’s just always here, all the time, like a shadow. And now I’m stuck in the present with a constant flow of stressful things to deal with.

I know this will pass. Like always. Until it happens again.
Sitting on the ground. Crying, hurting. Getting back on my feet, walking. Repeat.
What a life.

It feels like I’ve been on the floor a thousand times. Yet it still fascinates me to see how fast I can end in this position. No matter how good I was the second before. World seems to be unreal from that place. It looks more simple, less stressful. But I don’t want to move yet. I need to be outside of this reality, of myself, for a few minutes again. Just a few minutes to recharge.

I wonder why there’s always something happening, some bad news coming from nowhere. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but sometimes I keep thinking about what I could have done in an other life to deserve all of this. What kind of monster I could have been.

This moment is not comfortable. But I’d like to think that I’m sitting and writing for a reason. It’s time to be honest with myself. This week has been stressful.

My mom was missing for 3 days. I only had some news from my dad a couple of hours ago. She’s okay now. But she was gone, don’t even know where. She already did that before, because of her mental health issues. I’ve been worried and pissed for the past few days. At her for her behavior. At myself for being worried. I wish I’d be able not to care about her anymore, not to love her anymore. But I can’t. I don’t chose to love her. I do it anyway. Despite the amount of times she hurt me and our entire family.

The perspective of having to go to my parents home, to drive for 7 hours and support my dad has been shaking me. I’ve been stressed just to think about having to sleep there and being surrounded by so many bad memories. I’m processing. Slowly. I’m trying to let that stress go away. But it’s exhausting to feel like everything is a potential threat to me.

I’m gonna need to find a job sooner than I expected. The owner of the apartment I’m living in wants to put it for sale at the end of summer. It means I’m gonna have to see my husband too. But the last time we saw each other it didn’t go well. I guess the question of living together again or not will be asked. I don’t know what I want. But I don’t feel ready to work again. To spend time to look after a job, go to job interviews… yet it doesn’t sound like I’m gonna have a choice.

There is this enveloppe waiting on my desk to be open. It’s the results of my last medical checkup. It’s been waiting for a couple of days. It says if my cancer is back or not. And as I can’t rely on my physical sensations and health to guess if I’m getting better, the idea of opening this letter is scary to me. I’m certainly afraid for nothing. I should wait to see my doctor for this. But I’ve not been able to schedule an appointment with them yet.

It seems that my head is full of memories when I’m stressed. Full of painful emotions. And it’s paralyzing.
I’m grieving the person I could have been if life had been different. I’m reflecting on my past. Feeling it.

I just need a few more minutes.
It will pass. Nothing to worry about.

To whoever read this to that point: know that you are loved. :heart:

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:heart: much love and peace to you friend :heart: the darkness continues to wash over me as well and break and return so I am sorry I can’t seem to respond better in this moment than to say from my place of struggle I am sending you thoughts of comfort and hope to your place of struggle.

Its interesting to hear you say you feel like you are melting from the inside. Because these episodes for me I continue to think of as a form of rendering. Everything within me is on fire and it is my true hope that this too will produce a stronger, purer me but I also fear there may be nothing left when it’s all done this time.

Again - love to you. I’m sorry. I wish you were not suffering. Keep getting back on your feet. I am cheering for you. :heart:

Eve

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Hey friend,

Man there is a lot of weight your’e carrying around right now. I want you to know I love you very much. I did what I did with Stafflower and messaged you privately to check on you. If you need to talk, I’m here <3

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I understand the vicious cycle you go and are going through very to well. I can feel as high as a mountain some days to down in the dirt. I’m so grateful to have found this site so I can actually find people to relate to since most people dont understand we all go through. Despite you feeling down I am very happy for you there are days where you aren’t.

Like yourself, I too have extremely toxic parents that i had to recently cut off because it was getting to a point where I could no longer manage or handle it. The fact that you make an effort to support your family despite what they put you shows great moral character.

You are resilient and mentally strong. My father went to the extent to try and brainwash me and often would call the police when I did minor things such as dropping the toilet seat to loud or eating in the middle of the night. I completely understand that your parents are triggers. Maybe we can brainstorm ideas so that when you go back you dont have to sleep there and if you have to maybe think of ideas to create a barrier.

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@nameredacted

I appreciate you. Thank you for taking the time to reply while you weren’t feeling right either. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling, feeling drowned by this darkness… Hope you are feeling better, even just a bit.

I like the way you described this. It is indeed interesting to see how the images we use to explain what is going on are so different. Yet, maybe it’s about the same thing? Anyway, thank you for sharing. I feel the meaning that goes with the words you used. I wish you were not feeling like this either. It’s is such an awful sensation…

Hang in there, okay? As you reached out to me here I want you to know that you can always DM me if you ever need it. As said before, I appreciate you, your words, your presence. Keep gathering some energy to get back on your feet. I’m rooting for you.

Love. :heart:

@KittyKoyangi

Thank you, you wonderful sunshine - I wanted to say it here as well.
I cherish your friendship.

Wishing you a wonderful day.
Take care. You are precious to me and so many. :heart:

@Cp2231

Thank you for sharing some parts of your own story, for relating.

Going through that “vicious circle”, as you said, is draining me. Still tired today. Still cried for no reason. But I just let it be.

I don’t have to go to my parents home anymore, as my mom is back. But it’s true that this kind of situation will probably happen again. I didn’t expect to feel this intense stress just by thinking about going there. I’ve been avoiding that place for 2 years, but it won’t be possible to do that forever. I guess I just want to put that aside for the moment. Denying and avoiding is kind of my thing - but that’s not healthy.

I try to focus on my own life and stuff to deal with. Thank you anyway for your proposition. I appreciate it. And if that can be helpful to you as well, I’m indeed open to think about it. We can talk about it privately.

Sending a giant hug to you. :heart: