Before I begin I am going to apologize for my language and the mess of words.
Right now I am just very very pissed of because I feel like I’m not going to accomplish anything. There is just too much. I start college on the 27th of this month and I still have to figure out student loans and I know I have people who can help me with it but right now I am just like do I really even want to go to college? Do I really even want to bother trying anymore?
Like life is so freaking much. It’s like there is a fucking tower over me and it is something I can never pull through.
I was like “oh yeah I’ll be ready when I hit this point in my life” and I’m not. I’m not even close to there.
I just live in my fucking head and I have useless dreams that are never going to happen.
“Well with time and effort it can happen”- yes I know but I feel like it’s been a lot of time and a lot of effort and I am no where.
Maybe I’m just not even trying. Today I have just wanted to slam my fists into my body and it just freaking sucks because I thought I would be farther in life than I am right now. I am constantly reminded of how little I have come in life and how much I still need to do.
I am fucking terrified of getting a new job because it is fucking terrifying and people don’t fucking get it. I feel like a freaking loser and a wimp and I am really just hating myself.
I get it I have people who can help me but I am just really freaking sick of trying and I am so sick of getting over one hurdle just to be met with a bunch more.
Maybe I am just not trying I don’t freaking know, maybe I just can’t sort out my life. I just feel like things aren’t going to happen and what is the freaking point of trying anymore. Nothing ever works out.
I totally feel you on the whole “things will never get better” and “why even bother” thoughts and feeling like once one issue is solved another pops up. It is exhausting and quite frankly it makes a person just want to give up. I so hear you on this. You aren’t alone in the struggle. I and so many others can relate to you. We are here for you.
Lyss, I don’t know why things have to keep going wrong. (Hugs) Just like I don’t understand why I can’t get out of my own mental struggles along with other things happening . There’s some things we can’t understand when we are in the midst of the struggle. It is only after they’ve passed that we see the glory, the redemption, that has taken place as a result of them. This doesn’t make it any easier in the moment. But after things have passed, we can see how we’ve grown in ways we never would have if it hadn’t been for the struggle.
For me, the only steady hope I’ve found is through my faith. I know that God has good plans for me, even when I struggle. On days like today where I can’t even muster up the energy to make my bed or do the laundry or even eat, I’ll admit, it’s not the first thing that pops into my mind. In fact, thoughts of giving up are more my thought pattern. But because the Holy Spirit is living inside me, the truth gently seeps through my thoughts from time to time. I KNOW the truth, that I have a hope and a future, even when I tend to be blinded to it by the struggles of life. Deep down I know I have purpose and a reason to keep going on, because I have a God who is fighting for me even when I have given up.
Sweet friend, I hope someday you find that hope. Life may not be easier. You may even have thoughts of wanting to give up. But you will have a reassurance that you aren’t alone and know you have eternal worth and value. Even on the hard days. That truth will be implanted in your heart, even when you can’t see it. And others who have the same faith will be there to encourage you when you’ve forgotten it. You aren’t alone, friend. I would love to talk more about how my faith has helped me. That is if you are open to it. No pressure. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s just what gives me a glimmer of hope in my darkest days. And if someone else could be helped, I would love to share more.
You don’t need to apologize. You’re letting off steam and that’s totally okay. You’re under a lot of stress, and it can be difficult to cope with it all. Are you going away to college or are you staying home and going to a local community college? For me, going away to college helped clear my head, but even staying home and going to a new school (community college) can help, because everything starts fresh (GPA, new friends, etc). I don’t know about you, but keeping my mind busy also helps distract me from the trouble of life - so maybe having new things to study at school will help as well.
There is no such thing as a useless dream.
“Those who say they can and those who say they can’t are both usually right.” - Will Smith
“Saying ‘I tried’ is 10x more of a man/woman than those who say ‘What if?’ because ‘What if?’ never won.” - Unknown
I don’t know what your dream is, but chase it full-force. You’ll regret it if you don’t at least try.
Life is full of hurdles - everyone has a set they need to jump. But with practice comes perfection. The more hurdles you jump, the better you’ll get at jumping them. Hang in there!
@Lyss no dream is useless. You’ve been fighting so hard for so long - it’s okay to be tired and need to come down. Even though it’s extremely stressful, going to college might be good for you. The questions you’re asking yourself look to me like a loss of direction. College could be what you need to put you on the right road. It’s stressful, yes. It’s going to feel like the work you’re doing is for nothing, yes. It’s not. You are on an upward path right now, you are beyond good enough and I’m so so proud of how far you’ve come. I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m here for you always.
We’re here. Don’t apologize for being angry, you have every right to. You can hate yourself, but we love you. And I hope our love can outweigh your hate. Really, there’s nothing wrong with being a wimp. There’s nothing wrong with being so afraid you don’t want to try. Please don’t give up.
“Sometimes you fall down, and that’s okay.” - Andy Biersack
Thanks for the replies all, it is truly appreciated.
Today things just kept going wrong but things were sorted around and some good stuff happened so I feel ok right now.
Currently there is just a lot on my plate but I guess it has lessened from how much I thought there was.
I was confused about student loans because I was like oh loans i need to go to the bank and file paper work and have a credit score and we’ll i learned it is actually a very simple process and my sister is helping me a lot as well as my friend Ash.
I applied to two more jobs today, so that is good.
I thought my phone was a goner but it is ok now I guess. I know that once I get a steady income things will be better.
I know that I can’t apply to fast paced jobs because I know how that turned out at my first job and it was very not good so I have been applying to more laid back jobs so that I don’t go back into the place I was before.
I really wanted to self injure today because of the anger and sadness I had built up. I know that self injury doesn’t make things better by in an aspect I am taking out all that bottled up anger and stress and sadness on myself and not in good ways; so I guess like if you could imaging like a punching bag is a better way to go but I also sometimes just spqeeze my stuffed animals but some days that is really hard. But I didn’t self injure today and I will be going on 50 days clean pretty soon- two more days I think.