Been alone most of my life. Only child. Military brat. Shy kid. Small, wimpy, nerdy kid. The old scars from moving around every few years and having to leave my friends behind never healed, and led to me becoming a loner as an adult more out of self-preservation than anything. Add to that ongoing, chronic depression that I can’t afford to treat, and you can probably imagine the fun that follows.
Never been good with dating. Didn’t have a girlfriend at all in high school, missed out on a lot of those social development milestones. ‘Late bloomer’ is an understatement. Mrs. Perfect could fall out of the sky right now, or pop out of a magic lamp, and I would have no friggin idea what to do. I’ve tried online dating off and on a few times–I don’t drink, so ‘bars’ are out, I don’t like crowds or ‘clubbing,’ I really don’t have many options for meeting women outside of work or friends–but that never seems to go well. On the rare occasion I’ve connected with someone, I’ve gotten straight-up ghosted twice when I thought things were going well. Gaming is my principal hobby, but most actual gamer girls are reluctant to advertise, given the mountains of toxicity they usually get subjected to. Can’t blame them, but that knowledge doesn’t help me much.
The loneliness and depression really started hitting badly the last few years. In April 2023, I decided to force myself to try again, even though at that point I’d basically given up entirely. Stopped trying for over a decade. Convinced, utterly, that there was something wrong with me that made me unlovable, unworthy, and that I should just accept that I’d live alone and die alone. Intellectually I know that’s stupid, but one cannot choose what they feel. I put out a couple online dating profiles just to see what my options were, and at the same time, decided to start trying to lose weight again, in hopes that it woud have the combined effect of 1) making me more physically attractive, so maybe someone might actually give me a chance, and 2) make me feel more confident in myself. Self-loathing, I realize, is not an attractive quality. Believe me, ladies, I don’t like it any more than you do.
This past June, one of my profiles, which I’d forgotten about, got a hit, and I started talking to this girl, doing a ‘long-distance’ thing for a couple months. And it felt really good, for like ten minutes. I’d actually finally started to believe that maybe I wasn’t unlovable after all, that maybe I was finally being given a chance to be happy. I was making tentative plans to meet her during Christmas. Back on my weight-loss plan after taking a few months off. I was motivated again.
…Pretty sure she was a scammer.
…Pretty sure it was never real.
Which makes it feel even worse than if she’d just not given me hope at all. It’s been a couple weeks since I put an end to it, but a part of me still hopes I’m wrong, still leaving that damned messaging system open to give her a chance to prove I’m just a dummy for ever doubting it.
In the mean time, after it fell apart, I felt like maybe I should capitalize on that quasi-good feeling I had, to try to salvage some of my momentum before the crash inevitably dragged me down again. Hit a few new dating sites, been giving it everything I have, but so far, while I’ve gotten a few ‘likes,’ no real prospects. Except, literally, another scammer. Found that out last night after the dating site emailed me about it. That’s it. The only people that seem to want to talk to me are scammers.
And it’s starting to get real hard not to take that personally. I don’t trust easily in general, and don’t do rejection well, and even as I try to maintain perspective and just not think about it, I can’t. Ghosted twice, scammed once. Why even keep trying? It really is hard not to take that personally. And all the while, part of me wonders when I just accept the inevitable and stop trying again.
But I have no idea what else to do that I haven’t already done, that I can do, or that I’m not already doing.
Hey @Steven_Pinkston, welcome to heart support and thanks for posting!
I have felt this many times, I have PTSD and Anxiety that make it nearly impossible to gain a connection of depth with others. Or at least that’s my assumption of the two. It can be so hard not to feel so alone and like we’re on another island from everyone else who make this kind of stuff seem so effortless.
One thing that has helped me in a profound way has been putting all of my effort into myself, and helping others. Another has been the perspective of “everyone is different, we go through similar things, but they’re still different, we’re different” things come with time, and trust the process. Through those things I found a hope, and will to not give up then things started opening wide up for me when I least expected it.
It gets easier as you work on yourself, day by day, slowly and some of these things can be viewed as strengths. You have the ability to empathize with others and that goes a long way. I believe in you, and think that your unique self bolstered through self work and giving back can net you the most positive results.
Please keep working on yourself. Whether physically, or mentally. I believe the rest will come as you continue!
Cheers!
Thanks for posting here. I can relate to what you posted here. I was a late bloomer as well. I’ve always been a gamer and a geek and I’ve been pretty socially awkward around girls for much of my life. I know how hard depression and loneliness can be. I was a lonely shy picked on kid. It took years and finally meeting that right person and my confidence finally grew. At this point, I’m almost an entirely different person. I get it that the dating world can seem like a minefield. Even if it’s hard to see it right now, that person is out there. I’ve found the most important thing to do is learn to love myself and take care of myself. You are worthy. Even if it feels like you are, you aren’t alone. Don’t give up. You will find that person eventually. I can tell from your post that you are very empathetic and really feel things big. Hang in there. I was 30 when I finally met the woman that became my wife and we are still happily married and in love. Just don’t give up.
Hey @Steven_Pinkston!
Welcome to heartsupport! We’re glad you joined us!
I was the nerdy shy kid growing up too. I know for me it felt like I had lost a lot of opportunites in life and I’m just NOW catching up.
When it comes to the scars never healing, I feel like they heal more than we realize. We both have scars, and we’re here today, so something must have gone right, ya know? Even fully healed, scars still stay with us forever. But they’re kind of a testament to what we’ve been through and how we survived and carried on throughout all of it.
I’m sorry you’ve gone through all that in the dating scene. It can be rough out there, that’s for sure. Especially now because, as you’ve seen, there’s a lot of scammers out there. And that REALLY, really sucks. But in despair, comes light! You mentioned getting back on your weight loss plan, which is awesome! Because now you know you can get that motivation somewhere. Being confident in yourself is super key!
Taking that step to get to where you need to be. It can do so much, especially with your day to day life. I’ve changed little things in life like diet, cutting certain things out, and just being more active in general. It’s cleared my head a ton, and made me more confident in myself. I learned a long time ago that I spent way too much time trying to change myself for others, and no time at all changing things to better myself, which IMO is more important at the end of the day.
I know you’re gonna meet that special someone. It may happen soon, it may happen a few years from now. I didn’t meet my fiance until I was 30 years old. I’m 43 now. It can definitely happen! Just have a bit of patience, some confidence, and show that moxy and you’re gonna do fine!
Hello Steven_Pinkston,
From a single woman perspective, I can totally relate to what you are saying especially when society’s dating pool is based on all the wrong things. We are living in a society where on a date the first question that a person ask you is, “How much money do you make?” This question along kills the entire vibe. Hence, this is why it is important that you keep going because loves works in mysterious ways you never know when you will meet your special person, so do not let all those stumbling blocks prevent you from finding love. Wishing you luck on your pursuit of happiness!
Thanks for the help, all. Not in a particularly great place to hear it yet, I don’t think. Since I posted this that I had another scammer make a run at me. And really no other interest from the dating sites I’m on. Which…isn’t a surprise so much as an unwelcome confirmation. I’m 44, and I can’t help but wonder how long I can keep waiting before I just give up entirely. I hate feeling like this.