God, I feel so fucking pathetic.
I am such a crybaby, I swear. I don’t want this anymore.
I get all shaky and anxious, when I open up the website for my school (you know, where you can check emails from teachers, i dunno how it’s called in english). As soon, as I see an Email from my homeroom teacher(or any teacher in general) I start to cry. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, I just start to cry and want to die in that moment.
I am currently not going to school anymore, because I had a panic attack and mental breakdown on the first day, after Corona lockdown. That was about three weeks ago, I think. Over the few weeks, that passed I tried to continue the home office but it didn’t work out. I cried so much and my parents got angry at me, for not being able to do an really easy task.
For example, English is my favourite class in school and I am pretty good at it too(seeing as it is only my second language), so I should be able to complete the tasks I get fairly easily, right? Yeah, that’s where you’re wrong. I started to break down, as soon as I saw what we had to do and I just don’t know anymore.
My teacher of course knows about this, seeing as her daughter (who is 17-18, I am almost 15), had a similar problem. But still, I get these Emails from her, where she asks me about the work, I was supposed to do. But I just can’t get to it, I am just not able to.
I feel so fucked up but I don’t want to talk to my parents about it either. (They already know about it, but not everything) I trust them and I know, I can talk to them, but they are already so stressed out with me being a complete mess and fuck up. I honestly feel, like I am constantly ruining their mood.
I am just so done with myself and the whole world. I was actually starting to feel a little better, these past days. I didn’t cry as much, I was actually feeling something again! But still, I couldn’t really enjoy it, since I was constantly waiting for something bad to happen. And now it did. I can’t even enjoy my better days anymore. I’m just waiting for bad things to happen. I’m probably repeating myself, right now.
I also feel kinda weird about posting here so often, but honestly. I have no one else to talk about all this. I don’t wanna tell my friends, since they shouldn’t have to deal with my and my depressing thoughts. And the reason for my parents was mentioned earlier.