Why am I here? All I do is suffer

Why am I here? I’ve been depressed and suicidal for years. Things that used to bring me joy, I can’t even force myself to do. All I do is work and try to sleep. I have a friend that I have talked to but they can’t help me all the time. The last time I talked to them, they recommended expert help. I thought about it but if I did try to get it I’d lose my job I fear. The best thing I’ve been told is “have a day. It doesn’t have to be good but just have it” It may not sound like much but it has kept me alive for over 10 years.

I feel as though I am just a guest passing through. Sure someone might say hi but I’m not memorable. No one would miss me if I was gone. I am not a fighter and the years of struggling has me worn out. I can’t fight any more. I have no will to continue. I only work to seem like I am ok. I’ve lost almost all I care of how I appear. But working is what has kept a little hope for me. If I work people will ask how it was not how I am. The lie of being ok is really taking a toll. I wear a mask everyday for other people not to know how I truly am.

I’m just having another day but soon I fear that day will be my last. People say everyone has a purpose - I’ve helped everyone I could so maybe my purpose.is over. People say God will help or something - I don’t believe in any God. People say it will get better - when? It’s been years. People say there is light at the end of the tunnel - I’m digging a well and I can’t swim. Why am I here? What purpose could there possibly be for me to continue to suffer for nothing?

5 Likes

Hey, @Slgrve I completely understand how your feeling, the worthlessness, the solidarity, the feeling that no one cares. Life’s hard man, it really is and I’ll be honest, life might not get better, but it will feel different eventually. I try and look at it like this, someone’s always going through something worse than you and if they can still walk around this cruel world with a grin on their face, I can at least try my best to not completely dread my existence.

I don’t know you, Slgrve, but from reading your struggles, I know we have the same weak and tired heart that’s running this race called life, we might think we know when it can’t run anymore, but I’ll just say this it’ll stop when it truly can’t. I implore you, don’t stop yourself before you’ve made it to the finish line. There are many obstacles on track, but there are also checkpoints where you can take a break from all of those obstacles and just appreciate the environment you’re racing in.

With Love,
D.

Hi. I’m new here and just read your post. I can’t say much except I feel the same way. I’m not sure if you are past the point where knowing someone else feels just like tou do will bring some comfort… but yes… sometimes life just seems pointless & meaningless… and what is it that we want? What is it you really want? Could we end the suffering if what we wanted was within reach whatever it was?

“What purpose could there possibly be for me to continue to suffer for nothing?”

Chose something worth suffering for. I struggle when I start to lose heart. Fighting for my survival gave me tools that are heavy to carry with me. What stops me from giving up is knowing that there is a child somewhere along my path who could use a kind word from me. I won’t help everyone but I can try to help someone.

1 Like

Hey Sigrve–I’m with you on these feelings. I know how it feels to live with depression for a long time and how tiring it is. I’ve had bouts of it for about 25 years with the hardest times being the most challenging. I’m taking in as much information and trying new techniques as I go. None of it is a “cure” that would be sweet but each thing gives me a little tool to balance. What I hear in your message, and I apologize if I’m missing how it truly is, but it sounds like you’re living a rinse and repeat lifestyle right now. Work, sleep, eat. Same thing, same surroundings. When your brain sees the same thing everyday it’s waaaaayyy too easy for it to go into that same ruts. It has the same triggers, so it signals the same responses. When you’re dealing with depression you’re working both against your thinking brain (that’s giving you negative thoughts) and your feeling, chemical brain. And it is SUPER hard to move the thinking brain when the feeling brain is running on a familiar track. So you not only should mix things up but it’s almost required that you change things up. Take a night class. Join a meetup group that does something you like but maybe you don’t get to do right now. Even if you don’t FEEL like doing it there’s still a part of you that remembers an activity that you remember enjoying. Indulge that. And bonus, getting into a different situation will release other chemicals that help you feel and think better. I tell you this not as someone who has beaten his demons but as someone who is using these practices to push back and as a fellow sufferer who is trying to find his happy again. So let’s make a pact that we will BOTH do something to make a change for the better. And remember that so much of what we think about ourselves when we’re down is inaccurate, incomplete and often times just lies. We are way more important, way stronger, and have way more value than we think about ourselves. We can do this!

@Slgrve Here is our response from our Twitch stream with our special guest Jessie Barton from Alive In Barcelona:

Hold Fast.
-Danjo

3 Likes