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Why am I thinking this way?


#1

I can’t help but think about what people said to me when I was in school so far. When my dad first left I was told by kids that he left because I wasn’t good enough, or that he left because of who I was. That was just in 1st grade. Fast forward to middle school it got worse. I was getting told that my family would be better if I changed who I was. I had people avoid me in the hallways like I was a walking disease. My friends were told that they were better off without me. Some of them listened and left, but some of them stayed. Fast forward again to high school. I was getting told to die. I was getting told “cut like the faggot you are!” I was getting told that if I disappeared nobody would care. That this world would be a better place without me. For a while I believed those people. I thought that if I just stayed quiet it would all go away. So I started keeping everything inside. I’m starting to be more open about how I’m feeling, but it’s hard to do that when I was told growing up that my feelings don’t matter. For a while now I had a mindset switch. I started viewing myself as worth it. I started to think to myself “If they want to say that to me so what. It’s their loss that they don’t want to be my friend.” But now I’m starting to doubt what I was telling myself. What if all I’m good for is making people unhappy? What if all I’m good for is breaking families and making people hurt on the inside? These feelings won’t go away and I don’t know how to counteract these feelings. If I try to talk to my parent’s then they’ll say that I’m just stressed/anxious and that I’ll get over it. They’ll say that it’s just a phase or that I’m not allowed to feel like this because “a good Christian shouldn’t feel like this”, or “I’m too happy to have these thoughts.” I don’t know what to do. My friends that I usually go to when I need to vent or something can only take so much. I also know that they have things going on in their lives and they need space. I just don’t know why these thoughts are coming back or why I can’t get rid of them. I’m out of ideas and I’m out of energy to keep fighting a battle I can’t win. I don’t know what to do.


#2

YOU ARE SO LOVED SARAH!!! Thank you so much for sharing all that. You are such a wonderful human being. I’ll tell you this, if you disappeared I would care. And I have never even met you.


#3

Also I felt like asking, what would you say is your source of worth?