I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m not presently suicidal and right now I feel ok. But I often wake up disappointed I didn’t die in my sleep and three days ago I was sobbing because I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I just don’t see any reason to be alive.
I spent ten years serving in church, truly seeking to serve God. I wasn’t looking for praise or even good feelings, I just wanted to serve. At the end I was so emotionally and spiritually drained I left church and didn’t go back for years.
I tried dating for 6 or 7 years. With online dating thousands of women passed by my profile without a second glance based on nothing more than my face. I met two women who I actually connected and fell in love with. Both waited until after I’d told them I loved them that they were still married. I forgave them and gave them a chance. The first decided to reconcile with her husband but called me a selfish monster for not being there as her emotional boyfriend. The second did leave her husband but told me after I bought us a house that she didn’t feel anything for me anymore, didn’t want the relationship anymore and was staying out of state. She called me a lazy, uncommitted child for not getting rid of the house and chasing after her so I could win her back. My parents have told me the best shot I have of not dying alone is a green card marriage with a stranger.
I have things that I enjoy but no real passions. I generally feel like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t feel like I have anything really to contribute or connect to with other people. I have friends and family but for the most part I feel like they are still around out of habit or obligation.
I’m often praised for being kind, smiling, and consistent. But that is almost always followed with the things that I need to change: I’m too fat, wrong job, wrong house, too shy, not outgoing enough, not social enough, too nice. I’m never perfect or desirable just as I am.
I’m not suicidal at the moment but part of me wants my life to fall apart so much that the next time I put a loaded gun to my head and pull the trigger, I don’t first ask God to prove He wants me alive. I don’t see the point of why I am still here. It just feels like it’s all a sad joke.