Who am I? An Introduction to Me

[Sapphire]

You can call me Sapphire.

I joined this site because I, like many of you, seek understanding, as well as the ability to help people.

I am a middle aged, married female living in the United States Midwest. I moved around a lot as a kid and was raised by my grandparents, for a while, my God mom for a while, and my mom and step dad for a while.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with Personality Disorder NOS with a mix of Avoidant Personality and Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. I was also diagnosed with Social Phobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Transient Depression, all resulting from my upbringing. My parents were emotionally and intellectually abusive when they weren’t neglectful, and they were also physically abusive toward my brother. Eventually he and I ran away from home when we were about 15.

While he stayed with friends I basically couch surfed for 6 years, it was the lowest point of my life. This was when I was diagnosed with the above conditions and nearly starved. At the worst point I would only eat once a week because the local library had free movie days once a week and they would give me extra popcorn since they knew my situation. But I digress.

I received the diagnosis because I needed a psychological evaluation to get into Job Corps because by this point in my life I’d given up all hope. I had no self esteem. I had no control, I was so used to my life being run for me. At Job Corps I truly found myself and met my husband, the best man I know.

Over the years I feel I have made great progress dealing with my depression as I very rarely exhibit symptoms anymore. The anxiety is still very much there but I feel like I can wrangle it better, especially since my husband is very supportive of me and helps me through my panic attacks and, when in public, we have an ‘abort’ signal if it becomes too much for me (Social phobia). If this happens we leave the situation immediately so it doesn’t escalate to a panic attack. It doesn’t always work but I appreciate that he tries.

Try as I might however, I cannot seem to get a hold of my personality disorder. The Obsessive Compulsive Personality traits make living with myself especially difficult as I suffer from extreme perfectionism and workaholism, and I tend to overthink things and harshly criticize myself, further feeding my anxiety. I hope to find others here with similar experiences with this disorder so I can figure out how to get a handle on it. I don’t take anxiety meds and I’m currently looking for a therapist in my area that my insurance will cover.

If you’re still reading this, thanks for taking the time to get to know me and I look forward to meeting you.

[ce_stanley]

Hey Sapphire,
Thanks for sharing your story! I can only imagine the experiences you dealt with in your upbringing. I had a rough childhood with my mother who had bipolar disorder and drank heavy on top of that, and she could be verbally and physically abusive. Eventually she was cut free from her “ball&chain” addiction and joined our Heavenly Father upstairs but the memories of my youth still somewhat haunt to this day. My Father was the rock I needed throughout my teen years but I could tell he was being strong for me. Sometimes I feel like I can be diagnosed with some of the conditions you stated above but I’ve never given anyone the chance to diagnose me. Just wanted to say Hey! I see you! And I pray you find what you need to come into control with your situation and overcome any obstacles the world may throw at you!

-Elijah

[Sapphire]

I totally understand the mother situation as my mother has Paranoid Schizophrenia and is also an alcoholic. For this reason my anxiety tends to spike anywhere there is alcohol being consumed. I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with these things also, as I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

It is always nice to know however that one is not alone in their experience and I thank you for the kind wishes.

[Micro]

I just read your introduction story - that you shared bravely. It’s been a moment since you posted this, but I wanted to thank you for sharing, also to celebrate your perseverance through all the hardships you’ve been facing.

There are moments of your own story that are very relatable to me. Coming from an abusive family, witnessing a sibling being physically abused, leaving your family too early in life and without being prepared, not having a place of your own, knowing what starving truly means. The details you give are relatable to me, but it’s still wrapped by so much shame that I still don’t really know how to share these. Everything at its own time.

Not mentioning depression, anxiety, perfectionism and workaholism… I guess having high standards is life saving sometimes. At least that’s how it felt for me. It gives a purpose, a direction, but it’s not suitable in the long run.

In short words: I admire your honesty. I respect your strength. Thank you, really, for giving this community the opportunity to know you better. You seem to be very aware of what you’ve been through, also that it can be a long process to heal. This self-awareness that you have, that I can feel through your words, is a huge strength.

I look forward the restoration, healing and peace you deserve. Thank you for being here, Sapphire. And thank you for all the love you reflect on others here.

[Sapphire]

I found that the best way for me to start to get better was to talk openly about what happened. It basically forced all those bad memories out. Well… At least the ones I’m willing to talk about with people. There are still lots of things that I need to work out but they are more personal, which is probably why I’m still needing help. But it’s good to know that you know how it feels - not that is happened to you but that you know what it’s like to have a similar journey. Thanks for the well wishes and I’m glad I found this place to help others.

[Pengyou]

Hi Sapphire, I really care about you and want to be your friend.