Who I really am

[m_ba]

hello, I’m new to this. Im not sure what i intend to get out fo this other then to possibly share what my current situation is with my mother. I love my mother. I always will no matter what, after all she is the person that gave birth to me and without her I would not be here. But she’s made me realize so much these past few years and although I do realize I’ve made mistakes it only makes me feel more worthless and like a terrible. I feel like all of her anger is because of me. I am a terrible daughter. I never think about her. I just think about my self and that it. What about her? I never think about her well being. She reminds me of how selfish I really am and how I will never change. I want to change. I want to be that smart daughter and Caring daughter she’s always wanted yet I can’t seem to change my actions even after countless of times she has told me how I only think of my self. I fear the most that I will end up like both my older siblings and hurt her just like they did. And from the looks of it I am going down that path. im hurting her so much that at this point I rather not have been born at all. I wouldn’t be causing her this pain. She might have had a better life without me.

I don’t know what to do. Theres so much wrong with me and at this point I can’t seem to figure out who I am or im starting to lose sense of what I want in this world

m

[Enkou666]

I had a lot of problems with my mother growing up. Don’t let her problems reflect on you. My problems created a lot of mental health issues long term. Stuff I’m sitll working out. You are doing the best you can. And yes she is still trying her best. But, sometimes the best isn’t what you need. I know that first hand. Don’t put yourself down because she isn’t the coping you need. And don’t be afraid to reach out here or even to me personally as I’ve gone through this. We are all here rooting for you. Keep strong. And thank you for reaching out.

[Micro]

Hey @m_ba,

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Being a bit lost, losing sense of self, having many doubts and worries is something we can all experience at some point in our lives. It implies many inner questions, some introspection. In other words, it’s a moment when you can identify what you want to improve in your life. I’d like to encourage you to see this as an opportunity for you to have a fresh start in you life. It doesn’t have to be radical. It’s just that inner reflection can be needed sometimes, even if it implies to be a bit lost at first. You’re doing great and you’ll get there.

I also want to push back those thoughts telling you that there’s something wrong with you. Maybe you aren’t satisfied with the way you behave. Well, that’s okay! Acknowledging this is a first step and it shows your humility. But on the other side, I don’t know how is your relationship with your mom and from what you described she may be too judgmental. And truth is, even if she is your mom, even if you want to please her, you weren’t born to become the daughter she wants. You’ve got breath in your lungs, you are existing, you are a unique individual. The life you are living is yours, not hers. And if you want to live according to particular values, it has to be yours first, not others.

Also whatever your siblings did before, it’s their relationship with your mom, not yours. You don’t have any “debt” to compensate for their mistakes. These are not your responsability. I got that feeling for a very long time, as I am the last sibling of the family. I felt that I had to be perfect, according to my parents wishes, especially to compensate the difficult relationships they had with my brother and sister. But over time I realized that it’s not my role nor my purpose in life. In fact, it prevented me to live my own life. And it’s not yours either. So maybe your mom has some trust issues, maybe you think it’s selfish to take care of yourself at first but I can assure you it’s not. The best way to be generous and caring to others is to be fulfilled in your own life. Otherwise it’s the best way to harm others and yourself without even intending to do so.

You matter, friend. No matter what others do or say to you. You have a life to live. And it’s not contradictory with being there for your mom and loving her sincerely. It’s only a matter of building a healthier balance over time, for both of you. Because when it makes you think that you’re not good enough or something is wrong with you, then it’s a red flag that shows, in fact, that the current situation is wrong, but not you.

Take care.