Where do I start really?

I don’t really know how to start things off. If I truly written everything down it would be easy to say that my life has been a train reck.

I will attempt to write a short version.

I am the only girl in my family, I have two older brothers. From what I understand over the years is that my parents should have never gotten married and had children. My father was always to himself, money tight (unless he wanted something), and angry. My mother was and still is, self centered, sexist towards women/girls, and impossible to communicate with.

With their lack of care and concern, and my mother’s bias against me, I sorely fell victim to abuse by my second older brother. Not only was I experiencing emotional abuse from my mother, I was also experiencing emotional and sexual abuse from my brother. All at a very furiously young age.

This abuse went on for a long time, and I was lead to believe that I was hated and adopted and that my family wanted me dead. And believe it or not I was raised to believe in God and everything. And of course I tried to follow teachings of forgiveness and tried to believe that things would change. Years went by and eventually as a small kid still I just began to pray for death, not for anything to happen to anyone else. Just me, as if I was the problem.

As a teenager I was still lead to believe that it was all my fault. And my anger inside and lack of any outlet or roll model lead me to lash out a lot. Mostly in attitudes then anything else. But my entire life I grew up feeling completely isolated and like the world was against me. My mother would never talk things though with me even when I became seriously suicidal.

Instead of anyone in my life taking the time to talk to me like they really cared beside the typical “how is school going” and then leaving it at that. Never truly asking me why I was always so quick to anger. My mom threw me in the mental health hospital and used it as a threat that I better behave or I was going to be staying in there sort of a thing. I was there for about three weeks, and I later found out that no one knew about it or even asked where I was.

You would think that the hospital would have helped or lead to my mom speaking to me finally but it did not. The therapist tried to speak with us and my mom flat out said she does not believe in depression and that basically what was happening was my fault.

Once she took me out of the hospital she tried to take me to child services and hand me over because she “couldnt handle me anymore” but they refused to take me as I was already 16 and would have zero success is what they said.

From that point, I simply focused on my grades and tried everything in my power to be a “good child/person” and earn my mom’s affection. Which never did happen. I soon graduated and of course dreamed of college like most people do but my mom didnt believe in me. She instead would guilt me into feeling unsafe to go to college and also unsafe to even get a job. And so for a whole year I was just trapped in the house wondering if I was even going to be allowed to have a life.

Now mind you I had zero people to confine in and zero roll models, and also zero hope for having a real chance at life. I took the advice to do online dating. And got married at the young age of 20.

Fast forward and lots of ups and downs and hard work to make the marriage work. I am now 28 with three children. I decided to walk away completely from my side of the family because of how much it was affecting me to see that things still didnt change. And my mother still favors her sons and her sons children. And she still views me as this “selfish” person.

My mom still tries to send my kids things and I told her that she needs to talk things out with me if she wants a relationship with them or else stop sending stuff, but she refuses to pick from those options.
At this point in time I wish I could get rid of my sadness and need for wanting a full loving and supportive family from my side. I wish I could forget all of my memories. But new ones still fluid in as I watch my kids grow. And with each memory I am appalled by how little my family cared to notice what either they were doing or how I was doing.

It is still hard to shake to feeling of isolation and like the world is against me even to this day. It has made it beyond difficult to make friends and relate to anyone. I wish I didnt feel sad any more. I wish I didnt have this feeling of need for a parental figure anymore. I wish I didnt get sad anymore in general when it comes to family things. Almost everything is a reminder, such as birthdays and holidays, ect.

Though I continue to focus on my family I created and my work. I still will feel lonely/empty/sad time to time.


First off welcome to the community! I do hope you feel safe and loved here.
Second, I’m so sorry for the things you have had to experience and for the way your mother handled it all. I want you to know that it’s not your fault and that no amount of abused and mistreatment will ever be deserved.

I imagine how isolated and alone you must’ve felt as a child being pushed aside and dismissed like that. It’s interesting that your mum had you placed in a hospital setting when she is saying she doesn’t believe mental illness is real. I know those people who think that you just have to “be happy” and you’re just a negative person because depression is all just something you can get over.
It’s frustrating to try voice those feelings to people who haven’t experienced it and who don’t believe you.

May I ask if you stayed in child services after that point or were you taken back to that family setting? It’s not fair to expect a child to just be quiet and behave, it’s such an old traditionalist mindset to expect children to be never seen or heard really.
It’s incredibly isolating. My heart really empathises for you and I wish you didn’t have to struggle with feeling so alone.
I’m so happy you have some beautiful children in your life, do you have a partner or other people who are supportive close by?

It does take time to heal from the things that have been such a big impact on us, especially when the people involved are still present and contact us.
I do hope that some day she will find it in herself to reach out and actually talk to you about the things that happened and actually listen to you and how it affected you.

It’s understandable that you have times of feeling empty/sad/lonely. I think anyone would if they weren’t connected to their family and longed for some answers or resolve.
Have you spoken to a professional at all about what you’ve experienced? Gosh you have to be proud of yourself. I know I am. It may not feel like you’ve made progress, but you certainly have become your own person and placed your own boundaries which is a huge thing.


Thank you for the reply and support!

After my mom attempted to drop me off to child services. They refused to take me. So I had to return to my family house setting and fulling knowing that I wasnt wanted.

I have my husband of going on 8 years now but Im sure he’s heard enough. The only answers he gives me now is to focus on our kids and our work, which I do. He just wont fully understand because he was an only child to parents that he knows for a fact that truly love him.

I have not had the chance to see a therapist. I have been thinking about it. But I dont really have the time.
Id love to get more in-depth answers and understanding for sure. But I guess it will just have to wait for now.

Literally all of my family on my side have been manipulated to believe my mom that I am just a “selfish” person and ungrateful child/teenager/person. So I do not speak to anyone since I have been made the black sheep or outcast from as little as 6 years old.

And from what I have learned through my husband, the people whom I thought were my friends, arent really good friends.


I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for you, and the burden that rested on your shoulders due to that. I hope know that it isn’t your fault the way you were treated. No child should be made to feel their existence is unwanted. No person should have to live through bearing the burdens of mental health alone with no support.
Did anything happen with your brother? This big thing happened and nobody seemed to acknowledge it.

It’s so hard for people who don’t personally know what it’s like to understand. They don’t realise that even though you do have the beautiful things around you, that you can’t control how mental health affects you.

You are definitely not a selfish person, you were treated so unfairly. You do deserve so much love and to be able to heal. I understand not having much time, maybe it’s something that you can talk to your husband about and he will have to step up and take on a few extra things for you so you can do this. You deserve that healing.
You are so so loved. I appreciate you being here. You are seen and heard and valued.


Hello there,

I want to welcome to HeartSupport & thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, so we can show you love & support. I also want to say that I love your user name. It shows your bravery & courage in the face of all the things that you have been through.

As someone who has had a childhood that wasn’t ideal, I can relate to this so much. Are you being supported & loved by your hubby’s side of the family? Are you able to confide in him about all of these things? If you are looking for a professional to talk to, you can get a seven-day trial with BetterHelp to find someone for you as well as for you & your hubby together. I have used it a handful of times & it is a great resource.

When it comes to the gifts that she is sending to your kids, would it help anything to send them back to her? Maybe, she could start understanding that you have boundaries & she needs to respect them. I know how that can be difficult at times, but it might be worth it in the long run. You cannot control or decide your mother’s thoughts & opinions of you, but you can decide your plan of action is for you…as well as your family. From what I have read from your post, you sound like a strong & amazing person. Thank you for allowing us to come alongside you & support you.

You are important. You are valid. You are enough. You are strong. You are wonderful. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

“Strength isn’t something we all naturally have, it is something we do and then become”

  • Rachel D. Greenwell

From: Lisalovesfeathers

/Hi Friend, Welcome to Heartsupport and Thank you so much for being so brave and strong and sharing this part of your story with us. First of all can I please say to you that you are an incredible young woman who has been through so much and I admire you immensely and then I want to tell you how very sorry I am for the way you have been treated.

The treatment you had growing up was beyond wrong and I hope that you know that none of it was ever your fault and you did absolutely nothing to deserve it. I can certainly understand why you now wish to both distance yourself from that side of the family and yet crave a loving happy family connection too, Its completely understandable to want that nice little clan that gather on occasions merrily together but you do have that now with your own little group, your beautiful children and husband who will all grow and come together but you have so much that you have to manage that its important that you can find time to take care of you. Is it at all possible for your husband to take care of your children for an hour a week so you can go to therapy? it would make such a huge difference in your life im sure.

In the meantime friend, please post here whenever you wish, you now have friends here that you can confide in and lean on whenever you wish, with no judgement. You are loved and you matter. Lisalovesfeathers. x


From: Mamadien

ExtremelyKind, first of all welcome to the HS community. I’m so glad you are here. I hope you find that you are surrounded by people who care and find value in what you have to say. You are not invisible here. Your experience sounds very similar to mine when I was growing up in that I was not wanted by my mother as a child. The sexual abuse rings true in my life as well. What I found was the most painful was what you said about wishing for the healthy and loving relationship with your parents and not receiving it. That is what can hurt the most - the unmet expectations. We all have those dreams of loving and supportive families and some of us never quite get to experience it with our bio family. It’s hard to release and grieve what you’ve wanted in your heart for so many years, even when you know it isn’t likely to happen. But give yourself permission to mourn what you wish you had had. You are wise to want to seek counseling and if you can find a way to make time for it - you would be investing in yourself as person, wife, mother. There is a link here at the HS website for BetterHelp which offers online counseling similar to attending in person counseling. Perhaps that is an option. You truly deserve to care for yourself and you are worth investing in. Please think about making time for you. You are loved. You are valued. You are worth it. Please let me know how you are getting on through this.


From: Dr Hogarth :rainbow:

Hi ExtremelyKind,

Welcome to HS and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Reading your post broke my heart; that’s such a lot of pain for a person to bear on their own. As children, we have every right to believe and expect that our parents will protect us. That’s their role and when they don’t it’s devasting and makes forging trusting relationships in the future so difficult. The first relationships we have are with our family and they set the template for all future relationships. You were let down in so many ways by your family and I am truly sorry for that.

From my own experience of having an emotionally abusive parent, I’ve started to come to terms with what they did. In my understanding, all abusers live in a fantasy; a world where they are the victims and everyone around them is resonsible for making them the way they are. Living with an irrational person like this is so destructive, especially when they’re someone you should be able to trust. They gaslight you, making you feel that you are responsible for everything in the situation, forcing you into their fantasy. A big part of my journey in processing my abuse was to see that fantasy for what it is; a delusion, the product of someone who is too afraid to face reality. You are so such stronger than that person who lives in a fictional world; you face reality face-on. After everything, that’s remarkable and I hope some day you’ll see that you are a pretty incredible person for surviving this.

You deserve to be able to talk about your past. The past isn’t something that is just over-and-done with, it shapes who we are. When it comes to trauma, our minds can become stuck in the past because we are unable to process it. There are therapists who are specially trained to help people process tramatic memories and I really think that you would find this immensely valuable. Give it some thought.

Anytime you want to reach out, we’re here x


Thank you Bimini for your support.

For what happened to my second oldest brother whom abused me- I have reason to believe that my mom doesnt really even believe that he even did anything because he is her perfect son. That could be why she never listen to me. When I was the age of 16 I accidentally slipped up and told a coach something about my family that lead her to ask more and bring child services in. Which lead to CS to search for my brother because they wanted to charge him and make him go into juvenile detention. But my mom didnt want that to happy so she helped him escape it. And I was at fault for forcing her to have no choice but to sell her house and quit her job and moved us to cross country. Where my brother was later pushed to join the military. He will probably never be charged or anything. He is medically discharged and has a family. We dont talk or see each other as we live very far away and there really isnt much to say anymore.


That is really heart breaking, and I am genuinely sorry that you were hurt like that and nobody spoke up for you.
You never ever deserved that and nobody had the right to hurt you.
I understand that it was probably hard for your mother because it’s her child, but you were also her child and deserved protecting.


Thank you StarFix for you supportive reply.

As far as my in laws go and my husband’s side of the family- I do not confined in my in laws or any of his family. My husbands parents are difficult to talk to with there being a slight language barrier. And they are more focused on their own interest (more like additions, their only interests is in gambling).

Basically my husbands entire family is very much into gambling and social celebrity trends (which tend to be judgmental). Their typical response towards emotion trauma is “thats not my problem” and ignore you forever.

For example- we had his cousin over and everyone was on the conversation on parental favorites and I had mentioned that my mom’s only favorite people are my brothers. And we all had a laugh about it but since then they are awkward towards me now and never speak to me.

Thank you Lisa for your supportive reply

I have thought about going to therapy for many years now, usually what held me back was insurance. Now-a-days I have insurance that will cover it but I live far away from all the local therapists. And with my husband being the only one working at this time. I can understand that now may not be the time as it would cast alot in gas to do a weekly appointment. I cannot do online services if they dont take my insurance because we just can’t afford it. Three kids has proved to be spendy food wise lol. And everything is rising in price lately.

But rest assured I will definitely try when the everything works out to allow it. I am glad that I gave this a chance. With age it has helped with feeling more comfortable talking about it. I know that also talking about it can help others in a way as well.

With everything that I have been through, I cannot express enough just how important it is to me, how others feel on the inside and the safety of children. So I am glad to have stumbled upon this community.

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Thank you Mamadien for your supportive reply!

I am so sorry that you experienced similar things as me. No words can really erase it. But good memories and people can. Even though bad memories will come up here and there, I have still been able to manage. Playing with my kids, or spending time with my husband, or drawing do help. Also helping others or making others laugh tend to help as well. I truly hope you are doing well as well. Stuff like this is difficult sometimes to brush off your mind when you get reminded. And I can honestly say that speaking about it on here has truly help take some weight off my shoulders. Honestly the only people I have really spoken fully about this too would be my husband. So this has really helped me, to speak and get other opinions/perspectives and support.

I would definitely like to personally thank everyone, I may have had to use a tissue box or two as I read and wrote back to everyone lol

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Thank you Dr Hogarth,

Your perspective about how my mom lives in this delusion was definitely something I didn’t see and has definitely opened my eyes. I truly do want to seek professional help because I know that it well help me see things that I couldn’t or that my husband couldn’t. Because there is still so much that I couldn’t fit in since I tried to keep it short. So thank so much!

Hi again @ExtremelyKind

I just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know that you are still being thought about and cared for and to check that you have been ok since you posted?
I too am very grateful that you stumbled upon this community.
Much Love
Lisalovesfeathers :green_heart:

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Hey @Lisalovesfeathers Thank you for checking on me. I truly do feel better after sharing! I have noticed that with my oldest being the age that I was when I lived through all the abuse has made me remember memories that I had forgotten and of course will make me stuck in the past for a day or two. Not to mention because my oldest can actually notice and ask questions of why we do not see or speak to my family, which can be hard to answer. I still don’t really like speaking badly of people but I had made a oath a long time ago to only speak truth. So I have to still inform the kids over the years of why my side is broken in the hopes they never repeat any of it. And hopefully teach them to value what we have.

One question I do have that bothers me is why my mom chose to make her own father name me when I was born. Growing up she spoke badly of him, and him and her were never on good speaking terms. As to what he chose to name me, he named me after his late wife ( my mom’s mother’s name). My grandmother had supposedly passed away several months after my mom had realized she was pregnant with me. According to my mom, she caught my grandfather cheating on my grandmother while she was in the hospital on her death bed. So I do not understand why she would allow someone whom she felt anger and betrayal from to name her own child. It almost makes it seem like I never really had a chance from the beginning. And it is not as though they made up before I was born because my grandfather went on the marry the women that he was cheating on my grandmother with without anyone knowing. And continued to demand for personal belongings that we my grandmothers that she passed on to my mom.

My family really is a big mess of bad history :woman_facepalming:

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Hey @ExtremelyKind
I am really pleased posting here has been some benefit to you, I understand that this does not fix people or their problems but it really does help to be able to get some of your worries out and just to be heard and not be judged in the process so thats fabulous.
I cannot even begin to know how you feel with regards to your children, it indeed must be very strange to see yourself as a child when you look at them and see their innocence and it take you back, that sounds really hard but you know one you do know when you look at you little ones is that your love for your children is real, you children are safe and protected. I know that doesnt fix what happended to you but goodness you have powered forward and are raising your children as a wonderful parent and I hope you are proud of yourself for that.
As for what to tell them, I think you have that down, honesty will always win, I think you have to be age appropriate of course but one day a child will only ask you why did you not tell me the truth so you may as well start off the right way. (good for you)
The name thing is interesting isnt it? I have been thinking about it and have come up with a couple of possabililites that you have probably already thought of but ill write them anyway. I wondered if either it was something that was done in your family until it just stopped (the girl gets named after the the grandmother ) or maybe he had made a promise long before that if ever there was a girl born she would have her name and even though they had, had problems and she had passed he felt he had to honour that promise?? it could be any reason but although its seems odd, I am hoping it was done out of love and respect of your grandmother and that she was happy that you had her name.
Love LIsa x


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