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Where did I go, will I ever return?

I really don’t feel like I can do this much longer. Tried so many meds, 3 different therapists. I just don’t know how to get back I constantly live in the past. I’ve been married twice and with those marriages came three healthy, beautiful little people. They watch me struggle everyday. I’ve not worked in nearly two years. Sometimes they leave because I know it’s too much for them to take in. I feel like such a horrible, vacant mother. They see me cry. They see the basic housework that just piles up. My mom, whom I used to talk to everyday, has become a stranger to me. She’s so disgusted and frustrated with me. I had a really great life before. Happy children, nice home, descent job and somehow managed to stay on top of everything. Now, four years later, I don’t know who the hell I am, not to mention who THAT person used to be. I feel like I’ve lived my life backwards. All of those amazing experiences have already happened and my journey is over. I cannot see hope anymore. I’m not even familiar with the reflection in the mirror. I’ve started drinking again pretty heavily. It’s not the answer. But for a very short time all of the self-loathing, regret and insane negative self-talk goes away. I’m tired of letting everyone down. I’m tired of hiding alone in my garage getting drunk, convincing myself that my run is over. I miss the person I used to be and don’t know how to find her.

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I’m sorry to hear your struggle, it must be hard to deal with mental illness and raise kids. Going through three therpist can be a lot of work. It bummer cause one guy I know did say, you could do everything right, still mental illness can be challenging. I hope you will be able to find your inner peace again!! Don’t give up, you are worth it.

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Hey Mandyjo0!

SarahK replied to your post with some words of encouragement live on Twitch!

Here is a link to the video if you would like to hear their reply for yourself.

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Hey @Mandyjo0,

Thank you so much for reaching out and being here. Really, it takes a lot of strength to acknowledge a situation that is not working and isn’t fulfilling. And since you’ve been quite on your own while holding some important responsibilities, then it’s even more courageous to allow yourself to be vulnerable and to say it. There is a situation there that isn’t fulfilling to you. You could have kept your head down and deny what’s going on. But that’s not what you’re doing. You are here. You are courageous. Reaching out the way you do is admirable.

We both have a different story of course, and I’m not a mom myself, but damn I feel for you, friend, so much. For the past two years I haven’t worked either. I feel so useless on daily basis. A real burden for my partner. Even though I’ve been lucky regarding therapy and meds, it feels like such a long journey, and a constant battle against myself to just handle the daily tasks of life. I’ve also cut ties with my family and have lost most of my social relationships the day I didn’t have any job anymore. Before all of this, it felt like I was finally putting my life together. I was less anxious, able to do more. Depression felt like something away from me. And in just two years, I’ve felt like regressig in so many areas. My heart goes out to you.

Nothing in your situation is disgusting or embarassing. Really. You didn’t choose to struggle. It’s not your fault. I have no doubt that if you could make a wish or have a magic wand, you’d be the person you were before and wouldn’t be afraid to hold many responsibilities. The struggle of being depressed is real, intense, overwhelming. Not many people understand, which is incredibly heartbreaking. But we do here. I understand how it is to have to thing, in the morning “okay, to wake up I need to put one foot on the ground, then another one”. How hard it is to accomplish tasks that were so easy before. All the physical and mental energy it costs.

You are right, alcohol is not the solution. Adn by saying this, you are making a huge first step: acknowledging an issue that you don’t need on the top of the others. It’s human and it makes sense to look after quick ways to cope and to feel better, even if it’s temporary. But you know how that kind of cycle works, and you don’t want to fall into that. If you feel like this is getting out of control, please don’t hesitate to seek therapy again, even with a different one. It’s incredibly frustrating to have to go through this process of trials and errors with therapist, but it’s so important to persevere until you find the right one for you. You deserve to be supported through all of this. Please, don’t stay alone with your struggles and regrets. There is no shame to have. What you are going through, how you feel, is human and valid.

I see you. I hear you. And sending a huge amount of hugs your way righ now. Let us know how we can support you through this difficult season. You are loved dearly. You have the strength that you need within you to go through this. But it’s also okay to be supported while you are figuring out how to do. You are not alone, friend.

What could be your next step from now on? It can be small. Anything. But something that would help you to empower yourself again, and feel a bit of control again in your life. :hrtlegolove:

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I want to thank all of you for the love and encouragement. I will continue to try, even though some days are much harder than others. It’s comforting to me to know there actually are others who struggle and understand this horrible disease. Love to each one of you!

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Still struggling. Some days are nearly impossible. I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be the same. My mom is not even speaking to me right now, the kids are suffering, I’ve isolated myself from everyone and everything. I don’t even feel like a person anymore. Psychiatrist tomorrow and therapist on Tuesday. Just wondering what the point is anymore. Never felt so hopeless in all my life. Those close to me are tired of hearing my broken record, and quite honestly, so am I.

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Hey @Mandyjo0,

Thank you for being here and for sharing your heart, still. It is especially during these times of deep hopelesness that we need to connect to others and rest in safe places. I see you. I hear you. You belong here. You are allowed to be a “broken record” if that is what you need. As long as you keep breaking the chains of isolation, because social withdrawing can be very dangerous when we feel at the end of our rope.

How did it go with your psychiatrist and your therapist? I’d love to hear some updates from you. Did you manage to let them know about how you feel these days?

You are loved and cared for. Hold on to the love that is available for you. Use the strength of the ones that are part of your life and want to help. It’s okay. :hrtlegolove:

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Isolation is VERY dangerous! I agree. Change of meds, again, with the psychiatrist. Therapist was a COMPLETE disappointment. Arrived early, no one told her I was there and checked in. So, I received about 15 minutes of my hour long session. Was very upset because I was to start EMDR therapy. Now I’ll be waiting nearly two weeks. Kids are starting school soon, have 3 birthdays in August. This has always been an expensive month for me. Being unemployed and having to spend nearly 8k of my savings at the dentist has put me on edge. I continue to try my best each day. Although, some days are far more exhausting than others. So, tomorrow, I shall try again. Thank you for reaching out. I love this forum, I find it to be very helpful. Have a good evening.

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Hey friend.

Best of luck with the new meds! It can be frustrating to have to switch to a new one and feel a bit like starting all over again, but it’s a good thing you’re doing right there. You deserve the help that would fit the best for you, including in terms of medications.

I’m so very sorry also for how it’s been with your therapist! I’ve been waiting to start EMDR with mine as well and can understand how much hope we can hold to something new to try! It’s unfortunate that you couldn’t benefit from it that time. I would be very upset too, especially since it’s the kind of dumb series of events that still have important consequences. :frowning: In the meantime and before your next meeting, I hope you’ll take care of yourself as much as possible. It is delayed, but it’s not cancelled. You will get there. :hrtlegolove:

It sounds that you’ve been doing a lot for your health as well, as with the dentist for example. These are things you can absolutely proud of! Although I understand the struggle of being unemployed and feeling like walking on a fine line sometimes. Being without a job in itself is stressful and overwhelming. I’m in the same situation as you, slowly trying to find a new job, but it gets hard to face daily the feeling of being a failure and not contributing to the finances of the house.

Keep trying again. One day at a time, always. As you know this month might be a little more stressful to you, then you know you might take it easy and be even more gentle with yourself. Take breaks when it’s needed. Breathe. You’re not alone. :hrtlegolove:

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