It’s been too long friends!
I honestly don’t know where to start…
Last year my best friend passed away and with that my life hit a new lowest of the low. The depression and anxiety was and sometimes is still excruciating. The rough moments still come, but they aren’t as often. I almost died at the beginning of the year due to Covid Double Lung Pneumonia. While in the hospital, I cannot describe to you the deep loneliness that I felt because I couldn’t have any visitors. I didn’t see any of my loved ones for almost a full month. I was having strong full body panic attacks while I was there. I felt like my life had no meaning and I couldn’t see myself being alive in the next 5 years.
After I got out of the hospital, my husband, daughter and myself had to immediately pack everything in our apartment and move because we couldn’t afford to pay the rent. Luckily, my parents and my sister and her husband were able to help us because I was still connected to an oxygen machine and couldn’t do any physical labor. We ended up having to move into my granny’s house as she had already moved out in with my parents (which was drama all on its own). It was a fast change, and while it was difficult, I’m grateful that it worked out the way it did. (Also I’m still unpacking things even though we moved at the end of January!)
I started seeing a new counselor about the beginning of April and I’m completely grateful that I have met her.
Around the time that I started seeing her, my granny had a Bells Palsy stroke which resulted in a CT that revealed a mass in her brain that was in a hard place to operate on. After trying to talk with the doctors about options, she had a really bad fall that resulted in having to take her to the ER. So we were instructed to get an MRI from her chest and up. This revealed that she had two more masses in her neck area with the larger of the two pushing against her wind pipe. We have no word on those masses right now, but my granny has made her opinion quite clear that she does not… want to get them biopsied. She doesn’t want anything to do with surgery or needles. She has no trust in doctors or the healthcare system. I’m hoping they can find a way to do at least something for her.
But…
With all the bad being said, my family and I all got some great news today from my granny’s doctor visit with the oncologist about the brain mass. It is NOT cancerous!!! There is a little bit of concern that the top part is started to push on her optic nerves, but it is not negatively affecting her sight. The doctor does want another MRI in 6 months to keep an eye on the mass.
Through all of this it has been incredibly difficult to get where I am mentally. It’s definitely been a pain-staking process with too many emotional days. But in the past couple of weeks I have finally started feeling at a good level with my mentality and emotions. I’m still not where I want to be, but I’m making progress and I’m continuing to fight for my life. I have learned that my existence IS important. I AM loved. And it’s okay to show myself love. I want everyone going through something to know how valuable they are to themselves and everyone around them. Self-care isn’t easy to learn when you’ve been living without it for so long. But, I have learned that if I stop expecting instant results and grow with the process the end results are even better than I can imagine. One day, I hope that I can help as many (if not, more) as all the ones who have been there for me and helped me to see that living is important. Situations aren’t forever. They may last a long time, but they are NOT forever.
… Also, A HUGE thank you to everyone that has been there for me on here as well. You guys were here for me when I felt like I had no one. I hope your lives are filled with blessings and I hope that this can give someone else some hope.
