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Why am I so worthless?


#1

I don’t even know why I was going to try this… I struggle to even put words together. I’m just tired of being me. Disgusting. Stupid. Worthless.

I’ve put on so much weight none of my clothes fit anymore and it is sickening. Yet, despite not being able to look in the mirror or shower with the lights on, I can’t force myself to get up and exercise because I’m so ridiculously lazy. I’m constantly yelling at myself to get up and move, but my body refuses to listen. Every bite of food I take makes me hate myself more, but I can’t stop. I don’t enjoy food anymore, but I just keep shoveling it in. Maybe I subconsciously hope it will kill me, I don’t know.

My face is blemished and pudgy with permanent dark circles and no amount of makeup can even make me look remotely human, let alone attractive. I fight back tears everyday I have to look in the mirror while attempting to cover my disgusting face.

I can’t manage to finish a load of laundry, let alone keep the house clean. I constantly work to keep the house work managed for my boyfriend of six years, but I can’t stay on top of it. The house always ends up a wreck and I feel miserable for it. Is it really that hard to keep a tidy house? My mother has done it for 35+ years while working full-time, raising two kids and overcoming countless other hardships. Why can’t I?

Nothing I ever do amounts to anything. I spend countless hours raising funds for a good cause, but does it really make a difference? Any kid with a glue gun can do what I do, what’s a couple hundred dollars a year really help? Nothing. My efforts are worthless. My ideas are stupid. I’ll never make a difference in the world, so why do I try? I make a fool of myself every time I open my mouth. I can’t remember the last intelligent thought to even cross my mind.

I can hardly manage to accomplish even the simplest tasks at work. I’m a waste of space and resources and if my boss were to ever realize this, I’d be out of a job too. Even though I’ve been looking and interviewing, I’ll never make it anywhere. These people ask my strengths, but I have nothing to say. Accomplishments? Well, I’ve managed to stay alive for 27 years. Not sure if that counts… an abusive ex tried like hell to end my life, and I’ve contemplated doing it myself too.

I often wish I would have just let him kill me. It would have saved my family a lot of disappointment, my boyfriend may have found someone he could actually be proud to make his wife. He means well, but I think deep down he knows he could do better than me, but he keeps me around because he feels bad. Who could ever really love this worthless excuse for a human being?

Honestly, the only thought that stops me from ending the misery is the fact someone would have to take care of my body. My parents have better things to do with their money than bury a worthless daughter. I could run away and do it, or jump in the river, but there’s a chance someone would look for me and I’d hate to waste anyone’s time on that. I’m not worth the time nor the effort. I stay alive so as to not inconvenience anyone with my death. But then again, my existence is an inconvenience to everyone I love, so is that really any better?

I often wish some freak accident would just happen. Mysterious illness, runaway semi truck, unstable bridge, sudden food allergy, slip and fall, anything to just let it be over. I watch the news and hear horrible things happening to innocent people and ask God why it couldn’t be me instead. Why take an innocent child, a kind neighbor, a live-saving doctor, why take these wonderful people when you could take me and make the world a better place?

I’ve tried to just live day to day and take on life like a robot. Do as I’m told, stay out of the way, only speak when spoken to, just do what you have to to get through each day until you don’t wake up again. But, that doesn’t work when you fail at everything you do.

I am completely worthless. And I don’t know how to cope with that fact.


#2

Hey,

You are not worthless. You are not a burden. I’m proud of you for reaching out.

I hope this community can help to show you the love that you deserve- and I hope and pray that one day you can learn to love yourself again.

You’re loved. You’re important. You’re not worthless.

Hold fast; keep holding on.

With love,
Lyss (ur pal Blurryface)


#3

Hi friend, thanks for reaching out.

You’re not worthless. You’re not a burden. You just have to learn how to love yourself again. And it all starts from your mind. I know the terrible feeling of not being able to control your own body - but before starting to train your body, you need to train your mind. Struggling with diet? Throw away all the trash food in the house. Can’t find a reason to move or exercise? Use Freeletics (it’s all I’m using since June and it feels great). Remember to set short and possible goals to achieve, and you’ll make it sooner than you think. This applies not only for your training, but also for everything else.
You are strong enough to make it, and I believe that you have a lot of accomplishments to be proud of. I know you can shine again. It just takes time.

Hold fast. We believe in you.

pioggia :sunflower:


#4

@broken1,

You are not worthless, you are not a burden to people. The fact that you believe someone would look for you if you were gone, shows that there are people that care.
Give yourself some grace, sometimes it is hard to feel like you are not being productive or doing what you’re “supposed” to do. It’s more important to take care of yourself, than conquer that list of ‘to-dos’
For the things you wish to change, start small. Come up with one goal a day at the beginning - even if it is just to go walking for 10 minutes. Eventually, you will be able to add more goals ect.
Remember that change doesn’t happen over night, and that you are so worth it!

Thanks for being open and honest. You are loved and we believe in you!

~Michelle


#5

Prepare for a long read here, as this topic broke my heart, and I want you to know how loved and important you are. So I’m going to take your post piece by piece and respond accordingly.

I don’t even know why I was going to try this… I struggle to even put words together. I’m just tired of being me. Disgusting. Stupid. Worthless.

My dear friend, I am so so sorry that you feel this way, but it is not true at all! We are so glad you are here, and I’m proud of you for reaching out to the community for support because that is exactly what we are here for and we love you! You are not worthless, disgusting, stupid or any of those lies you keep telling yourself! YOU HAVE BREATH IN YOUR LUNGS, YOU HAVE VALUE ON EARTH! This is something I too struggled with for a long time, and I’m going to tell you a few things that helped me! I spend a lot of time on my laptop for school between taking notes, doing homework etc. So I decided to change the background of my computer to something that reminded me of my worth. I encourage you to do this. Whether you just changed it to something that says insert your name here is beautiful, important, or you can fill it in with whatever word will help you the most, and encourage you. You could also do this with a phone background, or if you work on a computer at your job you can do that as well.

I can’t force myself to get up and exercise because I’m so ridiculously lazy. I’m constantly yelling at myself to get up and move, but my body refuses to listen. Every bite of food I take makes me hate myself more, but I can’t stop. I don’t enjoy food anymore, but I just keep shoveling it in. Maybe I subconsciously hope it will kill me, I don’t know.

I struggled with this for awhile, but let me make this very clear, if you do decide you want to start exercising/ losing weight you need to get to the point of doing this for yourself, and not doing it to impress others, or because others say you need to. That’s not healthy at all, you lose motivation, and it just becomes toxic. I’ve done this multiple times, and in the end you just get left feeling empty and I don’t want you to ever feel this way.

As far as the issue with struggling to enjoy food, I don’t have too much advice for you on this, as when I struggled with not eating it was more so because of weight issues, not because I didn’t enjoy it. What I encourage you to do is try to start eating healthier food, or try preparing the food, not eating boxed meals etc., to see if this would help you not see food as something disgusting and bad anymore. Like I said I haven’t been in your shoes here, so I don’t really know what advice to give you, but I can also tell you that you’re not alone in this, and I know many others struggle with this exact same feeling.

I often wish I would have just let him kill me. It would have saved my family a lot of disappointment, my boyfriend may have found someone he could actually be proud to make his wife.

This here is something that specifically stuck out to me in this post, and made my heart break, cause oh my goodness friend I was here. When my ex boyfriend beat the shit out of me, I often think back and I constantly say, I wish he would have killed me, I wish I would have died that night! But friend let me tell you that God has a plan for you here on this earth, and I fully believe that there’s a reason that you are still, just as there’s a reason I’m still here. I encourage you to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about they way you’re feeling, And see if he can give you some comfort and confirmation. because I doubt that he’s feeling that way! Remember hun, you’re beautiful and wonderfully made, and you deserve love and happiness just like everyone else does.

I often wish some freak accident would just happen. Mysterious illness, runaway semi truck, unstable bridge, sudden food allergy, slip and fall, anything to just let it be over. I watch the news and hear horrible things happening to innocent people and ask God why it couldn’t be me instead. Why take an innocent child, a kind neighbor, a live-saving doctor, why take these wonderful people when you could take me and make the world a better place?

Wow friend, that’s tough! And I’m so so sorry that you are feeling this way! You have a purpose here on earth, and it’s so hard to feel this way because I get that. I’m like why am I still here but yet all these innocent people are dying around the world, babies… kids… doctors… police officers etc. I get that feeling and it’s so hard. But you need to find the value in your life, because my friend your life has value just as all those others do. And you are such a beautiful amazing person, and I’m glad you’re here and a part of this community. Remember you are breathing, therefore your life has value and you are important.

I’m going to end this here with this. My friend you are beautiful and a wonderful person. You have so much going on and so many mixed feelings, but you have so much potential. I encourage you to do a few things

  1. Talk to your boyfriend about the way you’re feeling about your guys relationship and express your concerns to him.
  2. Find somewhere to give yourself a daily remind of your worth and beauty
  3. If you’re going to work out, do it for you. Consider my advice about making your meals, and take it slow. Don’t expect to lose super quick, and don’t get discouraged if you don’t.
  4. Lastly and probably the hardest one, learn to value your life friend. You are value and you are important.

I’m sorry if you felt like I was rambling on to this, but this topic hit my heart really hard and you deserve all the love and support! Don’t ever give up, and remember we are all here for you.

Hold Fast,
Monkey


#6

Thank you, Monkey. And everyone for the replies. I’m glad I reached out now. Sometimes it just takes the kind words of a stranger to make me see things clearly. I’m struggling to put it into words, but I feel like a weight has lifted. I have a sense of value, albeit small, it’s a big step. So thank you. This really is an amazing community. :heart:


#7

Hold fast friend! You have so much value and worth! I hope that the responses to your topic were an encouragement to you, and I really do hope that you are doing well! Stay strong, we believe in you!

Hold fast,
Monkey


#8

It’s cool that everybody takes the time to type out their experiences and attempts of persuasion…but lets be real, that’s all it is. Worthlessness isn’t a feeling lmao. How can it be a feeling when there’s literally noone around. Fuck this place.


#9

Reading this and I honestly can relate, I hate myself and wish I could do the Same!! I feel that everyone around me views me as a nuisance and just does not want to say it no matter how much they praise me for the person I am. When I pretended to be happy and then let my emotions catch up I feel completely empty like there is this hole that will never feel filled, and I dont want this I want this to go away. So I cry, I cry and cry and cry and it’s the whole nine yards. But even when I talk myself into doing it and just no longer being here the only thing that stops me is the things I want. I know this seems weird but the only reason
I didn’t actually take my life is because I am being selfish, and saying I want to see that movie I want to read this I want to do this. Having these wants may be temporary but I am hoping one day I wont have to be wanting anymore and just be content. One day I want to feel happy. If there is anything I wish for you to take from this is that, peoples veiws and thoughts hurt like heck. And when you feel like this just remember sometimes you just need you, and when possible have some well spent time with yourself and do what you want. Do things that will make you happy. It’s easier to see how beautiful you are when your happy. Treat yourself!


#10

Hey there @broken1 don’t say that about your self things will get better I promise!!!

Hold Fast,
Mr.Lonely


#11

yo brunx, if you say “Fuck this place” why do you have an account here


#12

your not worthless your special