Why am I so stupid?

I had a dream about wrestling last night and I woke up crying with so much regret because I wanted to wrestle so bad. I pushed it aside for some stupid guy that wasn’t even worth it. I always thought that I would have wrestling. I never thought that it would go away. I felt like I could finally have it. Everything felt right with it for once and I pushed it away. I felt so positive toward it. Like it was supposed to be mine. Everyone is like well maybe it was never yours to begin with. But it’s like why would God allow me to meet all of these wrestlers and become close friends with them and then lead me to a wrestling school that trains people to go to WWE and the other top notch school that is affiliated with Ring of Honor which is on TV all the time. I was finally going for it. It was right there…even when I was with my ex, all my mind could think about was going to wrestling. After anything I went through my heart and mind would revert back to wrestling. My heart wanted it so bad during the first time I was with my ex, that I told myself once he went away to jail, I was going to start wrestling. This summer, I was like okay God I see that everything always reverts back to wrestling? Is this what you want from me? And I got this positive, bright happy feeling toward it. Everything finally felt like it was in place. That God wanted me to do it. I contacted the trainer because we are friends and he said he’d give me a discount since I was going to school and all that. My ex came back, but I was still going to do it. When I started feeling weird toward him, it felt like my heart kept getting pulled more and more toward wrestling and more and more away from him. I kept feeling happier and happier toward it so when I did I felt selfish for feeling that way so I kept trying to push away anything that had to do with it and any thought of it. But the more I tried to stop it, the more my heart felt drawn to it. Every night I would have a dream about wrestling and would be happy toward it, but then I would get sad because it felt like I was still getting pulled away from my ex not knowing that he truly didn’t love me. I remember just thinking back to all my memories and moments with my wrestling friends and how happy they made me. How that was the best and happiest moment of my life. Even when I was going through everything of going to crisis and before that and after, it’s kinda what made me fight hard because I wanted to be back with those people and wanted those memories back because I realized that they were MY kind of people. That I was a nerdy, dork just like them. Being with them made me so happy. I started realizing that in myself and started realizing I wasn’t me anymore with my ex and I just didn’t know how to get out. I kept telling myself “Alena you can have wrestling and all of that back when you finally get out of this with him.” I remember praying to God to let me have wrestling and it felt like my heart was getting dragged toward it and a bright like cascaded toward it. When I broke up with him, I felt like I could have the world. I shouldn’t have stayed the extra month that I did after I broke up with him, but I felt so bad that I didn’t want to leave. I felt like the terrible person. When we were finally done done, I was like I can FINALLY have wrestling! I went to the place and got the paper for a physical. The trainer took $1,000 off the tuition for me to go and was willing to work around my school schedule. I thought everything was finally starting to work itself out with wrestling. A week later, I wake up and it’s all gone. I never thought I would lose wrestling…now I’m just full of regrets because it felt like it was mine to finally have. I could be wrestling right now and happy…instead I threw it all away and I’m never going to get it back. I just keep thinking like would this still be happening if I never made that decision? I don’t think it would because then I would have never changed for the worst. I would have grown and everything, but I would still have everything that made me who I am and made me happy. I just feel like I missed out and ruined the happiest part of my life and my dream. I’m just so angry with myself. I don’t even regret being with him the first time, it’s the second time that ruined everything. It changed everything. And he didn’t even abuse me the second time around. He love bombed the crap out of me and when I called him out that’s when he took off the mask and revealed that he never changed. Worst part is, I knew how he was, I just thought he was a broken person that was trapped and needed the right person to love him, but I was wrong all along. He was an evil person trying to drain me and break me even more. All of this just feels like a bad dream. I wasted my time on someone that was trying to drain me and watched as I slowly died when I could have been doing the thing that I loved the most and that made me the most happy. I cry every day with regret because there’s not one good thing that came out of that relationship and I knew God didn’t want us to be together, but that’s why I got angry. I didn’t realize that he was just trying to protect me from this evil human being. I’m just heart broken with everything. I just keep feeling like this isn’t my life…I’m not the one who went through all of this. I can’t believe I went through all of this. I actually blame myself for the second time. I beat myself up about it every day and crazy thing was, the first time was when the abuse happened and when it hurt the most and none of this happened to me. I just don’t understand anymore. I just feel like I have no right to say I’m a victim because I knew how he was, but I didn’t even want to get back together. I loved him yes, but I wanted to move forward. Then he got his grip on me and I got terrified of losing him from my life again and I didn’t want to see him be with someone else when I had already seen it happen before. I don’t know how he was able to convince my mind that easily because I was already about done with him and giving up. I’m just so upset with myself. I have been going to a domestic abuse group every Thursday morning, and one on one meetings with one of the advocates once a week and I’m going to therapy once a week too. It’s just there were so many plans with wrestling. I was going to use it to serve God through it. I wanted to be a super hero, an inspiration to kids. I wanted to go to Japan. I remember when I was with my ex the second time and I was at work and something about Japan popped up on the screen and all my heart felt was me going to wrestle in Japan and I got extremely happy. And then I had to remind myself I wasn’t allowed to think about wrestling because I needed to be there for my ex. 7 years this dream was a part of my life and 3 years of saving money and working towards it went all down the drain and it’s all my fault…and now it’s all gone. How could I be so stupid?

Hey Alena,

Thank you so much for sharing this here. First, I want to address the lie that you are stupid. Having regrets and feeling like you messed everything up can make it easy to blame ourselves. I love how passionate you are about wrestling and wanting to serve God through it. I can tell you really have a servant’s heart and want to glorify God through wrestling. Even though you may feel like you’ve thrown everything away, I want you to know that if wrestling is what you are meant to do, God will make it happen. He knows what your life holds and the paths you will take. I encourage you to continue seeking Him, talking to Him and listening for His guidance. I hope you are able to rest in the knowledge that no matter what, He already has everything figured out. He has it under control. I know it is so difficult to trust that at times because we don’t always know what the future will hold. What I do know is, He wants the best for you and will always guide you.

I also want to tell you that your feelings are valid and that I very much understand where you are coming from regarding your relationship. I myself was in an abusive relationship at one point. I broke up with him and somehow through his manipulation I ended up begging him to take me back all the while knowing that he only wanted to break me in order to build himself up. After I ended things for good, I felt like it was such a waste of time and how could I have been so stupid to stay and why didn’t I just leave the first time. But like you, I thought that wasn’t who he really was and that he just needed a kind and caring person in his life and eventually he would come around. So, with all that being said, I understand how you feel. I felt anger towards myself. I was so upset and blamed myself. However, abuse makes it hard to see the truth. It is hard to think that anything good could come out of that. It took me a while but I realized that it taught me how to value myself enough to trust my judgments and listen to my gut. I am so happy to hear that you are getting support in the form of therapy and advocates. Healing from abuse is most definitely a process and I hope you know how strong you are for not only leaving the situation but also seeking support to help you heal afterwards.

Know that you are most definitely not stupid and that God will guide you to exactly where you need to be. He knows your heart and will give you the peace and guidance you need to glorify him. Hold fast my friend.

Hannah Rhodes

I just feel that if I never made that decision I would be wrestling right now and God would have never taken it away. I wanted it so bad and now I just regret it every day. I understand if God didn’t want me to be a wrestler, but he didn’t have to take it away from me completely. I was FINALLY healing with the whole situation with my ex and putting it behind me. Then all of a sudden I started losing wrestling and I went back to square one with blaming myself, hating myself and regretting everything. So I was like seriously God? Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough? He could have at least waited to take wrestling or let me keep it knowing how much it’s got me through, how much joy it brings me, and how much I love it. God knows all of that. A part of me feels like God is punishing me and making me regret every thing I did even more. He took the best thing and the only thing I had left away from me. So not only was a grieving what I was going through I have to grieve losing wrestling too on top of that. It just makes me even more depressed and makes me hate myself even more. 7 years worth of memories with wrestling all gone from my brain like they never happened. I just feel like this is all a bad dream. I didn’t even want my ex back! I kept telling him I wanted to be friends and he kept making me feel bad and he basically claimed me as his without me really saying yes. I kept trying to leave when I felt weird, but I felt like a terrible person and he kept making me feel that way too for wanting out. It got so bad that I almost tried to kill myself because I felt like such a terrible person and hated myself so much and didn’t know how to get out. I hate myself for ever being with someone like that and don’t understand how I ended up with someone like that. He was younger and not my type and never fit me at all. He was my complete opposite and not a good opposite. I fought so hard to get out of the situation because all I could think of was my best friends from wrestling and all the memories and how I wanted to fight so hard to get out of the situation I was in so that I could see them again and make more memories with them. I missed them dearly. And now I can never have that again. @Hannah2911

@alenatbow14 I know how hard it is not to blame yourself. But I want you to know that even though you feel like things got messed up because of the decisions you made, God is more powerful than all of that and nothing can stop the plan He has for you. Sure, we have free will, but God knows what He has in store for you and knows exactly how to make it happen. I know how much wrestling meant to you, and I am sorry things have changed so much regarding that. With that being said, I would really encourage you to rely on and trust in Him. I really believe that you can find joy, peace and comfort through God even though you aren’t getting that from wrestling anymore. I know it his hard not having that in your life. Also, being in a relationship like that is so difficult because of the guilt but then shame for staying and on it goes. It isn’t easy. So know that although it is hard, you do not need to beat yourself up for what happened. You are no less loved or valuable because of it. You are very strong for leaving and very strong for continuing to fight in the face of so much adversity.

~Hannah Rhodes