I don’t even know why I was going to try this… I struggle to even put words together. I’m just tired of being me. Disgusting. Stupid. Worthless.
I’ve put on so much weight none of my clothes fit anymore and it is sickening. Yet, despite not being able to look in the mirror or shower with the lights on, I can’t force myself to get up and exercise because I’m so ridiculously lazy. I’m constantly yelling at myself to get up and move, but my body refuses to listen. Every bite of food I take makes me hate myself more, but I can’t stop. I don’t enjoy food anymore, but I just keep shoveling it in. Maybe I subconsciously hope it will kill me, I don’t know.
My face is blemished and pudgy with permanent dark circles and no amount of makeup can even make me look remotely human, let alone attractive. I fight back tears everyday I have to look in the mirror while attempting to cover my disgusting face.
I can’t manage to finish a load of laundry, let alone keep the house clean. I constantly work to keep the house work managed for my boyfriend of six years, but I can’t stay on top of it. The house always ends up a wreck and I feel miserable for it. Is it really that hard to keep a tidy house? My mother has done it for 35+ years while working full-time, raising two kids and overcoming countless other hardships. Why can’t I?
Nothing I ever do amounts to anything. I spend countless hours raising funds for a good cause, but does it really make a difference? Any kid with a glue gun can do what I do, what’s a couple hundred dollars a year really help? Nothing. My efforts are worthless. My ideas are stupid. I’ll never make a difference in the world, so why do I try? I make a fool of myself every time I open my mouth. I can’t remember the last intelligent thought to even cross my mind.
I can hardly manage to accomplish even the simplest tasks at work. I’m a waste of space and resources and if my boss were to ever realize this, I’d be out of a job too. Even though I’ve been looking and interviewing, I’ll never make it anywhere. These people ask my strengths, but I have nothing to say. Accomplishments? Well, I’ve managed to stay alive for 27 years. Not sure if that counts… an abusive ex tried like hell to end my life, and I’ve contemplated doing it myself too.
I often wish I would have just let him kill me. It would have saved my family a lot of disappointment, my boyfriend may have found someone he could actually be proud to make his wife. He means well, but I think deep down he knows he could do better than me, but he keeps me around because he feels bad. Who could ever really love this worthless excuse for a human being?
Honestly, the only thought that stops me from ending the misery is the fact someone would have to take care of my body. My parents have better things to do with their money than bury a worthless daughter. I could run away and do it, or jump in the river, but there’s a chance someone would look for me and I’d hate to waste anyone’s time on that. I’m not worth the time nor the effort. I stay alive so as to not inconvenience anyone with my death. But then again, my existence is an inconvenience to everyone I love, so is that really any better?
I often wish some freak accident would just happen. Mysterious illness, runaway semi truck, unstable bridge, sudden food allergy, slip and fall, anything to just let it be over. I watch the news and hear horrible things happening to innocent people and ask God why it couldn’t be me instead. Why take an innocent child, a kind neighbor, a live-saving doctor, why take these wonderful people when you could take me and make the world a better place?
I’ve tried to just live day to day and take on life like a robot. Do as I’m told, stay out of the way, only speak when spoken to, just do what you have to to get through each day until you don’t wake up again. But, that doesn’t work when you fail at everything you do.
I am completely worthless. And I don’t know how to cope with that fact.