I don’t really know how to start things off. If I truly written everything down it would be easy to say that my life has been a train reck.
I will attempt to write a short version.
I am the only girl in my family, I have two older brothers. From what I understand over the years is that my parents should have never gotten married and had children. My father was always to himself, money tight (unless he wanted something), and angry. My mother was and still is, self centered, sexist towards women/girls, and impossible to communicate with.
With their lack of care and concern, and my mother’s bias against me, I sorely fell victim to abuse by my second older brother. Not only was I experiencing emotional abuse from my mother, I was also experiencing emotional and sexual abuse from my brother. All at a very furiously young age.
This abuse went on for a long time, and I was lead to believe that I was hated and adopted and that my family wanted me dead. And believe it or not I was raised to believe in God and everything. And of course I tried to follow teachings of forgiveness and tried to believe that things would change. Years went by and eventually as a small kid still I just began to pray for death, not for anything to happen to anyone else. Just me, as if I was the problem.
As a teenager I was still lead to believe that it was all my fault. And my anger inside and lack of any outlet or roll model lead me to lash out a lot. Mostly in attitudes then anything else. But my entire life I grew up feeling completely isolated and like the world was against me. My mother would never talk things though with me even when I became seriously suicidal.
Instead of anyone in my life taking the time to talk to me like they really cared beside the typical “how is school going” and then leaving it at that. Never truly asking me why I was always so quick to anger. My mom threw me in the mental health hospital and used it as a threat that I better behave or I was going to be staying in there sort of a thing. I was there for about three weeks, and I later found out that no one knew about it or even asked where I was.
You would think that the hospital would have helped or lead to my mom speaking to me finally but it did not. The therapist tried to speak with us and my mom flat out said she does not believe in depression and that basically what was happening was my fault.
Once she took me out of the hospital she tried to take me to child services and hand me over because she “couldnt handle me anymore” but they refused to take me as I was already 16 and would have zero success is what they said.
From that point, I simply focused on my grades and tried everything in my power to be a “good child/person” and earn my mom’s affection. Which never did happen. I soon graduated and of course dreamed of college like most people do but my mom didnt believe in me. She instead would guilt me into feeling unsafe to go to college and also unsafe to even get a job. And so for a whole year I was just trapped in the house wondering if I was even going to be allowed to have a life.
Now mind you I had zero people to confine in and zero roll models, and also zero hope for having a real chance at life. I took the advice to do online dating. And got married at the young age of 20.
Fast forward and lots of ups and downs and hard work to make the marriage work. I am now 28 with three children. I decided to walk away completely from my side of the family because of how much it was affecting me to see that things still didnt change. And my mother still favors her sons and her sons children. And she still views me as this “selfish” person.
My mom still tries to send my kids things and I told her that she needs to talk things out with me if she wants a relationship with them or else stop sending stuff, but she refuses to pick from those options.
At this point in time I wish I could get rid of my sadness and need for wanting a full loving and supportive family from my side. I wish I could forget all of my memories. But new ones still fluid in as I watch my kids grow. And with each memory I am appalled by how little my family cared to notice what either they were doing or how I was doing.
It is still hard to shake to feeling of isolation and like the world is against me even to this day. It has made it beyond difficult to make friends and relate to anyone. I wish I didnt feel sad any more. I wish I didnt have this feeling of need for a parental figure anymore. I wish I didnt get sad anymore in general when it comes to family things. Almost everything is a reminder, such as birthdays and holidays, ect.
Though I continue to focus on my family I created and my work. I still will feel lonely/empty/sad time to time.
