Who am I? Who are we?

Hi, this a post from a couple days ago, but I never fully posted it because I didn’t know if this was important enough to talk about or not, and because I didn’t want to post it during a time I felt mentally unstable. So when my stability came back, and i could think clearer, I decided it was. This is about one of my alters named Mori, and a fight we got into the other night:

Mori started talking, they keep insisting they were the original core, and I’m the fake one, I’m losing my shit. They say that I’ve been denying it for years and throwing them to the back, because we split and I decided I was the real one. They say we split from medications and I threw them back when I realized I was male, and I took their life. They’re saying that I’m acting like an impostor, they’re saying they know more than me. They’re saying the reason I feel so childish and act socially and academically younger than I am is because I wasn’t here first, they were. I can’t even tell if it’s in my head or not. I’ve had Mori for years but I didn’t want to beleive they existed, I really don’t know what to do. They want front back, and they’ve been doing it by blending with me and pretending I’m still me, by feeding me quiet fears and words. They know how to scare me, they know how to calm me down. They know how to manipulate me. But they also act like they know everything so they can scare me, so idek if they’re right or they’re just insane. Because they don’t lie. I just want them to shutup. They say if I choose to block them out again I can, but they’re screaming “just let me speak!” but I can’t trust them. I’m afraid of what they would do. Please just tell me they aren’t real. I don’t want this alter in our life, ugh SHUTUP.

They’re saying I can pretend they’re fake, but they’ll always be there, and their proof is that I have never felt connected to this world, and never felt real, never recognized my body. But they were the one that said they hated humans and always said they weren’t human, so why would I be the fake one? They’re saying it’s because they know how to move around in the world more than I do. I would say let’s bet who can function better in body for a day but I don’t want to take that chance and not come back. That terrifies me. God please no. Don’t make me go back… I know exactly what they’re gonna do if we ever switch, and I dont want to change that about myself, I wanna be me I don’t want them to change the mindset. For now blocking is working, but every week they get closer to me, and to front. Other headmates can only just watch, because they don’t know enough except Niko, I feel like Niko could help us but he’s just a kid, but he’s also one of the first in the system, aside from Mori. Kio just thought that maybe they can’t help us because I keep avoiding the fact that it’s possible I’m not whole. That I threw away a part of myself, but Mori says they were here first. I don’t beleive this. Idk if Mori is even lying because they have always told the truth and I very well know that because we can feel eachothers intent.
Niko is telling me they aren’t real, but on the off chance they are, I mean. Shit. I can’t tell whether I’m insane or this is real. Why is my life constantly like this.
Syra cut them off of front for me, but it doesn’t feel right. It just feels like im avoiding something really important.
Am I… Burying the truth?
Or is Mori just an illusion of my paranoia?
I listened to that song again, and now I feel okay. Idk which reality is real. Which one to live. But I keep forgetting that reality is a choice.

I feel better now, they don’t feel real anymore. When I come back to myself, I can talk to my headmates again, it’s only when It is around that almost everyone vanishes.

I’m going to take my medicine and sleep. I think there are quiet triggers they use to manipulate themselves here and they do it for long periods where it starts as something small but gets bigger and bigger and then they’re back.

As long as I know this, I know what to do. It’s not real. None of it was ever real. I’m okay…

(right?)

-X

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Hi Systemofconfusion
I can see that you had a very hard couple of days. Stalkers, trust issues and now this. I am sorry that you have so much to deal with. I have never dealt with what you have but I will try to help you. I may not know what it is like to have headmates but i know what it is like to have your head in a state of confusion. I know what it is like not knowing what is the truth and what are just the things your mind tells you. It is scary. It feels like your whole reality can turn on its head any minute.

It can be so strange. Like the world outside is standing still but the world inside is storms and turmoil. Sometimes i just wanted to scream shut up and bang my head against a wall. I want to give you a few tips that might help you when your mind is being like that. At least some of them might work. First lets get some water. Try to take a cold shower. It does not really have to be cold but i think cold might work better. It wakes up your body and that might silence your mind. At least for a bit. It also helps to keep you in the present.

Physical activity is good. If you try to go running or exercise it might help your mind focus on the task ahead instead of bombarding you with thoughts. If these dont help you try to do the opposite. Try co calm yourself. Watch an anti pannic attack video. Those are some of the best to calm you down. They help you realise the thoughts you are thinking and treat them us such… just as thoughts. There are other types of calming videos like ASMR videos or just videos with calmig music but i think anti panic attack videos might work the best. Maybe you can also try hypnosis but i would talk abou that with a professional.

I hope at least some of this had helped.
Take care now and stay safe
Bye

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Hi @anon14688970

I have similar problems. I’ve heard voices all my life and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was in my late 30s. So, not only am I on the BPD spectrum, I’m also on the schizophrenia spectrum and it makes things pretty complicated.

The voices can be pretty terrifying sometimes and also very confusing and contradictory. I can go for days without hearing them, but sometimes when I get overly tired or stressed they can yell pretty loud all day long. Sometimes, they encourage me and sometimes they want me to hurt myself. Its so fucking confusing.

I don’t know how I figured this out, but I will share with you what works for me to determine if the voices are real or not and this may sound very strange, but it works for me.

I ask the voices to talk thru my mouth. If they can’t, then I dismiss them as being fake and in the end I hear my own voice coming out of my mouth so I know I’m real.

You already know who is real and who isn’t, don’t listen to their tricks and lies.

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