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Where I am in my life atm

It’s been too long friends!

I honestly don’t know where to start…

Last year my best friend passed away and with that my life hit a new lowest of the low. The depression and anxiety was and sometimes is still excruciating. The rough moments still come, but they aren’t as often. I almost died at the beginning of the year due to Covid Double Lung Pneumonia. While in the hospital, I cannot describe to you the deep loneliness that I felt because I couldn’t have any visitors. I didn’t see any of my loved ones for almost a full month. I was having strong full body panic attacks while I was there. I felt like my life had no meaning and I couldn’t see myself being alive in the next 5 years.

After I got out of the hospital, my husband, daughter and myself had to immediately pack everything in our apartment and move because we couldn’t afford to pay the rent. Luckily, my parents and my sister and her husband were able to help us because I was still connected to an oxygen machine and couldn’t do any physical labor. We ended up having to move into my granny’s house as she had already moved out in with my parents (which was drama all on its own). It was a fast change, and while it was difficult, I’m grateful that it worked out the way it did. (Also I’m still unpacking things even though we moved at the end of January!)

I started seeing a new counselor about the beginning of April and I’m completely grateful that I have met her.

Around the time that I started seeing her, my granny had a Bells Palsy stroke which resulted in a CT that revealed a mass in her brain that was in a hard place to operate on. After trying to talk with the doctors about options, she had a really bad fall that resulted in having to take her to the ER. So we were instructed to get an MRI from her chest and up. This revealed that she had two more masses in her neck area with the larger of the two pushing against her wind pipe. We have no word on those masses right now, but my granny has made her opinion quite clear that she does not… want to get them biopsied. She doesn’t want anything to do with surgery or needles. She has no trust in doctors or the healthcare system. I’m hoping they can find a way to do at least something for her.

But…

With all the bad being said, my family and I all got some great news today from my granny’s doctor visit with the oncologist about the brain mass. It is NOT cancerous!!! There is a little bit of concern that the top part is started to push on her optic nerves, but it is not negatively affecting her sight. The doctor does want another MRI in 6 months to keep an eye on the mass.

Through all of this it has been incredibly difficult to get where I am mentally. It’s definitely been a pain-staking process with too many emotional days. But in the past couple of weeks I have finally started feeling at a good level with my mentality and emotions. I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m making progress and I’m continuing to fight for my life. I have learned that my existence IS important. I AM loved. And it’s okay to show myself love. I want everyone going through something to know how valuable they are to themselves and everyone around them. Self-care isn’t easy to learn when you’ve been living without it for so long. But, I have learned that if I stop expecting instant results and grow with the process the end results are even better than I can imagine. One day, I hope that I can help as many (if not, more) as all the ones who have been there for me and helped me to see that living is important. Situations aren’t forever. They may last a long time, but they are NOT forever.

… Also, A HUGE thank you to everyone that has been there for me on here as well. You guys were here for me when I felt like I had no one. I hope your lives are filled with blessings and I hope that this can give someone else some hope.

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Hello new friend! (i’m the new one here, lol!)
This just about made me cry with joy to read!

I hope this message reaches all the hearts and brains that need it! Thank you for sharing your journey and your progress, I wish you all the best and much more progress! Glad you’re here with us!

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Dear @voiceless_wonder,

It is such a joy to see you here and read these updates! Thank you so much for taking the time to share it with us. You’ve been through so much in a short amount of time, and I remember that you just started to have your first meeting with your therapist when you posted. Needless to say how glad I am for you when reading this:

I started seeing a new counselor about the beginning of April and I’m completely grateful that I have met her.

For many people it takes time to find the right counselor, but it seems that it’s been working well for you so far! You did it! You managed to take a leap and step out of your comfort zone to get some needed help. I’m beyond proud of you for not having given up on therapy. I imagine that there was some times of doubts and when meetings were more or less draining. But you’re still taking those steps. You haven’t given up on your right to be helped, and that’s freaking wonderful!

What a relief also for your granny and the recent news from the doctor. Oof! At least, the possibility of a cancer is away now! This hould have been very stressful to you. All of this process of being in this uncertainty and having for only option to wait for a diagnosis to be defined… It’s also hard to see someone you love not trusting doctors and refusing some procedures. After my brother passed away, we’ve learned that it was because of a genetic disease that came from my mom, and her mom before. My mother as a result doesn’t want to do any preventive test and screening either. Even though our relationship is non-existent right now, I wish she considered the option to receive some medical care in case she happens to develop the disease too. The perspective of having to go through the same that we went through with my brother is already painful. But we can’t force someone who doesn’t want to receive the care they need… We can only learn to accept and compose with their decision, also to understand the reasons behind as much as possible. I imagine your granny’s defiance towards doctors don’t come from nowhere either. It’s human. It’s understandable. :hrtlegolove:

I keep all my fingers crossed for her and the evolution of this mass. Your family and you are in my thoughts.

I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m making progress and I’m continuing to fight for my life. I have learned that my existence IS important. I AM loved. And it’s okay to show myself love. I want everyone going through something to know how valuable they are to themselves and everyone around them. Self-care isn’t easy to learn when you’ve been living without it for so long. But, I have learned that if I stop expecting instant results and grow with the process the end results are even better than I can imagine.

I relate to your words so much. It’s so hard to learn to be patient with ourselves when we’ve always expected too much and too quickly, while we would have given all the time and grace of the world to the people we love! Definitely a process that takes place slowly. But at least, it is because it’s slow that you’re making sure that this progress is strong and will be a solid ground in the long run. You’re not seeing self-care as being a house of cards anymore. You dare to do the work, to dig deep, to embrace the subtleties, all of these moments made of vulnerability and resilience. For so long I thought that resilience took place at different times than rest. It took me years to realize that both can happen at the same time, and it actually help us move forward in a more solid way.

One day, I hope that I can help as many (if not, more) as all the ones who have been there for me and helped me to see that living is important. Situations aren’t forever. They may last a long time, but they are NOT forever.

I have no doubt that you will. Actually, you are already doing so. By sharing your story and these inspiring words. It is 100% encouraging. Helping is also manifested through your own honesty and vulnerability. These parts of you, of your journey, are highly valuable to any person who can relate to it. I relate to these realizations that you’ve been having and the way you’ve been progressing. So much. :hrtlegolove:

… Also, A HUGE thank you to everyone that has been there for me on here as well. You guys were here for me when I felt like I had no one. I hope your lives are filled with blessings and I hope that this can give someone else some hope.

Never forget that the strength you have found has always been there within you! Sometimes we just need to meet the right environment to dare taking some steps forward.

You’re beautiful! Keep shining brightly. Light suits you so well! :hrtlegolove:

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Micro, I love you! Lol! You are the absolute best! I’m sorry you’ve been going through things as well. I’m so happy that I can encourage you to keep on going. It’s not easy this thing they call life. I have found that connections - the good kind - make it much more barrable. I know there are a lot of people here that are going through more difficult situations than I, but we all still have the ability to connect with other souls that will be there for us and fight for us when we can’t find the will to fight anymore. They will fight with us as we trek the unknown paths that are thrown at us. Pioneering emotions and situations aren’t popular, but we all forget that it’s the first ones that carve the paths for others to navigate and make better. We CAN do this thing! We can LIVE and not just exist! But are we willing to try and try again? I get so lost in the thought that failure is the end. But it’s not, is it? That’s how we learn. That’s how we grow. I’m so thankful that I can call you friend. You encourage me as well! I’ll be praying for you and your family!

:hrtlegolove: :hrtlovefist:

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Thank you, new friend! =]

I really appreciate the love!

:hrtlegolove: :hrtlovefist:

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