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Belongs to: Jake Luhrs and Therapist React to Snuff (Live) Corey Taylor
When you hate yourself enough disassociating is super easy. At that level you can feel so poisons that even the toxic people in your life are your fault.” If you love me let me go”is a super selfish response but I honestly don’t know how to handle it. What if you’re the problem? I’m still working on how to handle that idea
Hey hey friend.
This is a pretty interesting post and I really appreciate you giving us a moment to be in this space with you. To listen and understand.
In your post, you mention feeling so at odds with yourself that you start blaming yourself for how people treat you and behave. You even discuss the juxtaposition between “if you love me let me go” and how sometimes it’s hard to see when someone needs to work on themself.
I appreciate your post.
I think I empathize a lot with hating yourself. If I think back, I imagine that feels a lot like being a burden. Or feeling like you’re just a drag on everyone around you. Perhaps it feels like being stuck in your head “too much” or feeling emotions really heavily. And not being able to really climb out of that hole.
At least, that is where my mind goes.
When I was younger, I blamed myself a lot for other people’s behavior. Like if I were better or nice or smarter than people would be kinder. Like I deserved how I was treated. It was a punishment of sort. I empathize with that thought so much. As I get older though, I’ve had to come to grips with the idea that, while I have a plethora of things I need to work on, so do other people.
I use to be a pretty paranoid partner. If my partner was hanging out with other people or talking to a guy friend - I was threatened and terrified. I felt inferior and uninteresting - scared of what happened if they found someone “better”.
In more than a few relationships, this behavior was bad. But being years removed from those relationships, i can also see that I often hopped into relationships with emotionally unavailable people or people with their own baggage.
While yes, I was a problem. I wasn’t the sole problem. And through that I’ve come to accept that to a number of people, I definitely was the worst. But I cannot go back and fix that either.
What I mean to say in all of this is that, life is complicated. And while I’ve been a problem for others, I dont exist entirely in the binary.
I hope you know that too. That despite having hangups - you aren’t intrinsically a problem to those around you.
You deserve kindness and grace and I hope you can find a way to give that to yourself.
I appreciate your post and your vulnerability and hope that things get better for you. You seem so thoughtful.
Hold fast, friend.