When we lost my brother i lost myself and i still

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Belongs to: Therapist reacts to Hot To Be Me by Ren Ft Chinchilla
When we lost my brother I lost myself and I still don’t know who I am. I feel like I go through life in a daze and no longer even know my loved ones… can you please react to Ren’s song Crutch? I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was a child… but when we lost my brother it changed even that part of me and made life even more confusing. Knowing someone else feels my pain… both physical and emotional, hurts but is also comforting.

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My friend. I’ve read your comment and am shedding tears alongside you. Having lost my big brother in 2018, I feel the depth of your words in my heart. The way you describe how much it changes your entire world - it’s all so very true, so very well expressed too.

Losing a sibling leaves such a special type of wound that isn’t spoken about enough. When you were young, you grew up with your brother and nothing could have prepared you to the perspective that, one day, you would have to keep on going in life without them by your side. With siblings, we have this natural perspective in mind of keeping on growing together and walking through the hurdles of life together. Figuring out how to be an adult, how to face annoying responsibilities, how to overcome adversity with a sense of solidarity that no one else can provide. When you lose this presence, this crutch, this very part of your own heart, the world - and life altogether - just doesn’t feel the same. It loses its taste and what was making it exciting. It doesn’t feel like an adventure anymore, but almost like an unwanted burden. A poisoned gift that doesn’t feel fair to possess.

It’s so hard to learn to compose with the life that keeps on going in front of you when time has stopped for your own brother. With the feeling that the more time goes, the more it separates you from them. The thoughts and feelings that come with survivor’s guilt are very present and very real. It feels like it takes over absolutely everything sometimes, for it just doesn’t make any sense after all. Why them? Why have to keep on embracing life when they don’t get that chance anymore? Why do we have to say goodbye to all the life that should have unfolded together? With grief not only comes the heavy silences and missing the person dearly, but it’s also about coming to terms with all the memories that you had yet to build together, all the plans that should have happened, all the moments that should have been spent together. You are forced to grieve what was, but also what could have been at the same time, which freaking hurts. It feels like having your own soul being pulled apart in multiple directions.

Your story is unique, your relationship with your brother is absolutely unique and entirely yours too. Although you are definitely not alone on this path, my friend. Life does appear very differently after losing a brother. It feels uncertain, scary, confusing, and it certainly takes time to find our way again through it. It’s okay if now is not the time. It’s okay to let yourself feel what you need, and even more to share his name to the world. He keeps on living through you, through your voice, through this beautiful heart of yours. Death does not prevail over love. It never will.

Much hugs to you.

-Micro, Heartsupport staff