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Why am I so pathetic?

God, I feel so fucking pathetic.
I am such a crybaby, I swear. I don’t want this anymore.
I get all shaky and anxious, when I open up the website for my school (you know, where you can check emails from teachers, i dunno how it’s called in english). As soon, as I see an Email from my homeroom teacher(or any teacher in general) I start to cry. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, I just start to cry and want to die in that moment.

I am currently not going to school anymore, because I had a panic attack and mental breakdown on the first day, after Corona lockdown. That was about three weeks ago, I think. Over the few weeks, that passed I tried to continue the home office but it didn’t work out. I cried so much and my parents got angry at me, for not being able to do an really easy task.
For example, English is my favourite class in school and I am pretty good at it too(seeing as it is only my second language), so I should be able to complete the tasks I get fairly easily, right? Yeah, that’s where you’re wrong. I started to break down, as soon as I saw what we had to do and I just don’t know anymore.

My teacher of course knows about this, seeing as her daughter (who is 17-18, I am almost 15), had a similar problem. But still, I get these Emails from her, where she asks me about the work, I was supposed to do. But I just can’t get to it, I am just not able to.

I feel so fucked up but I don’t want to talk to my parents about it either. (They already know about it, but not everything) I trust them and I know, I can talk to them, but they are already so stressed out with me being a complete mess and fuck up. I honestly feel, like I am constantly ruining their mood.

I am just so done with myself and the whole world. I was actually starting to feel a little better, these past days. I didn’t cry as much, I was actually feeling something again! But still, I couldn’t really enjoy it, since I was constantly waiting for something bad to happen. And now it did. I can’t even enjoy my better days anymore. I’m just waiting for bad things to happen. I’m probably repeating myself, right now.

I also feel kinda weird about posting here so often, but honestly. I have no one else to talk about all this. I don’t wanna tell my friends, since they shouldn’t have to deal with my and my depressing thoughts. And the reason for my parents was mentioned earlier.

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i am glad you wrote here, let us be there for you

it sounds really tough what you have to go through and I wish I could actually help you.
i am here if you want to talk.

it is Okay to have these feelings and emotions, but you are not a fuck up, you are not broken, you just need a little extra care and love at the moment. which is totally fine.

have grace for yourself, try to not be so hard on yourself, I know thats difficult.
you could try to pick out one small assignment and try to do that one thing, just that one thing, without thinking or stressing about anything else. maybe focusing on one assignment rather than all of them will make it easier for you.

you can do it and you can get through this, because you are stronger than you think and you dont have to do it alone, we are all by your side.
you got this!

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I understand the anxiety around school. I dropped out of college twice in 6 years. The second time ended when I was on my way to class, and as I reached the front of the building, I turned around because I knew I couldn’t go in there, and I went home. I didn’t know why I was so anxious, and really I still don’t, but I knew I couldn’t sit through another lecture, and I felt pathetic too for years after.

Dropping out of grade school isn’t really a great option; but your anxiety is valid. Maybe try reaching out to your school counselor or a trusted teacher. I’m sure your teacher feels for you and would love to help you, but unfortunately she has one job, and that is to assign work and grade it. She can’t excuse you from the work because her job won’t allow it. However, maybe she has tools you can use to help yourself get through. Maybe she can send you encouragements. You can always come here for encouragement.

I would talk to your parents about it if you know you can talk to them. Pick a time when you’re not in the middle of an anxiety attack over school, maybe after dinner. Sit down; politely ask them to hear you out patiently, without interrupting, and to really listen; and explain to them everything you’re feeling. Write your thoughts down, I can tell you that really helps to get them all out cohesively. At the end, if they have any questions, do your best to answer them calmly and rationally without snapping back or shutting down. If they have negative things to say, stand firm. Your feelings are valid, even if they don’t make logical sense. If they say “we hear you, but you need to finish school,” tell them you know that, and that’s why you’re there–you know you need to do it, but your anxiety is hindering you, you don’t know where to turn or what to do, and you need help.