He has fully discarded me, for this woman on Instagram. His last words to me were “it’s just a game (meaning his contact with her.) I only want you as a friend, and sometimes for sex…if you cannot see that then leave. I don’t care about you anymore. I can’t.”
So I walked away from his door angry, scared, so very alone, and feeling completely worthless.
I have blocked him. I have deleted our texts and messages. Now is the detox. Now is the real pain. To be alone with my demons. To not reach for a drink. To not starve myself. To not succumb to the words that echo through my head about how I am just not worth being here anymore.
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What a horrible thing to say to someone. Just horrible.
Well, maybe the time can be used to do so self love work. There are two of you in your head, the one who tells you your “not worth being here anymore” and the one who listens. Think about that for a minute. Part of you is listening… to you, tearing you … apart. This cannot help you. Try to think of the listener with compassion, the part of you that has lost her voice, and listens to the tormentor. I know she’s there, because she’s writing me. Telling me she doesn’t want to feel this way any longer, that she’s hurting, and wants to know that she’s loved. All of this is true. We are all very necessary to each other, in ways that we cannot always know or even imagine. For example, today, with you, has helped me to reinforce things I try to tell myself everyday. I too struggle with letting go, I’ve held on way too tight and way too long, in fear of losing what I never had, but healing is going through the pain, getting to know it, and it’s causes, so you can move through it, as there is no getting around it, at least not that I have found, and I’ve spent considerable time looking. Make that listener your best friend, give her a voice, and tell you, you’re going to be okay in a little while. Today is a bad day, but soon it will be better.
Peace
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@gnuone Thank you for listening and responding. I know this weekend is going to be very difficult. I will be home alone, so I will be with only my thoughts. I need to feel the pain and discomfort. I need to feel the sadness.
I just need to be ready for it all. It is close to the same as detoxing from drugs and alcohol. The mental and physical ride the body goes through.
I must learn to stop listening to the loud tormenting voice. I will do my best to lean into the listener.
Thank you!
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You are very rich in insight! You have a history of pain, and unjustified attacks on your confidence. At the same time, you are a treasure, filled with abundant empathy and compassion, and your hardships have provided you with many deep understandings, that few people ever come to.
Sometimes, there is nothing to be done except to wait out the pain. Is it possible, that you have come to believe that you were mistreated because you deserved it? That kind of assumption is part of our social conditioning, so deeply ingrained, that belief in the fallacy feels natural.
If you were emotionally and or physically abused, or was around such abuse, as you were growing up, There is a significant probability that at a subconscious level, you were attracted to the kind of people who would mistreat you. Many people find it strange, that a victim of abuse will be attracted to someone who seems really charming, but after a short time becomes not so charming, thoughtless, and in many cases, abusive. It’s as though some form of subconscious radar is helping such abusers attract more victims.
I think you have reached a point where you may no longer feel so strongly drawn into such toxic relationships. Still, it takes time to recover from them. And you may still be susceptible to loneliness induced difficulty in perceiving those individuals who are not good for your mental health.
This might be a good time to establish a good friendship with yourself. Enjoy your own company. Feel your strength and independence. When two people who are good at being alone, get together, a sublime form of unity and freedom can exist between them. It’s better to love being together than to feel that you simply need to be with someone.
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Hey @ScoobyinWY,
I’ve read the conversation and just wanted to share a few thoughts, even though I’m not sure if it would be helpful in any way. First off, as you are alone this week-end with the intention to sit with your pain, please keep in mind that we’ll still be here once you get back from this inner journey. If at some moments you feel like there is no issue, no way to escape, please never forget that you have an exit door with us here. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain is one of the most profound yet difficult experiences I’ve ever known. Be a friend to yourself during that process, just like we, right here, are holding your hand despite the distance.
You’ve been through a lot of abuse in your life. Also times when you didn’t receive the support you needed - and even more, you were guilted for things you didn’t control and for things that never implied any fault. As you said, there was a point when you started to feel sorry for existing. With such context, it makes absolute sense to feel how you feel, to be attracted by people who repeat those abusive behaviors, to have a hard time to let go of the past and see any value in yourself.
I’m “only” 27, so I can’t pretend to be in the same mindset as yours, with the same amount of experiences and tiredness. But I’ve been through my share of traumas, abuses and violence that makes me feel now inherently isolated from this world, from others, from myself and life itself. I don’t know how to let go of the past either, though I wish there was a magic recipe. There’s not one single day when my vision isn’t focused on things that happened before. Not one day without wondering why and trying to find some logic behind this. Because knowing why would bring a sense of safety. If our world is only made of chaos, how can we even want to try to be part of this wild circus? How can we even believe in love when what was shown to us resulted in making us feel incomplete?
You are right, people who say that everything happens because God has a plan don’t understand how it feels to see your world shattered because of things you never understood and never asked for. Well, not just to see it, but to feel it at your core. This kind of comment might happen with a good intention, but they only increase a sense of profound loneliness.
I also hear your frustration when people say that “you don’t need a man to make your life complete”. Again, not said with a bad intention, but it still conveys the idea that your needs are not heard nor understood. Though it’s not entirely wrong. There’s a flavour of truth in that, in the sense that we can’t find our worth only through someone else. I have a partner. We’ve been together for almost a decade now and it’s true that I wouldn’t be here anymore without him. But he’ll never save me from myself, because I am the one who possesses those keys, even if I’m still looking after them. I still hate myself and find myself disgusting. I am still very alone, not physically, not emotionally, but spiritually. The things I’ve been grieving are things I can only experience by myself. What my partner does though, is to be an anchor of rationality when my heart gets lost in this overwhelming pain. Indeed, we can’t ignore the fact that being loved for who we are helps a lot to gain confidence and peace. But the hard work happens within ourselves, first and foremost by sitting with our pain and not running away from it, just like you’re doing very bravely this weekend.
When people tell you to “love yourself first”, I think they’re right somehow, but they don’t really understand what this is about either. It’s only my perspective and the result of my own experiences, but I feel like when it comes with abuses and traumas, loving yourself can be a goal and not necessarily a pre-requirement to actually live and embrace this life, because it’s not necessarily about self-love. At least, I don’t understand love and acceptance as being the same, but again it’s a personal perspective.
These days, I’ve been ruminating a lot about my past and feeling heavily suicidal. It pushed me to wonder why I am still here. Like: where does the energy to keep moving on come from? When I think about some of the things I’ve been through, it doesn’t make any sense. I’m not a survivor, I’m not strong, I’m not a superhero or whatever. I don’t manifest more character than anyone else, and this constant vulnerability and fear within me shows the opposite. I still fall into the same traps whenever I think about myself and my worth. What I have though, and what remained constant for all these years, is to be driven by justice. Hell, I’m still figuring out what love is so self-love is even more a foreign concept. But justice? That’s what I’m looking for, that’s my anchor, and I can’t help but hearing a flavor of it when you say this:
I don’t want anyone to end up like me! Old, alone, afraid, wanting to die…simply because nothing has seemed to work.
I want to be sure no child/teen ever gets so lost and so deep in the pit…they lose themselves forever.
On a more spiritual level, when we lose someone we love, the best way to give them justice for all the time they’ll never live anymore, is to live our own the best way possible. And when something wrong happened to us, we deserve to deploy the efforts it takes to live a good life, to be treated respectfully, to love and to be loved, to do good and leave a positive impact in this world. We owe that to the parts of ourselves that we are forced to grieve. To those versions of ourselves who never received the love and care they needed at the moment. Because we are extremely, constantly aware of how it feels to see chaos and nonsense in the eyes of another human being, and how it feels to be reflected that on our spirit.
I don’t need to love my neighbour to accept and defend the fact that, if he does something wrong, he deserves justice, just like I don’t need to understand why he did what he did. I don’t need to understand why the things that happened to me happened in order to compose with who I am today, partially because of it. I don’t need to love myself to accept that I deserve to make sure that what happened before doesn’t happen anymore. Not by disappearing, but with the knowledge that I, as any other human being, deserves better. Just like you want others to know better, you, the present you, deserves better than what you’ve known in the past if it only results in making you feel worthless. Your time is not over. There is no age limit when it’s about healing our heart. You are constantly moving, progressing, constantly intertwined between who you were yesterday and who you are today. Your experiences impacted you, but they never conditioned you. And the most tangible proof of that is that you are here today. You’ve shown resilience every time you had to step away from someone who didn’t respect you.
I don’t know anything more difficult and mysterious but to learn to let go of the things we never had yet should have been, while having to compose with the memories of things that should never happen to anyone. That is such a painful, heartbreaking way to grieve. You never deserved what happened to you. But today, you deserve to heal and to allow yourself to grieve properly. You deserve to learn to know yourself with as much patience, curiosity, grace, self-forgiveness you can give to yourself, day by day.
It sounds that you are going through a transition in your life. It manifests with being attracted by opposite thoughts, old patterns yet the desire to know something different. Those mixed feelings only shows how much you are human, and how much being human is, indeed, very messy and confusing sometimes. But you are learning to stand up for yourself, at your own pace, even if it doesn’t feel like this and only manifests through pain, pain and pain again. It will be different. From this chaos you feel today, there wil be a time when you will find some clarity. So keep holding on, friend. We’re often able to name our experiences and name them afterwards. The process to get there is incredibly messy and full of questions unanswered. But I believe that there will be a time when you will look back at today and see how much this time of your life was yet another step in learning to deploy your wings. How much you’ve grown again.
You are not over. You are learning to create another version of you with the knowledge of the ones you missed. That’s how beautiful you are. And I hope one day you’ll be able to see yourself as I see you today, because I can assure you, it blows my mind away.
Much love to you. I believe in you. I’m rooting for you.
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@Wings
Thank you. Being an only child to a single parent, I was my friend once.
At a time I enjoyed being alone. I went on many hikes. To discover some incredible scenery. I would sit and draw for hours, just putting on paper all the things in my head. I would even just put on music and dance and sing to my heart’s content.
Later it turned to drinking myself to pass out. To them self harm.
I need to relearn the true friendship.
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@Micro
I don’t even know where to begin. You’re message was so heartfelt. And my reply won’t do it any justice.
One thing I have not been able to do, in many years, us just sit and feel the pain. I have either say at home and drowned the pain with a bottle, gone to a bar to drink it away and let a stranger lie to me for a night, or I have cut myself to release it.
Two nights in my life, I let it take me to the very edge and attempt to end it. Only to wind up in the hospital while they “saved” the life I wanted gone.
I want to push through this pain, once and for all. My hope is that if I can get it all “felt through” maybe, just maybe it won’t hold the power over me anymore.
I want to get to the point where, if finding true love just isn’t meant for me, that I will have the strength and compassion to endure being alone.
That if I don’t find the “perfect job for me” I will have the strength and endurance to just keep pushing knowing it just is what it is.
Or simply, just knowing I did the best I could, and be proud of myself for that. No matter what happens this weekend.
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Your message is truly beautiful, @ScoobyinWY. It shows how much despite what you’ve been through, despite your old ways to cope, you’ve managed to find some clarity and are still willing to try, but differently this time.
It’s more than human that you’ve tried to cope with things that hurt yourself. Oftentimes we need to let this energy out and we end to turn it against ourselves. It’s also a way to numb ourselves, to run away. I too have used ways to cope that just ended to be torture for my body and soul, even if it felt like a relief at the moment.
But it’s different now. You have the understanding of what you’ve been through and how you reacted before, and I hope you allow yourself to be compassionate with yourself regarding all of this. When we feel like we’re our worst enemy, we just try to find an escape, whatever it costs. That’s really understandable. Pain is something we want to avoid, especially when it feels unbearable.
You have that strength and endurance. Absolutely. I believe in you and am thinking of you today.
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Last night and today were challenging.
I don’t know if I feel better or calmer. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and deal with an office full of men that don’t understand common courtesy on any level. And I have to navigate how I deal with sexual texts from my boss. If I react on any level, I am told my attitude is inappropriate and I need to check myself, but if I say something about inappropriate I just get the glare of “go ahead, try it!”
I have done nothing but cry for the past two days. Not even wanting to leave my bed. My dogs would come nuzzle me and try to get me to move. I just want to disappear.
If my son wasn’t one my mortgage, I would not be here. But I absolutely do not want to leave a financial disaster for my kids. Once I can figure out a way to make sure the house will be taken care of…there will be nothing to stop me.
I am not wanted here.
My oldest daughter (with her own mental illness) has refused to talk to me and is keeping my grandkids from me. I want to see them, but I don’t think they have asked to see me…so maybe they don’t even want me.
the man I love wants a woman from instagram, a woman he has never met. Just because she is young and “beautiful” and tells him she loves him. Oh…and she has asked him for money…but you know it’s not a scam or anything.
My work treats me with so little respect…I know I am not wanted there. As I have been told, a trained monkey could do my job. And the best I can do is make a sandwich.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I am tired mentally and physically. I just don’t have it in me anymore. They say the third is the charm…so hopefully I get it right this time.
i cannot take one more day of feeling like I don’t exist, don’t matter, and was never good enough.
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Hey @ScoobyinWY,
None of this is your fault or about you. I hear you and understand how the accumulation of all of this make you feel like you are not wanted. In your position, that’s how I would feel too. I’d question my worth, my right to be loved and to be seen as valuable. But as I see this situation from the outside, I can assure you, it’s not your fault and you don’t have to let all of this define you. I say this to you today with all the honesty, respect and care I have for you. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. This world is wild, painful, unfair at so many levels, but it doesn’t have to be turned against you. You deserve better than this.
In your post, you’ve listed different things that are burdening you right now. Your work, your relationship with your daughter and your relationship with this man. It’s a lot to deal with at the same time, friend. Which is why, from now, it will be important to take it easy and think about priorities. Relationships follow a long timeline and changes can be slow to happen. Right now, it sounds that a priority would be to do something about your job situation. It’s not safe there. Should I say, it’s even incredibly toxic and abusive.
In your first post, you mentioned two things: reporting and job hunting.
- May I ask if you have any way to report this attitude yet to remain anonymous? Do you have a human resources service where you live? Or could you be advised by an external service or a nonprofit, for example? I know it’s scary when you feel stuck because of someone who is harrasing you and seem to have power over you. But you are not stuck, okay?
- How is it going regarding job hunting? I’m aware that it’s super hard with covid (I’m right there with you on this struggle bus) and the circumstances are not helping. Do you receive any help through those procedures?
- What do you think about asking your doctor to have a medical leave, so you can breathe a little? You can absolutely explain your workplace situation to your doctor. They’ll understand that you need to be away from this environment because it’s affecting you deeply.
There are better places to find. Better environments where you would be truly respected and valued. You don’t have to handle all of this only by yourself, friend. I know you’re really, really hurting right now. It makes totally sense to be so exhausted. But we’re not giving up on you, friend. We care about you here. You belong, even if there are so many things in your life that are making you feel like you don’t. Don’t give up on yourself. What’s been said and shown to you is not the reflection of who you are.
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Hey again ScoobyinWY,
I’ve been so encouraged by your willingness to open up and trust people here - I really am hoping it helps! Like your dogs, we’re trying to nudge you out of that bed (physically and mentally), and we do very much appreciate where you’re at.
Let’s try to take a step together. As I write this you’re probably at work, and being “whisked away” by the week and all of its stresses. But let’s make a goal this week. Let’s take a step in a direction.
Where do you live? I’d like to get you set up with someone who can support you on an ongoing basis (not your address, just city if you’re ok to share that.) And we’ll be here with you through it.
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@Micro @HS_John
My HR is located in a different state. I had reached out to her before.
A coworker belonged to a private FB group. It was a group for survivors. I had a post about being a survivor of rape and abuse.
My coworker sent me an email, a work email, that said just because I had been abused didn’t mean I had to act and be mean to all men.
I reported him to our HR office. Her response was that if I posted it online I was subject to whatever happened. And that my coworker was only trying to be “helpful.”
Thankfully the admin of the group kicked him out and told him what he did was wrong.
So basically, I have no faith in my HR.
I have been job hunting. Putting in applications and resumes. I reach out a week after I send them, leave messages…still no response. I finally got an email from one I applied at 3 months ago, letting me know they went with someone else. No interview…so that was nice.
I am not even able to take vacation. No one in my office knows how to do the job I do. And I actually help 5 other branches with their workload.
I reached out to my old therapist to see if she could some how see me. She cannot see me until the 12th.
I will continue to come to work.
Most likely I will work, go home and sleep, get up and go it all again.
I truly just want to one day not feel like I want to be, or would be better off, dead.
Life shouldn’t be like this. My children, my dogs, my friends (even though they all live away from me) deserve someone better than me, or what I am right now.
I am scared. I go to the bathroom just to sit and cry… doing nothing but sobbing and shaking.
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You need to keep living if you have children. I cannot even imagine the pain I would suffer if I lost a parent, the pain is too great. So please keep living for the people who love you. You matter. 
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I know this has very little to do with the rest of the thread, but I’d like to stop and consider it. “Not able,” or “not willing?” The fact that the company fills your head with the notion that you can’t leave, yet still treats you like garbage, is a toxic relationship in itself. They’re taking advantage of you, especially if you’re doing your work for 5 other branches. Just the workload is enough to burn anyone out, but add on the terrible treatment and it’s little wonder you feel trapped.
If they say that a trained monkey could do your job, if you have the PTO to spare, I think you ought to put that to the test and take a week or two off to breathe and be free. Maybe they’d appreciate you a little more after that. You have said there’s nothing holding you here on earth, in life, but is there anything holding you in Wyoming (guessing from your username)? Could you consider moving somewhere with more job opportunities? It sounds to me like you’re specialized in what you do, and have a lot of experience in it that would make you valuable to any company!
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@Pengyou
Thank you. I try each day, simply because I don’t want to leave there with any sadness or burden. But my brain fights me telling me that I am a burden to them now. It is a war in my head.
@SheetMetalHead
I understand what you are saying, and yes it is more that I am hesitant to take a vacation. I have taken a day off here and there, and the pile up I come back to is frustrating.
Just a little insight to how my boss works. When Covid started and most places started making it mandatory for associates to work from home, if it was possible. I started working from home. I was going to work 4 days at home, and one day in the office. My boss through such a fit. He was so upset that he would now have to check and go through the mail. I tried to get him to understand that if he would check it and put it on my desk, I would be in one day a week and would be going through it. His response was that if he wanted something done right, he had to do it himself. Then he started telling me how I wasn’t doing my job and was going to get my job outsourced if I couldn’t do it. Simply because I would not be checking the mail every day.
I do have a vacation planned. I am supposed to go to Ireland in April (it was my 50th birthday present to myself.) It has been postponed once because of Covid, I am just praying it goes through in April.
My plan, my hope, was to hold on until April. To come back from vacation with a renewed spirit and a drive to find a better job.
I have thought about trying out of state. Right now, it is just fear holding me back.
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Hey an appointment with your therapist! That’s a great first step. Someone, especially a professional, speaking into your life. I think that’s really great and something to build on.
Of course staying here for your kids is a good reason to hold on now. But I think that soon you will discover more- let us know how your session with your therapist goes; we’d like to hear!
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