Why Continue the Cycle?

I’m beginning to think that it’s just not worth it for me to continue this long and drawn out depressing cycle. I’m 17 years old in high school, I have a part time job at a grocery store, and I love to work with cars and computers. I used to be really overweight in middle school 185 pounds when I was only 5’8”. Then once I got to high school I lost weight and got down to 140 pounds. I joined the Track team and after a year I got on Varsity and was able to run a mile in 5 minutes and 26 seconds- biggest accomplishment ever. But, then I got depressed and I gained weight and went back up to 170 pounds. Then, after missing XC the following year and announcing that I had an eating disorder I made a huge comeback where I lost 25 pounds and ended up running a new personal best in the mile of 5 minutes and 23 seconds. But, after the last race that last season I was so fed up with being stressed about eating what I could and couldn’t, and people not respecting me on the track team or in school that I caved and started binge eating again. After that I quit track. I was depressed all last summer, though I at least got a job so that distracted me some. Then this last fall I had a huge comeback in running again and after four months of training I got my abs to start popping and I was easily running over 50 miles a week. But, then school got overwhelming with AP classes and I began to get little sleep every night and began binge eating again. And that’s where I am now.

But, that’s not all. All throughout high school I’ve been alone and had virtually no friends. The guys in school this year would make fun of me and ask girls if they thought I was attractive and asked if they like things I liked and all this other bullshit. And of course it was to all the popular girls who already think little of me, so then that just makes it look like I asked the guys to do it and it made me look pathetic and even less attractive. I’m nice to everyone, I try and talk to everyone. No one ever wants to talk. Some people at school, especially the popular girls are literally too good to even hold a short conversation with me without making it clear they are not interested.
At work I am a star worker and told by my superiors that I am an example to others and a good influence in the store. However, the other workers of course don’t particularly like to talk to me, and even though they do sometimes as soon as one of their real friends comes over it’s like I don’t exist.
At home I do my computer and electronic mods. I put a touchscreen radio and backup camera into my 17 year old truck I got as a handmedown from my dad. I put in a remote start, I changed the transmission fluid, I just changed the rear differential oil today. But, of course I never get any positive reinforcement from family or friends- I just get told that I’m wasting my money and get yelled at. These projects are all I have to make me happy because they are the only thing that gives me some sense of happiness and even they get me ridiculed.
I don’t get it. I’m nice to everyone, I help people when they need it, I even give people expensive things I’ve bought in the past for myself that I don’t need anymore to people just out of kindness so they won’t have to spend the money or anything. And being in high school I don’t get what I’ve done wrong to fit in. Before my major relapse of binge eating that started around COVID-19 again I was athletic in high school. I ran varsity track times people could never dream of running. I do complex wiring and soldering with computers and cars, I offer to do these things for other people. I’m for the most part a B±A+ student. Why am I treated like an outsider. Why does no one at school want to give me a chance? Why doesn’t anyone in life want to give me a chance. There was one girl I was so confident would at least give me a chance in me asking her out that I met at work, who bless her heart is the literally most nicest person I’ve ever met. And even she friendzoned me. And that killed me- that was the final nail in the coffin that’s led to my major relapse in eating and lack of exercise since last fall. I realized after that that if the nicest person I’d ever met in the world wouldn’t give me a chance no one will. I still talk to her and we’re good friends, but of course I’m always internally depressed to be around her because I know I of course must of done something wrong that was so pathetic or weird that she wouldn’t have even given me a chance. I tell her about how depressed I am and how I get picked on and she just tells me that God has some big plan for me later in life. Bullshit, I believed in God until I got my eating disorder and then I realized when I needed him most he was never there. I taught myself I could be self-reliant and be that athletic and smart kid in high school, but of course that still got me nowhere. If this stupid God existed I wouldn’t have all those issues and I would be a happy content person right now still running varsity track times, but no he doesn’t exist. Tell me a reason why I should live at this point. I’ve done everything I can to be the nicest, most well-rounded person I can be and I am still treated like dirt. I really just want to die. I really don’t want to live because I know that if I don’t kill my self now I’m still going to be depressed for the rest of my life. As I mentioned earlier I’ve had comebacks in my life where I’ve lost weight and proved my worth going from fat to fit in record time. But, they always end up spiraling into depression and allowing me to realize people still don’t care about me. Someone tell me why I shouldn’t kill myself right now.

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You called it a

You want to break the cycle, that’s good and since he only way you bring up to do so is suicide, let’s try and find another way.

Have you ever talked to a mental health specialist about this? If your school has a counsellor, that might be a place to start. You talk about episodes where you manage to focus immensely and of times where you can’t handle the stress anymore and start to use unhealthy coping mechanisms, that’s completely understandable. Pushing yourself to the limit is oftenly viewed as the best way to grow and excel, but it is equally important not to push yourself OVER the limit.

This is what I mean, you pushed yourself so hard you couldn’t sleep enough, no wonder you “relapsed”, maybe it would help to think in more long term goals, doing less per week might mean you can do it for longer, ideally you should find a training schedule you can stick to indefinitely without exhausting yourself.

People will notice that, and those who don’t are not the right people anyways. Give it time.

So, are you friends with her? I ask that because if the answer is NO, how did you imagine being in a relationship with her? Maybe try friendship first, I heard it’s a strict requirement for a functioning relationship.

I wouldn’t do it back then, I would be “friendzoned” and then never talk to her again, maybe I should have. Honestly it’s one of my biggest regrets in life not to have taken her up on the offer of staying friends. I shouldn’t have feared the heart break, maybe I would have gotten to know her better and realised we’re not meant to be together OR she would have gotten to know me and realised we do.

First of all, you don’t need to prove your worth (something I need to tell myself constantly). Second of all, you don’t need to do it in record time. as I said before, you need to do it in a sustainable way.

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I appreciate the responses HumanPerson and the fact that you took the time to read through through my whole post and dissect certain things I said and try provide some commentary as to what you think might help or might be the root of problems. I have tried doing sustainable progress for some time now. That story of last fall I mentioned where I got back in shape and was running 50 miles a week took me a long time. It was four months where I began to allow myself to eat things I used to say I couldn’t, not stress as much about school, trying to be more social overall, allowing myself to have binge eating sessions every now and then to keep myself sane, etc. That last part about allowing myself to binge eat to cope occasionally was probably my downfall- it was a new approach I was trying since I new stopping cold turkey in the past never worked.

You also spoke about what I said about that girl I asked out. It hurts me because personally I still feel like we would have been compatible as partners, but obviously she didn’t so, as much as it hurts me I respect her opinion and choice. We do talk all the time and we are friends, we have each other’s backs when we have problems we wish to discuss, and she’s even been asking me training advice about running lately and wants to train with me. So, it’s not like she was mean or rude about it in any way- just like I said it hurts me as I never met someone so nice to me in my life as far as I can remember.

I want to get in shape again, and I always tell myself it’s to prove my worth to the world and show the world I’m not a coward or someone who gives up. And as I said I’ve done it multiple times now, but every time it gets harder and harder. And to be clear I do want it personally, I do like being able to say I can run fast times and feel the adrenaline rush.

I did go to a counselor for a while, but he really didn’t seem to help at all. He gave me interesting things to ponder like putting myself in other peoples shoes when they upset me, and different mindsets to try and have when I am upset and getting depressed. And I can usually stay calm in difficult situations, and I’m generally not rash about things. But, dealing with all that stress gives me reason internally to justify my binge eating and my having gained weight.

So, I don’t really know how to approach this. Something I told myself in the past was that I just had to accept the fact that I got slower running because of my weight gain and that I was just going to have to suck it up until it got better. And it did every time, but somehow it still always feels like there is something missing and that’s why I always fall back. And honestly I feel it’s my disconnect with people I mentioned. I don’t like to sound egotistical, but I really am nice to everyone. I try and talk to everyone I can, I go out of my way to help people when I think they’d appreciate it, but they didn’t ask. And again, I know that sounds self-centered. But, it hurts when I do all that, and then I don’t have anyone do that in return and it feels like I don’t exist. And like I said before as well, I have people tell me that God has some special plan, or that the popular people who treat me like crap now will be at my feet later, but unfortunately that’s never been the case all throughout my years in school. And it’s clear to me that even people who do stick through with life like movie actors and actresses often still end up being depressed anyway and turn to drugs, alcohol, etc. to fill that void and I fear I’m always going to be like that too.

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Update: Today was a good day. I did a workout in the track to start working on speed again, so I can get back in shape. I had a lot of fun with someone I know from work tonight and he went with me to get gas after and then I brought him home with him blasting his music so loud in my car I had a headache for over an hour after. Then, once I got home later I started to text someone else I know from work and we had a pretty good conversation, so that was good too. I’ve noticed recently that some people at work are starting to talk to me more and more and some people it seems like they actually enjoy it, so that has felt good so far.

I’m hoping to get back in shape for the summer again and be running as fast I was when I trained this last fall. It’s going to take a lot of work and calorie counting, but I can do it if I just think about all the positive things that will come of it. I realize that I probably won’t ever be perfect, and I have known that for some time, but I was in a bad place earlier this week, where I really just wanted to kill myself and it’s crazy what one day can do to change your mood. Here’s to getting back on track

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hey friend,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. this sounds really difficult and I totally understand how you feel.
A lot is happening for you right now, and I want you to know that we will always be here for you to cheer you on, encourage you, and show you how proud we are of you of your accomplishments. I’m sorry you don’t get the recognition you deserve, or the love that you want from those around you. That really stinks and I’m so sorry that you feel like an outsider. I hope you feel comfortable here :heart:
I think this is a time in your life where you are being given an opportunity to work on yourself. You’re dealing with a lot and maybe this friend of yours who you like wants to see you grow before things happen. Maybe you need to work through some things before you can let someone romantically into your life, if that makes sense. That doesn’t mean you aren’t meant to be loved. It means that in order to love someone else, you have to work on loving and accepting yourself first. I can tell you are a smart, kind, caring, loving human who obviously loves to do things for others. Don’t let their judgement stop you from doing what you love. If you love working with computers and wiring and all of those things in that field, you should do it! The people getting mad at you for doing what you love are maybe not happy with where they are in life, they don’t like their job, etc. This is YOUR life. this is YOUR passion that you love. Don’t let yourself settle for a life where you just coast through and do what others want. You are in control and I 100% believe in you and know that you are capable of amazing things :heart:

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